Unconventional Conventionists

Third date two nights ago with podcast guy. It involved him, his wife, and me going to a friend of their's house and watching UFC. The group was around 10 people, and mostly all were open/swingers/poly of some sort. So the night involved UFC watching and adult beverage having, but also lots of consensual hand holding, cuddling, and back rubs.

It's the first time that I've casually been around a group of people who collectively shared a non-typical relationship model. I'm not counting munches, because I feel as though there it's about the common type of sexual activity people like to engage in, and less about commonality as far as how the relationships are structured. Also not counting any of the swinger parties I've been to, as those have seemed more like a random assortment of people getting together who, yeah, all identify in one way or another as "swingers" but really have super varied definitions as to what that means within the context of their relationship.

I'm not saying that I haven't had really good experiences at munches or swinger parties. This was just a new experience to be with a smaller group of people who have clearly been doing the open/poly/swinger thing together for some amount of time. It was super nice to be sitting on the couch and be able to ask the person next to me, "is it okay if I lean up against you?" and have them put their arm up around me as a gesture of consent. Sort of no agenda, low pressure physical affection that I haven't experienced in any other context up until now. It felt super nice and made my heart very warm.

For just having met this group of people, they were incredibly welcoming and awesome. It was a great bolster to the weekend.

Serendipity

My schedule has been fairly frantic recently. Frantic, but awesome. There's only 2 more days of school left before Winter Break. Only one more week 'till Christmas. It seems like every day I'm overbooking myself with stuff to do, and remembering stuff I still need to do that isn't done yet.

I went on a second date with podcasting guy. Pretty meh sushi; pretty awesome conversations in the hot tub with him and his wife afterwards. It's very interesting for me, because outside of the whole "both of us are already married" thing, this is one of the more typical relationships I've ever had. Yes, there were make-outs after the second date. Just with me and him. They were fantastic. What happened on the first date? We went out to dinner and talked for 4 hours. Afterwards I gave him a hug. And not even a warm, wet hug.

Just the normal kind where everybody keeps all their clothes on.

I will, however, be giving plenty of warm, wet hugs in January as I'm heading back to the gang bang parties. It's been...a few months since I've been to one, so it will be neat to head back.

Today, during the carpool, Now-hubby and I were having a discussion with gender roles and relationship stuff in general. As tends to happen with discussions between Now-hubby and myself, it started out innocuously enough. I was telling him about how I overheard two teenage girls explaining the "front wedgie" to a teenage boy. We then expanded that topic through women's gender role and into how relationships are formatted on a gender binary but seem to be changing to a more equatable and fluid idea.

Fates aligned fairly well and I just found this related comic on tumblr:

Convenience

One of my friends from the ol' college days recently posted this article about gender roles in the Hunger Games to Facebook.

Before we get into the meat of this entry, let it be known that I have read the trilogy. I've seen the first movie, am pretty "meh" about seeing the second movie. I thought the story was decent except for the whole "omg what boy will she like" plot line. Although, now that I think about it, it's a pretty decent way to establish the fact that Katniss was basically a "typical" teenage girl except for the whole, "having to kill other people for the entertainment of an insane bureaucracy" thing. So let's say it was an interesting device to establish Katniss as a character, but I still feel like it was too much of a focus in the story overall.

(Christ, I feel like I'm writing a fucking book report. Let's get on with the actual entry, shall we?)

NPR's Linda Holmes wrote a great article about the gender dynamics in The Hunger Games: Catching Fire...

Whoa whoa whoa. Hold the phone. You mean the Linda Holmes? Of NPR?

This feels like a name drop, but it's not really a name drop that's worth anything. It's like two academics getting together and rubbing leathery-patched elbows. "Did you see I mentioned you in my latest analysis?" And then a lot of this happens, back and forth for infinity:

Oh, and if you're interested, you can find the "great article" from the Linda Holmes of NPR here. I put "great" in quotes, because it's one of those pieces where I agree with the general idea being presented, but the way it's actually put together makes me rage face. The tl;dr is that Katniss is the "dude" in her relationship with Peeta, and the "chick" in her relationship with Gale. The problem with presentation is in the way stereotyped gender roles are presented. It's like: woman doing stereotypically woman things equals bad. Man doing stereotypically woman things equals worthy of academic-ish articles on the Internet. They're the same stereotypes, and it's just as shitty to define a man as "feminine" for having said qualities as it is to define women that way. What happens if Katniss is good at archery and baking pie? Does everybody's head explode because it's not possible to contain both aspects of masculinity and femininity in one character? No, then we get to have the argument about whether the pie making helps Katniss be more "relatable" as a "tough girl" that still likes to bake, or if it's some sort of feminist cut-down because women can't have masculine traits unless they're balanced out with feminine ones.

I'm mostly okay with the rest of the original article I linked to. It's an interesting premise, the idea that Katniss could choose both Petta and Gale, and format a relationship that would be incredibly beneficial for her. The only grudge argument I hold onto is this whole idea of who's playing the "woman" and who's playing the "man" in the relationship. It's like that ever-common confusion amongst straight people on how lesbian and/or gay relationships work because, "how do you know which one is the man?"

...we do gender in relationship to other people. It's a conversation or volley in which we're expected to play the part to the way others are doing gender. 

Relationships aren't just a compromise and discussion between two people, they're a specifically gendered compromise and discussion. Does one of you like their steak prepared medium and the other likes it medium rare? You better figure out which meat preparation is more "manly" or your relationship is fucking doomed. 

What if she could be in a relationship with Peeta and get her needs for being understood, nurtured, and protective while also getting her girl on with Gale? In other words, imagine a world without compulsory monogamy where having two or more boyfriends or girlfriends was possible.

Better yet, imagine a world where Katniss didn't have to evaluate her entire life and all the relationships she's forming based on which of the binary gender roles she's encompassing? Interesting side note, availability of multiple partners? Good. Availability of multiple ways of portraying and expressing gender? Bad.

If Katniss wants to keep both Peeta and Gale (no spoilers on what actually happens, peekers), it should be because she fucking wants to. Not because she's got some convoluted need to balance out her "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" sides. The relationship should be respectful and beneficial and Katniss should feel like she's got the ability to grow as a person and express herself freely, regardless of how many partners she chooses or which stereotyped gender activities she feels like partaking in.

Healthy competition

A bit ago, Questionable Content put up this comic.

Today Girls With Slingshots ran this.

Before we get into the meat of this entry, I'd like to just put a PSA out that both of these comics are totally awesome and you should check them out. I don't have any problem with either comic, I just noticed a recurring theme in these two particular strips, and it's something that's always struck me about more "traditional" relationships.

If you didn't catch it when you read the strips, the recurring premise is one person being somehow "better" in a relationship than anyone else. A character mentions is in the second panel of the QC strip: "I like you WAY more than I ever liked her." In the first panel of GWS: "You're a way better catch than Beatrice."

I asked some of my monogamous friends recently how they decide who is "worth" dating vs. who isn't. Is there like...a list of things that are specifically important in a mate and then they have to find that one other person that has exactly the same list? Is there a percentage of match up that is acceptable, or do you have to agree on 100% of the things? I joked with Now-hubby about compatibility and the Discovery Channel approach of people being on some sort of attractiveness scale from 1-10 and how, like, people who are under a 5 aren't compatible with those who are over 5. It's just not how the world works.

I've talked before about how I don't understand this ranking mindset when it comes to relationships and the people one's going to date. There's a quote from the first episode of Queer as Folk that goes, "...you might see him. The most beautiful man who ever lived. That is, until tomorrow night." It's like a person goes from one exclusive relationship to the next, and each one is supposedly "better" than the last. Unless the person's doing that thing where they're in a "worse" relationship that's supposed to make them realize how much "better" they had it in their previous relationship. That's another relationship trope I wish I could strangle.

Does one ever max out on the "good" relationship scale? It seems like there would be an incredible level of uncertainty on whether or not you were doing the absolute best you could. Every relationship becomes a competition on whether you're the winner or not.

Don't need candles and cake

I officially have three decades of life behind me as of this past weekend. I celebrated by getting together with some of my ladies from Curves for lunch, and then getting together with some of the ladies I work with at school for dinner. I also watched the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special while Now-hubby made fun of me for spending the entire show like this:

I wanted both Frisbee and Now-hubby to be a part of my birthday celebration. Now-hubby's parents were also going to be in town, so following my own advice on coming out meant doing so with them. Up until this point, it hadn't been particularly important for them to know about Frisbee as the chances that they would ever meet him were relatively slim. Frisbee was going to be around for my birthday, though, and damnit if I wanted to hold hands with him I was going to. Which meant Now-hubby's parents needed to know about my relationship with Frisbee.

I went about it over Facebook message. Heard a very brief, "thanks for telling us. See you this Saturday." from Now-hubby's father and absolutely nothing from his mother. Both of them called him the next day to make sure he actually knew about me and Frisbee and was okay with it. His mother cried and "doesn't get it." His father was a bit more stoic about the entire thing. 

When they actually visited, we didn't interact much, but that's fairly typical for when they're around. Frisbee and I weren't very overtly cuddly, but I can't tell if that was because it was also awkward for him to have Now-hubby's parents around or if there was some other reason. 

In any case, I'm very glad for having just bucked up and been honest with everybody. It made the last week of my 29th year on the Earth quite stressful (somehow the build-up to coming out has for me always been worse than the actual coming out experience), but it feels good to have been able to be more of myself on my birthday.

Next relationship experience to tackle: Going to Frisbee's familial relations for Thanksgiving. I've already met Frisbee's immediate family, but this is an entire new level of anxiety-inducing goodness! The first time I went with Now-hubby to his grandmother's for Christmas, I don't think I spoke the entire time. Not that anything went wrong, I just tend to get quiet when being introduced to large groups of people I don't know.

Neat stuff

I have three things for all of you intrepid readers tonight. In order of mention: one of them is relationship oriented, one of them is sex oriented, and one of them is just sort of a general FYI.

1. Here are some relevant examples of questions people (and especially women) in open/poly type relationships get asked.
2. Here is a neat article about a new initiative in Switzerland: sex drive-throughs for prostitution. (Found out about this through Marie Claire magazine of all places.)
3. I've recently started reading A Study in Scarlet, which is totally awesome and everyone should check it out. It's the first Sherlock Holmes book and really neat.

You learn something new everyday

Today I learned that my vagina is completely unpredictable and has apparently decided it wants to start my period this week instead of next week. Even though my period started the third week of the month last month, that's clearly no indicator that it will start on the third week of the month this month. I wish there was concise, easy way to describe how incredibly inconvenient it is to have a vagina that menstruates. Every other thing about my vagina I'm fairly okay with; even some of the less pleasant maintenance aspects of having a vagina. There are plenty of awesome things about it that balance out. (Also, quick aside update on the Lelo beads - I can now hold a 2 lb weight with my kegel muscles for almost a full minute. I think that's pretty damn impressive.) Oh, and my vaginal orgasms are completely fucking phenomenal. I love them. So there's quite a lot I'll put up with if it means I get to keep having those.

But menstruation? UUUUUUUUGH.

I will save you all the pithy rant that's about to happen about all the other aspects about having a period that suck. This entry is only about the scheduling. And how nice it would be if my vagina could just make up it's damn mind and pick one consistent week during the month where it'll gush out blood.

Do you hear me vagina?! Cooperate with me on this!

The part that angers me the most is that a period is biology conspiring against me. I am choosing not to have babies, yet my body is expecting me to. Therefore every month it builds up this blood lining within my uterus to nourish the tiny blastocyst it hopes will be implanted within it. (Yes, I googled the actual stage of egg development where it attaches to the uterine lining. Scientific accuracy is important.)

Do you know what would be better? If my body just took all that blood and put it back into my bloodstream. Re-integrated it. "Hey, I noticed you weren't using this to make a baby, we'll take it and do something more useful with it." Which, my period is also a helpful indicator that I'm not having a baby that month, but I feel the body could come up with other ways to indicate that as well. Maybe like a tiny subliminal, celebratory trumpet noise. Or the completed stage music from Mario Bros.

That could just play once ever month quietly inside a lady's head. Nobody else would hear it, but she would know she had made it through another month of sexual intercourse without becoming preggers. Congrats, lady. Thanks for being awesome and not bloody and annoying, vagina.

Put it on your calendar

Now-hubby recently got me on Google calendar, which is on the one hand very useful because now I can put all of my appointments and things in one place more or less as I schedule them. And is on the other hand completely overwhelming because fuck damn am I busy. I guess I never really thought about my overall schedule until Google calendar laid it all out in little color blocks for the month of November and I was just sort of staring at it thinking, "where is my free time?"

Answer: there isn't any.

I was answering some questions about my relationships for one of the newer people at work earlier this week. Schedule was their main concern. "How do you find time for two relationships?" My answer? I start with myself. I try to schedule at least one evening a week where I do absolutely nothing. Well, or I get to do whatever I would like to do. Watch Doctor Who, write in this blog, read a book, whatever! I don't plan any chores around the house on this night, I don't make any big plans with either Now-hubby or Frisbee for that night, and I don't schedule dates with other people for that night.

Lately, I've been picking up extra shifts at Curves, and it's made scheduling that "me" night difficult. Adding shifts at Curves onto my day means total work time averages around 13 to 14 hours by the time I get home. It wears pretty quickly, and it makes even the scheduled activities that I would normally look forward to (meeting with a friend to double team his wife, going to a dungeon, a dinner date with a new gentleman) seem more like hassles to schedule. We've got a nice 3-day weekend coming up at school soon, so I'm hoping to recharge a bit then.

In unrelated news, I learned the word TWIRP today. Go ahead, Google it. It's a high school dance thing.

Rage-aholic

Two weeks ago I had a long weekend off work (Columbus Day), and I had planned to spend Saturday night through Monday afternoon with Frisbee. Instead, I picked a stupid fight with him Saturday night and spent the entire evening sleeping in the living room (my choice). Then I left on Sunday afternoon and cried the whole way home.

This past Friday night I came home from work and within the first 20 minutes was in an argument with Now-hubby about my Halloween costume that ended with me not talking to him for a half hour.

I grew up in an environment where my parents yelled. Well, correction. My father yelled. A lot. My mother just sort of sat passively through all of it. Which is not to say that she was a victim, because she was probably just quiet because she was too drunk to properly verbalize a response.

When I was old enough to leave, I got as far away from all of it as I possibly could. That was my response to arguments - I left. It was a fairly good defense against fights between other people that were happening around me. The one time I did try to intervene and have an opinion about an argument between my parents I got physically hurt, so looking at it from the angle of self-preservation, disappearing completely was a lot easier.

The only downside to this defense strategy is it was difficult to rely on in my own relationships. Especially because the types of people I tended to get involved with were those who actually cared about me and wanted to help if I was hurting. Which, in and of itself I was very grateful for. It was something I was unfamiliar with, but I recognized it as a way healthier option than repeating my parent's relationship format.

For a very long time I had absolutely no idea how to appropriately handle my own anger within my relationships. I would have literal panic attacks. Scream, cry, and break things. I would go days without speaking to the other person. The pattern worked like this: I would get upset about something. Usually something small and inane. Something like a tiny thought that would go through my head about whether somebody really cared or not. I would get angry, and that anger would make me think I was becoming my father, which was terrifying. And then absolutely worst of all the other person would want to stick around and talk about things. Which how do you tell somebody you care about that even you can't properly explain the reason you're upset? I knew that wanting to understand and help the person you cared about was technically the "right"thing to do, but I had spent so much of my adolescence and early adulthood getting as far away from anger as I could that any other response was completely irrational.

It's taken a really long time to get to the point where I'm even able to slow my mind down and tell somebody, "I need time to myself to deal with this." Space helps me quiet both the initial anger and the incredibly unhelpful cycle within myself that's upset about being upset. I can recognize this, and being able to ask for it is a huge step, and means I can get over things a lot faster.

Comic Comic Comic!

I linked around this morning and found Try it, You'll Like It. You should check it out as well.

That's seriously all I have right now. Happy Friday, everybody!

Three cheers

Congrats to Women's Health for having a very decent article about casual sex (friends with benefits, no-strings-attached, whatever the fuck you want to call it) in their November issue.

I was completely ready to hate this article because the deck mentioned "significant drawbacks" to these types of relationships. (Also, I'd like to give a shout-out to this site for helping me sound intelligent about the different parts of a magazine article in these past two entries.)

Then the article actually took me out of this mode:

And put me into this mode:

Here are some of the awesome things they mentioned:

Casual sex works "when you're in a good place with your job, social life, and personal life, and all that's missing is sex."

You can not be having sex but be otherwise completely happy with everything else in your life. Sex is not something around which anyone should base the entirety of their existence.

"To make the most out of casual sex, you need trust, reasonable expectations, and clear communication. You need to know that the experiences will stay between the two of you, and that you're in a safe zone."

Ah, communication. I love that it's brought up early and often in this article.

...also advises discussing your sexual history in the beginning.

This is not advising going into specifics or doing a numerical comparison with your partner. This is just advising being safe and doing one's best to not get STD's.

The men studied reported more positive and fewer negative reactions to sex-focused relationships than the women (though on the whole, the female view was more positive than negative).

HUGE. Fucking monumental. Normally when I see this statistic quoted, they leave the parenthetical statement out completely. It's usually made to sound that women have nothing but negative reactions to sex-focused relationships. The inclusion of the fact that women have positive views as well, but just not to the same percentage as men, is amazing.

...it's important to check in with yourself often to make sure it's working.

In addition to communication between the two people, it's awesome to see a focus on the lady self-reflecting and being honest with herself about whether this is what she's really looking for.

If you want more than sex, let him know. And if he doesn't feel the same, end it.

This is not to say that you can't ever reconnect with this person and have some sort of relationship that goes beyond just having sex with each other. (Yeah, even me, the hardest of hearts, holds out a tiny hope for utterly stupid romantic love sometimes.) This is about in that exact moment not trying to negotiate your way into a relationship that makes either of you unhappy. If you want more than sex, and he doesn't, you're going to compromise on one end of the spectrum that either you don't want or he doesn't want. And that's a shitty basis for a relationship. Get back together when you're both on the same page.

If you believe only sluts do this, you won't be happy.

This is a fantastic point included in a larger discussion on not judging yourself. I'd also like to point out that it's equally important to not judge other women who are in these types of relationships.

If you can have sex only when you've had two or more drinks in your system, it may mean you're not as comfortable with it as you might think.

Worth mentioning. Not only in the scheme of "sex-only" relationships, but in relationships in general.

It's important to be truthful about what you want from the romps.

Ah. Not only communication, but honest communication.

...the most important thing is your level of enjoyment - or obligation.

Again with the self-checks. I love it.

Whatever way you want to push your sexual boundaries - be direct.

With all the focus on communication and honesty, I'm willing to go there with this article. It advises letting your partner know that you want to push some limits, but also to be very clear and direct about the limits you do have. And if something you wanted to try turns out to be not your cup of tea, talk about that, too.

Finally, sex is what this matchup is all about, so you should feel free to have lots of it.

IQ points

The last time I was at the gynecologist I picked up a copy of Pregnancy & Newborn magazine. Mostly because there was a thing on the cover about whether motherhood makes you smarter, and also because the receptionist told me they were free copies.

Knowing my feelings about children already, I figured it would be interesting to get the viewpoint of people who genuinely want children.

Long and the short of the 2 page article? Having kids doesn't actually make you smarter, unless you use a person's ability to take care of children as an indicator of intelligence. Maybe it's just my rigid vernacular structure, but I was hoping for actual Wechsler or Stanford-Binet data where we compared the IQ scores of people before and after they have kids.

What the article is actually about?

...certain parts of a mom's brain actually grow during pregnancy and during the postpartum period, leaving us slightly larger in specific areas - including those that deal with maternal motivation (hypothalamus), reward and emotional processing (substantia nigra and amygdala), sensory integration (parietal lobe), and reasoning and judgement (prefrontal cortex).

The article goes on to say that you also create a lot more neurons and neural connections during pregnancy. I argue against this because your brain deals with any new experience by trying to connect established neural pathways or by creating new ones. Treating this like a unique and amazing occurrence that only happens when you're having a baby is bullshit.

Being a mother changed the brains of female rats enough that they were able to plan ahead to be sure that they had enough food and water to feed their pups.

Similarly to the last point, this has nothing to do with being "smart" and more to do with being a good parent. I'm not trying to specifically define "smart." If you get a 600 on your math SATs and a 100 on your verbal, you're still incredibly intelligent in math. Reverse, and you're incredibly intelligent with your verbal skills. The moral of the story is that having a baby does things to your brain that hopefully will make you a better parent. It doesn't increase your intelligence in any other areas.

It's as if our brains know that nourishing our children (and perhaps even getting in and out of the grocery store in record time) is more important than recalling the trivial information we tend to bank on. 

The specific "trivial information" the article is referencing is knowing which Shakespeare play, "to be or not to be," comes from. It's as if knowing how to change a diaper (or, in the case of this article, shop for groceries in an efficient manner), completely obliterates the need to know general things about Shakespeare. If you know one, you literally have no fucking clue about the other. I'd also like to ask what the fuck we're "banking" our knowledge of Shakespeare on before we have children? Is it the final Jeopardy question?

Current evidence suggests that mother rats get an additional boost [of brainpower] after a second pregnancy.

This is in a sidebar, which means it's one of those quickly accessible factoids that people with not enough time/attention span to read the entire article (attention: new mothers!) will be able to quote. It's also a subtle incentive to have more children.

Consensual

The totally awesome Tad Kimpton (of Khaos and Discord comics), linked to this totally awesome comic recently. It's all about consent and how to go about negotiating it with partner(s), what it means, and why it's sexy.

You should check it out.

Always be prepared

I'm linking this mainly because it encompasses my feelings exactly about people that narrate sex. Not talking dirty. That's not especially a turn-on for me either, but people that have to be constantly talking during sex make my boner deflate.

Speaking of boners, the Origami condom has been floating around the Internet recently. It's a silicon condom that's apparently also pretty sweet sensation wise. You can watch a neat video on the website if you want. For me, it seems like it moves around an awful lot, but then again I've never had an actual dick so maybe something moving around a lot would be considered a good thing? In any case, I think it's kind of neat. Not having babies is a good thing. I'm a proponent of anything that stops babies from happening.

Here's a neat article about other alternate forms of male birth control that are currently being researched and such.

Keep having that safe sex, people!

Honorable mention

I came across Mark Manson this morning via a link on Reddit. At first, I thought he was another PUA who had almost there advice for dudes on how to pick up chicks. But then I actually read through some of his articles. And I don't agree with all of it, but most of it is pretty read-worthy. So...check it out, folks.

Step one: Collect Underpants

That's not really one of the ways mentioned in this article titled, "5 Ways to Keep Married Sex Exciting," but it might as well have been with as much sense as the actual suggestions make. The article itself is a fantastic mix of actually good advice and bullshit rhetoric. Here are the highlights:

Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their sex hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they find out that what keeps sex hot is the security of a committed relationship. 

When the author uses the word, "committed," she means "married." I just thought I would clear that up for everybody, because it's an important distinction to make. I don't honestly know how you wind up cohabitating with somebody you're also in a relationship with unless that relationship is somewhat secure and committed. I guess maybe people have a lull in their sex life and instead of the usual fare of, "let's try role play" they're like, "let's move in together." Who knows. In the world of straight people, that's maybe just crazy enough to work.

Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the sex better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, the sex dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn't working.

Just making sure you all understand that by "commitment" we still mean "marriage." It's like she's angry people are trying to somehow cheat the system by having one without the other. Do you hear that, you common law hippies? You're going to get bored just like the rest of us married folks eventually.

It is fascinating to talk with a couple that has been married for twenty years while you try to imagine what they still see in each other. 

"Fascinating" maybe. For me, if I'm talking with two people and I have to use my imagination to figure out why they're still together because outwardly they appear completely unhappy, it's more depressing than fascinating.

My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married.

Hehe. Deeper touches.

For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be.

I have problems with this statement on many levels. It's the first instance in this article where she really starts placing the blame on why married sex isn't exciting. Hint: It's the woman's problem. It's not about married sex being boring, it's about women making married sex boring with all our stupid lady problems.

My secondary problem with that statement is it implies a couple can reach a level of comfort and security where virtually any sex act will be available to sample. It allows the, "if you really loved me you'd do this," card to get played, and that's a shitty, shitty card.

Although I do appreciate the idea that for a couple's 25th wedding anniversary, instead of silver they'll celebrate with anal. Consensual, secure, and comfortable anal.

Men's need for visual variety is much higher than women's.

 

This statement gets presented so often as fact that I have absolutely nothing to say in response to it anymore. It just hurts my head whenever it pops up.

Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men's clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth, this is a rote and "in the box thinking" excuse.

Yes, invest!

This [talking about their sex lives] proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. 

Damnit, ladies. You won't have boring sex, and now you won't even have boring conversations about your boring sex.

...but if one of them interjects, "Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,"...

Which prompted Now-hubby to ask, "Who the fuck actually talks like that?"

Some of women's views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). 

Notice the very subtle change to the woman being a mother now. It's partly my child-free bias, but I notice things like this in articles about married couples. The article's not focused anymore just on married couples, it's focused on married couples with children. The article's not going to come right out and say that having kids might be contributing to the couple's boring sex life, but the kids are definitely at least worth mentioning in this article about how boring your married sex is. Also, yes. Media equals bad. Thanks.


It isn't uncommon for me to counsel a forty-year-old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one.

On the subject of women who have never (for whatever reason) given themselves an orgasm...

The wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife.

There's a very important difference between understanding and actually giving a shit. I don't think this article is advocating for the latter. While the author does say the couple should communicate about their sex life, she doesn't mention talking about any of the other stuff that constitutes a relationship. i.e. balance of responsibilities in the household. She mentions dudes should help out around the house, and then women will feel less stressed and be able to show more physical affection. If I were a husband, I can read all the words from the article and fundamentally understand them, but it doesn't mean I'm going to have the first idea which "stressors" my wife needs help with unless I ask and she's willing to tell me. It's like...do the dishes and maybe she'll give me a handjob. Hmm, yeah, that sounds reasonable.

Many women will tell me the reason they don't hug or touch their husband more is because their husband's mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels "too tired to get into all of that."

We're not even talking about sex anymore. We're talking about just touching your spouse. Holding hands with them. Hugging them. These couples aren't just not having sex, they're not showing any physical intimacy at all. This goes beyond dead bedrooms. This is fucking terrible. Also, the implication is there that men are so singularly minded that if you even so much as touch them they're going to think you want to have sex with them.

Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it.

This is tip #3 in the list of 5 things to do to keep sex exciting. Don't worry. 1 and 2 were about the mind being your sexiest organ and embracing your flaws. You didn't miss much. I chose #3 to quote because it's fool proof. The only thing you have to do to actually want sex is to think more about sex!

Tip #3 also cracks me up because after blaming the media for giving women unrealistic expectations about themselves and sex, the author brings in this recommendation to help women get in the mind-frame for fantasizing:

Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies.

Surely none of those count as media, right?

Just remember to keep this one important tip in mind:

I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.

Which begs the question of what type of fantasies are "okay" to share, and what level of involvement we're actually talking about. For purposes of this article, I'm going to assume "involve" means the two people who are in the relationship having sex only with each other. Probably role play is not even allowed.

Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch?

Tip #4. I imagine somebody literally just poking themselves with their index finger. "Well, that doesn't feel good when I do it against my jawbone, maybe it'll feel good if I poke my elbow?" The issue with the "get to know your body" thing is unless you already have a sneaking suspicion of what feels good, you're in the dark as to where to begin. It's going to take awhile, especially if you don't even know what type of reaction you're looking for. I'm talking to you, 40 year old woman who's never had an orgasm. When I was first learning my body and what felt good in high school, it took me...about a year to really figure out what felt good vs. what felt "omg I'm going to cum" good. And it took more than just exploring my body. I read books and *gasp* looked at porn in addition to touching myself.

Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day.

Tip #5. Talk about a chore. If sex itself is already a stressor, I don't see how having to maintain all-day foreplay lessens any of that stress.

Sexual intercourse is only one small part of sex. There are so many ways to be intimate in your marriage, so why get hung up on only one?

I dislike when people lump other forms of intimacy in with sex. Yes, hugging, kissing, holding hands, those are all nice things. Those can all foster an emotional connection with somebody when you're in a relationship. Sometimes these things can lead to sex. Sometimes not. Sex is a very particular and different type of intimacy, though.

Also, I don't know. Maybe we're hung up about sex because we just read an entire damn article about all the problems we're having with our boring sex, and how to make it better.

Prehistoric

In true Rule34 fashion (Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.), there's now "published" dinosaur erotica. I put published in quotes because I'm pretty sure dinosaur erotica has been floating around the fanfiction universe for...ever. This is just the first instance of dinosaur erotica you can actually spend money on in the Kindle store.

If you'd like an accompanying dildo for your dinosaur erotica reading experience, I suggest Bad Dragon.

Enjoy, everybody.

Visual assessment

This morning I had my colposcopy. It didn't hurt as badly as I had remembered the previous time, but still not comfortable. I brought up the idea to my gynecologist that the IUD might possibly be causing the abnormal results, and she told me it's entirely possible. All things considered, though, I'll take 6 month pap smears and maybe a colposcopy once a year if it means I can be baby free without hormones. I'm still not incredibly happy, but the pros still outweigh the cons when it comes to this method of birth control.

I took an entire day off of work, not because of the pain factor, but just because I have a 40 minute commute to work so to take a half day and then drive in for only 3 hours of work isn't worth it. Also, they're going to pay the sub for an entire day regardless.

Now-hubby also had the day off today so we're spending some lazy time together, which is awesome. After my appointment, we got some Starbucks coffee and had a conversation ranging from GameBoy color to our favorite SFW Tumblrs. When I get a chance to just sit down and chat with Now-hubby, I always remember exactly why I fell in love with him. He's an incredibly smart, witty man. And he understands and accepts me on a lot of levels, which is amazing.

One of those acceptance things is me expressing sexual interest in other people. Actually, when Now-hubby first asked if we could be together, I told him that certainly we could. But that I would probably fuck other people, and he'd have to be okay with that. I'd be honest with him, and we'd set up boundaries in our own relationship to set it apart from the sex I was having with others. I knew, though, that I was a fairly flirtatious and promiscuous person. And I wasn't going to shut down that part of myself for anybody.

Case in point number one: I went to use the restroom after finishing my coffee, and there was somebody apparently taking a shower in the ladies room with how long it was taking them. I checked the men's room, which was unlocked, but figured I'd wait it out for the ladies. As I was waiting, a gentleman approached and asked me if both restrooms were occupied. I said they weren't, and then he offered to let me use the men's before him. Point one: He's cool with girls defying societal gender rules. Point two: He was fairly cute. My mind immediately goes to, "hm, you could possibly bang this person" mode.

Case in point number two: While we were conversating, some people who work at Chipotle came in for their pre-shift coffee. (Now-hubby and I were actually getting coffee while we waited for Chipotle to open - the Chipotle and the Starbucks are in the same little outlet mall place, and we had an hour to kill between my appointment and official "lunch" time.) One of the Chipotle people is this scrawny, blond guy who makes me extremely uncomfortable in my pants. It's something about his veiny forearms that makes my girlhood tremble. It's...difficult to even remember what type of food I usually get when I go to Chipotle and he's working. 

These both happen while I was for all intents and purposes out on a date with Now-hubby. And I told him about both of them. How do things like me expressing sexual interest in other people not completely destroy his self-esteem? Because I express sexual interest in him as well. It's really that simple. Visual appreciation isn't about "better" or "worse," that's just the way it gets framed when you judge the value of your relationship on whether you're the exact match for somebody or not. Just because I like a Parrish painting doesn't mean I can't also appreciate a Dali.

I've had people accuse me of having low standards before. Because I have sex with lots of different people, I must be fairly indiscriminate. I don't see it that way. I see it more that I'm fairly open about admitting my attraction to other people, and there are a lot of attractive people out there in the world. The fact that I vocalize attraction to other people whether I'm around Now-hubby or not throws people off. When you're "with" somebody, you're not supposed to talk about other people you want to bang in front of that person. Or talk about wanting to bang other people at all, because commitment and fidelity and blah blah blah. When I've hung out with single friends, the frequency with which they comment on other people's attractiveness doesn't exceed mine. It's just the context of them having to be so selective about what constitutes "attractive" because they're looking for somebody that they can bang and also possibly spend the rest of their lives with. If you approach everybody as a potential lifetime partner, the level of what you'll accept in terms of physicality and compatibility gets more stringent. I don't have low standards, I have open standards.

Breaking the mold

To illustrate a point on how the whole "being honest" thing is difficult sometimes. The student I work with goes out to a job site at a Walgreens at the end of the day. I go with her to provide interpreting services, so yesterday as she was working in the card aisle I saw a cute card that I wanted to get for Frisbee when we do our super dessert extravaganza weekend (spoiler alert, Frisbee, if you're reading this - you're getting a card as well as chocolate chocolate chip cookies). I picked out the card so I could buy it, but there's also a job coach lady who is at the job site with us. "Oh, cute card. It's for your husband?" It's...such a fucking simple question. And one I could really easily just say, "yes" to and be done with it. I only see this job coach lady for an hour a day. I typically wear my wedding ring to work, so she knows I'm married. Is it really necessary to go through the whole, "well, it's actually for my boyfriend" spiel with her?

For those who are curious, I didn't. I just answered "yes" and left it at that.

For those that weren't there (i.e. everybody) you can imagine this fantastically awkward 10 second lag time between when job coach lady asked the question and when I could work out all of the above in my brain before actually speaking my answer.

For those of you who I might meet in the future (i.e. possibly lots of you), please don't take these lag times as an indication that I have some sort of processing disorder. I'm just trying to figure out if I can trust you slash if it's worth my time to be honest with you about myself.

In unrelated news, I finally finished watching the movie Fling* tonight. According to IMDB original title was Lie to Me, which honestly is a way better indicator of how this film views open relationships. It's one of those, "oh, these people think they're having fun being all 'open,' but they're really incredibly depressed and are just using the sex outside the primary relationship to find what they really want." Which is the second most famous type of film about people in nonmonogamous relationships. The first kind is where an otherwise happy couple stop having sex for some reason and decide to open up to fix that problem. In either type of movie, everybody always winds up either monogamous again or incredibly unhappy and alone. I have yet to come across a movie where the open/poly/what have you people both stay together in an open/poly/what have you fashion and are happy. *sigh*

In happier news, Poly Weekly played this at the end of one of their more recent podcasts, and it's a pretty groovy little tune.

The one where I watch Masters of Sex

Showtime has a new show out called Masters of Sex. It's about the groundbreaking research that William H. Masters and Virginia Johnson started up in the mid 50's about physiological sexual response in humans. Kinsey had already done the, "let's talk about sex" bit and gathered people's verbal accounts of how often they were having sex, what type, etc. etc. Masters and Johnson tried to figure out the "how" and actually gather some laboratory data on sex.


Initial impression of the show: it's pretty good. There are some super cringe-worthy moments where you realize that the way people think about women and sex in fucking 1956 Missouri are, for the most part, the same way people think about women and sex now. I feel like when I watch something like Mad Men, I can at least think to myself, "Man, things for women really sucked back then in the work place, but at least things have improved now." When I watched Masters of Sex and saw Virginia get slapped in the face because she likes dick and that apparently makes her a "whore," it's incredibly sad to think that viewpoint is still out there today. Also that couples still limit themselves to incredibly unfulfilling, "functional" sex to make babies. Ick. That's depressing.

You could also probably have a drinking game to this show where Masters suggests something incredibly sexy (such as watching a woman masturbate with a glass dildo that has a camera on the inside), and then says something about how he's only doing this for science. SCIENCE!

Working it out

This past weekend I went with Frisbee to an awesome tournament thing a few hours away from where we live. We got to carpool and stay in a hotel with some of the other frisbee folks, which was super fun. The tournament itself was pretty awesome, and there were lots of new people to meet.
Conversations, as they tend to do, trended toward who amongst the new people Frisbee and I were interested in possibly seeing in more of a biblical sense.

I on the one hand enjoy conversations such as those, because it's interesting to see sometimes if my tastes align with Frisbee's. It's also interesting to get a data collection going to see if I can ascertain his "type" at all. 

There are sometimes when I'm having these types of conversations with Frisbee that other people are around and within earshot. Usually not the people we're checking out (we're smoother than that), but this weekend particularly the other frisbee folk were around. I've noticed slash been told that these are typically not conversations that people have with each other when they're in relationships.

Don't the two of you get jealous?

I can't speak for Frisbee. See this post (linked above) specifically about my feelings on jealousy. I don't feel like I get jealous; I get insecure. (Essentially the same thing? Probably. Let the definition debate rage on.) There's an initial hit whenever somebody I'm with in a more committed sense of the word expresses interest in somebody else. Then another hit whenever something physical happens between them and the new person. In either case, I deal with it by introspection. Not, "why is the person I care about doing this thing?" but, "why do I feel this way about the thing the person I care about is doing?" The answer usually winds up being, "I feel insecure about this because the other person might be better at x, y, or z than me and the person I care about might leave me for those greener pastures." The standard narrative creeps in fairly quickly. I'm not talking about the "they're going to be better than me" fear. I feel like that's pretty standard for humans; to compare ourselves to others. I'm talking about the, "therefore my significant other will care more about the other person and abandon me" half of the sentence. That's a pretty deep fear, and difficult to overcome. I want to tell anybody who's dealing with jealousy/insecurity in their open relationship that I deal with this every single time Frisbee or Now-hubby expresses interest in somebody new or does something physical with somebody else. And how important it is every single time to include Frisbee and/or Now-hubby in on my feelings. Not to blame either of them or make them responsible for my feelings, but just to express and get the feelings outside of the murk that can happen inside my head.

Very good advice

I went to the gynecologist last week for my annual check-up and also to get myself tested for common STDs like gonnorhea and chlamydia. I get tested for HIV every 6 months at Planned Parenthood because my gynecologist doesn't do that but I still feel like it's an important test to have. Because I have sex with multiple people, I feel like I should do the responsible adult thing and get myself regularly tested for contagious diseases of the genital variety.

Also because I am a responsible adult who knows she doesn't want babies with any of the multiple people I have sex with, I use various methods of birth control. Most commonly condoms, but I also have the IUD. So far success.

Anyway, despite all of these smart adult choices, my gynecologist informed me today that I had an abnormal pap smear result. Also, that I have bacterial vaginosis (award for most disgusting sounding term for what essentially amounts to a yeast infection goes to). Which, I did a bit of research and apparently both of these are fairly common things for women who have an IUD and multiple sexual partners (i.e. myself).

I've had the abnormal pap smear thing last year, and it amounted to just monitoring my cervical cells with 6 month pap smears instead of the regular 12 month intervals. This latest pap smear was actually the one that, if normal, would have put me back on the 12 month schedule. So there's that to be angry about, if nothing else. An abnormal result means I have to go back in for a colposcopy (read: they're going to stick a pair of scissors into my vagina and cut off a piece of my cervix for further testing - it hurts like hell to get done), and then resume the 6 month pap smear schedule.

The BV means I get seven days of medication, which of course is in a fucking ointment tube which says "VAGINAL CREAM" in possibly the biggest and boldest letters I've ever seen. It also involves insertion tubes and other completely inconvenient and disgusting things.

None of this is transmittable. Frisbee and Now-hubby have absolutely nothing to worry about. This just involves my vagina being completely stupid despite the fact that I'm trying to make as responsible decisions as I can.

The long and the short of the entire process is that it's incredibly frustrating. I actually found several websites that advised not giving an IUD to women who weren't in "stable" monogamous relationships, because these are things that can happen. Which begs the question of what exactly the fuck they mean by a "stable" relationship? Apparently having fluid-bonded sex with two gentlemen on average 3 times a week (for each, so 6 times total), counts as not being "stable." And therefore means I'm more susceptible to my cervix cells going wonky and also general yeast infection stuff. It has a lot to do with the IUD having little strings that hang down just below the cervix, so any extra "gunk" as it were can get stuck in there. But it also seriously warrants consideration of how infrequently practitioners think women with an IUD are having sex. To me, "stable" equals "stagnant." Either a woman's had a baby already with her significant monogamous partner and wants to wait a bit for the next one. Or she's putting the lid on having any children at all. Which, when people base their entire relationship on steps (i.e. dating, marriage, children) and finally reach step 3, the entire point is fucking like they did in step 1, only with procreation in mind. Something like the IUD feels like a fucking road block to both functionality and desire. In my head, standard narrative couples slash "stable" couples would actually fuck less when an IUD is introduced in step 3.

So...I'm trying my best to be responsible and make informed decisions when it comes to my sexual lifestyle. I'm trying to avoid diseases and babies, and I feel like I'm being punished for it. Fuck this cheese.

Having my cake

Frisbee and I got into a discussion this weekend about straight people and how adorable they can be sometimes. Like when they want to tell you a story about their "freak" of an ex-girlfriend who really liked to give head. That's it. That's what counts as "freak-dom." And then I have to try really hard to not crack a rib from holding in either the sass or my laughter. And then I have to try not to be too sad because if giving head counts as "freaky," what type of sex are these people actually having with each other? Then I have to remember that it's not my relationship and I shouldn't spend so much damn time worrying about it, as long as both people appear to be happy with said relationship and level of "freakiness" they're engaged in.

I feel like most people would be very disappointed to learn that the moments I'm most in love with any of my gentlemen are those when things distinctly not freaky are occurring. Such as: Watching (read: making fun of) Firefly and eating chocolate ice cream with Frisbee. Holding hands while out on a walk with Now-hubby. Skyping with the German even when we keep all our clothes on.

What was a surprise to me is how their mutual interests reinforce my love for all of them. For every time I mention something Now-hubby is interested in to the German in the manner that I'm rolling my eyes with how incredibly nerdy it is, and all he has to say is how he's into the exact same thing. Or when I travel with Now-hubby and Frisbee together and wind up on one side of the table sipping wine and exploring my own thoughts while they go off on some tangent. Those are the moments that I feel incredibly lucky.

Lose your head

There is a lot of hype floating around right now that Lego has come out with a female scientist figure.

Now, growing up, I wasn't all that into Lego. TMNT action figures were more my jam.

Ah, yes. Feel the wave of nostalgia wash over you. I also seem to be the only one who remembers these particular gastronomical triumphs:

In any case,  I did know about Lego growing up. My little brother was into Lego, so there was a Rubbermaid bin full of little Lego bits around the house. And I seem to recall if I wanted a Lego figurine to be female, all it took was switching out the head or maybe putting some "lady" hair on it. Or, you know, Lego was also just a freaking block person with two little dot eyes and a smile. How non-gendered of a face can you get?

I'm a real boy

Now-hubby and I spent yesterday at home together being lazy as we both had the day off of work. It was incredibly awesome, as the two of us rarely get time together that involves just hanging out doing nothing. I finished Storm of Swords and spent a good majority of the final chapters just like, "oh my god I can't believe how incredibly insane this is."

After that, Now-hubby and I went for a walk outside so I could bring the book back to the library slash enjoy the weather. I would have picked up Feast for Crows but the library was closed, so that'll be on the agenda for today.

On the walk, I filled Now-hubby in on what had transpired over the weekend. Mainly, a sex party with Frisbee and some mutual friends on Saturday night, and then the Renaissance Fair on Sunday. The two wound up being an interesting juxtaposition, because I spent Saturday night having consensual sex with other adults, and Sunday listening to straight people talk about all the ways they really really want to have sex, but can't because...I don't know. The reasons never really crystallize for me. It's like I hear straight people talking about them, and if I'm not in the mood to sass they just sort of wash over me.

I talk a lot of sass when I'm hanging out with straight people because I feel like despite our different approaches, we're ultimately looking for the same type of relationships. We just go about them in opposite ways. I tend to start at point C (sex) and work my way back to point A (getting to know the person and seeing if a relationship could be sustained), while straight people start at point A and hope eventually to get to point C. I've run into the misconception that because I start at point C, points A and B matter less to me. What's point B? I don't know, some middling part where the people agree to do something in an "exclusive" manner. Points A and B, with the right people, can be completely awesome. Cuddling with either Now-hubby or Frisbee makes my heart feel awesome to the point that it almost hurts. I also really enjoy point C with other people, and don't get why I should invest tons of time in point A and B before getting there. I asked Now-hubby about it yesterday, why the straight people we encounter overall have less sexual partners, but also seem to have worse experiences with said partners. It's almost like you have neither quantity or quality, which begs the question of what exactly you're trying for.

James Deen says the darndest things

Despite the fact that you have to click on the little "read more" tags every few paragraphs, this article is worth reading.

Our country 'tis of thee

The two places I've lived, Michigan and Illinois, both like creampies and college. That's an interesting factoid. The rest of them are pretty awesome as well. Of course, Cracked has an awesome write-up on the entire thing.

Things worth knowing about

Having been having sex now for around 10 years, I am still sometimes surprised by people who know absolutely nothing about the clitoris. Well, there are really three varieties of terribleness when it comes to clitoral neophites. (Yes, I've encountered women who fit into all three of these groups as well.) The first has never heard of the clit and has no intention of ever learning about it. It's like if somebody brings up the clitoris they jam their fingers in their ears until the topic is over.

The second version has heard about the clitoris, but have absolutely no idea where it actually is. Is it somewhere near the bellybutton? Is it to the right of your labia? Is it actually inside the vagina somewhere? These people will put their hands lots of places, but none of it will be on the clitoris. Sometimes they might actually luck out and find it, but at that point it's like not seeing the forest for the trees.

Third version knows exactly where the clitoris is, but has no idea what to do with it. Do you just sort of...poke it? Do you begin by furiously rubbing it and ignore all other parts of the vulva? Who the hell knows. But hey, you found it! So that counts for something.

For awesome stuff about the clitoris, I direct you here.

MIA

I found this decent little tidbit on r/sex the other day on good and bad reasons to open a relationship. I'd like to add the single poly perspective and say that you can also define yourself as poly if it's something that makes you happy. Even if you're not in a "relationship" yet and you just want to be open and honest with anybody you might wind up dating that you won't be entirely exclusive. I understand that relationships are work, and that you can't be happy 100% of the time. And you don't have to reach bouncing off the walls types of happiness. That shit can be irritating.

Just...general okayness with open/poly/whatever being what you want and who you are.

Also, there's this pretty neat article up on Vice about poly. The closed vs. open relationship chart near the end is something I haven't seen before, and interesting.

Good advice

If you don't know about Fairly Odd Parents, you should. If nothing else because then you can appreciate how this meme was created.

Voted most likely

The school year is beginning again, and with it all the fantastic team building exercises that are forced upon workshop participants. Build the tallest tower you can using only paper plates and straws! Sit back to back with a partner; one of you describes a picture and the other has to draw it. Get it? We're working on clear communication and being a good listener.

Honestly? I feel like they should just have you do this damn stuff during the interview process if it's so important to job function. Maybe instead of asking that question about what a person's greatest weaknesses are. "I'm sorry, your resume was stellar and your references all check out, but you couldn't work on a team to play a game of charades without being a total ass-hat, so we're going with a different candidate."

In any case, we were in our classroom today setting things up for the students to come in tomorrow.
We have a few new full-time assistants, so those of us who have been there longer were going over the dynamic of the room. As part of this the lead teacher had us include, "something important to know about you" in our intros when we were introducing ourselves to the newbies.

Since I've been pretty good about the whole, "be honest in appropriate situations" thing, I decided my "something important" was going to be telling everybody about Now-Hubby and Frisbee. I think I phrased it as, "I'm married, and am also in another significant relationship." One of the newbies totally shocked my by saying she has a relative who's in a similar type of relationship. And the rest of the newbies just sort of moved on and accepted it.

Cheers, fellow co-workers. Let's go write some acrostic poems and share them with the group.

Bag it up

Marie Claire of all places has a very decent article about condom use in their September issue.

For a totally better and awesomely informative look at contraceptive use in the United States in general, check this out.

And finally, if you're a woman and are looking for an alternative form of birth control, you could always consider this as well.

Self-aware

This past weekend Frisbee and I went to a birthday party. One of the other people that play frisbee was turning a fairly significant age. I'll leave it up to you to guess which number.

 

After the party had been going on for a few hours, I found myself hanging out with one of the frisbee folks that I find fairly attractive. For the sake of clarity, I'll call him Newcastle. So I was hanging out with Newcastle, and we decided to go outside where some of the other frisbee people were playing a game in the parking lot. On the way outside, I put my arm around him and asked if it was okay. I told him all the reasons that I think he's a pretty cool dude.

When we were heading back inside later, I was holding his hand. When we were almost back to the front door of the hotel, he stopped me and told me all the things he liked about me.

Which was pretty much everything, except for the fact that I'm married. I asked if it was because he didn't believe me when I said Now-hubby is okay with me flirting, etc. with other people. Newcastle said it's just not who he is - that he likes to go on "dinner and a movie" type dates, and be exclusive. I asked if it was because he actually didn't find me attractive and was just trying to let me down without hurting my feelings. He said I'm pretty much, "his perfect girl."

Then he asked if I wanted to kiss him.

Which I did. Up against the wall of the hotel. For at least the next five minutes. It was phenomenal. We eventually stopped because the whole me being married thing was "too much" for him to get over. These are the frustrating ones. The potential good things that I have to let go because there's a fundamental difference in the way the other person approaches and thinks about things. There's definite interest on both sides, but it just doesn't work. No matter how much I reassure and communicate and answer all the questions honestly.

 The super frustrating part came once we were back inside and he said, "Seriously, though. Where are the girls like you?" And I just wanted to scream. I am a girl like me. And I'm right here.