Friday, December 12, 2014

Soft spots

So, for context before we begin this entry. I'm currently sitting at this little desk thing in a hotel room while the guy I'm on a date with goes to his work Christmas party (he'll be coming back afterward). Already this evening, he gave me a great back rub after an incredibly stressful day at work and we had phenomenal sex where he finished into my mouth. Then we sat around, watched Duck Soup, and talked about our current favorite TV shows. Also, I got these amazing new knee-high socks because his wife is a shrimp (an incredibly sexy one) and they don't fit her tiny, sexy legs. And now he's on his way to his work party and I'm sitting here with some Gardetto's and a Shiner Bock to write this entry.

We also had a fun discussion about how unremarkable all of the above seems to us, while most of the people we interact with on a daily basis would be shocked.

In any case, let's get this entry underway, shall we?

I've been spending a bit of time recently watching pornography. I became a member over at A Four Chambered Heart, who happens to have as one of their video performers the breath-stoppingly sexy Owen Gray.

(Yes, the picture is actually from Where I do not have a membership but where Owen does perform and is still incredibly sexy.)

Anyway. This entry is not about him specifically. I just wanted to mention him because he is worth knowing about. And he happens to be a performer on the site that I've been watching porn on recently, so there you go. You're welcome.

What this entry is about is the misrepresentation of female arousal in pornography. (Ladies and gentlemen, the award for sentence most likely to be taken from a human sexualities thesis paper goes to...) See here my previously stated opinions on porn in general. Let's take a few moments to clarify vocabulary. By "female arousal," I don't mean simply, "is she having an orgasm or faking it?" I'm not here to judge female porn performers and whether or not they're having authentic orgasms. I've been knuckle deep in authentics and in fakers, and that's really the only way to judge. So whether or not somebody externally looks like they're having an orgasm is none of my concern. By "female arousal" I mean what is expressed in porn as being necessary to get a lady interested. Especially the tropes specific to her partner(s) gender.

For simplicities sake, I'm talking only about two style of porn. Straight (woman/man) and lesbian (woman/woman). Which I feel neither one has a very good grasp on what women actually enjoy. In straight porn, there's the myth that penetration=orgasm. There's lots of writhing around, but the woman doesn't actually start getting orgasmically invested until something is in or around her vagina. In lesbian porn, it's the eroticization of kissing. Woman-on-woman is all sensual touches, delicate licks, and practical orgasms just from being in the same physical presence as another vagina. (Don't even get me started on scissoring, which I'm sure serves a very great purpose for those who it works for, but the proliferation of which in pornography is right up there with facials as a standard "finishing" move in straight porn. The frequency of how often those activities happen in real life versus how often they happen in porn is, I think, severely less.) Women have this dichotomous choice to be either the cock-hungry nympho (straight porn) or the sensitive snowflake that only needs foreplay to feel satisfied (lesbian porn). There are, of course, exceptions to the rule. I'm just nattering about the "usual." There's two typical, mythical expressions of female sexuality in porn. The "penetration only" orgasm and women being so incredibly sensitive that kissing is erotic enough as sexual expression.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Moral Oral

No, sadly, this is not going to be an entry about that hilarious stop-motion show from [adult swim].

The other possible title for this entry could be: "Why I fuck married guys."

I've been meaning to write an entry specifically about this topic for awhile now, but it always seems to get pushed to the side. With the gang bang coming up this evening, I thought it time to officially bring the topic to fruition. There's the three (of course) main types of married gentleman at the parties:

1. Those who are married and in some form of open marriage. These guys either show up with their female partner who's going to also be participating at the party, or they're at the party by themselves with their partner's full knowledge and consent.
2. Those who are married, talk about it, but are clearly lying to their spouses. Yes, there are guys that actually do this. It's not limited to married men, but for purposes of this entry those are the ones I'm talking about. I have had guys in the past also explicitly mention girlfriends or other committed relationships that they were cheating on by being with me.
3. Those who are married and don't say anything about it. These aren't as easy to identify, as the knowledge that they're married comes second-hand. Somebody else at the party will know them and know that they're married (the nice thing about the parties being that nobody's going to snitch on that particular person to their spouse). 

When I first started out identifying as a poly single (well, at the time I just called myself a "slut"), I had this sanctimonious mindset that since I was completely honest and open with all of my partners, it was really important to me that all of them were also being completely honest and open with any of their other partners. I would ask people, "does your girlfriend know about you being out with me right now? Is she okay with it?" To go back to the different types from the gang bangs, if I met the "Type 1" guy, game on. Type 2? Not only would I decline to have sex with them, but I would also usually give them a bit of hell about how they weren't being the best type of person by lying in their relationships.

Then I had one of those moments where I spent a few days seriously analyzing why I was doing that.

And I realized there was also Type 3 married dude. More importantly, I realized that unless I had that second-hand knowledge that Type 3 was married, I had absolutely no idea that they were. I was asking guys if they were in relationships, but I took their yes or no answers completely at face value. It was entirely possible that Type 3s were masquerading as Type 1s, and I would have absolutely no evidence. I wasn't going on dates, then waiting until I had a chance to search state marriage licenses before I would have sex with somebody. 

I was recently talking to Frisbee about how I've had guys turn me down before because I'm married. "You're exactly the type of girl I'm into, but I can't do this because you're already married." For me, it's important for the people I have sex with to know a little bit about what they're getting themselves into. (I mean, besides my vagina. Hey-oooo.) So I take these rejections amenably and go on with my life. But if somebody's not going to let people know about their other committed-type relationships, I feel it encourages them to maintain the lie if they're otherwise going to be dismissed in advance.

I had a similar discussion once with a dude who would only have vaginal sex with his girlfriends after they started taking birth control. He'd also always wear condoms, but he wanted the double protection against having babies. Which, seems really smart and all until taken to the insane extreme of him having to physically be present when she took her pill to verify she was actually taking it. Was he going to check under her tongue à la Cuckoo's Nest to make absolutely sure she was taking it? Not that he actually was doing these things, those are just examples of the type of arguments I'm particularly good at making. The, "did you think about it this way?" angle. Control what you can have control over. Don't expend needless energy worrying about all the other contingencies. 

I think the best anybody can hope for is to just live their own romantic and sexual life in a way that's safe, sane, and consensual. Yes, that last one gets a bit tricky since this is an entry about how I'll have sex with people who are, for all intents and purposes, cheating. It's a bit of a loophole, but if me and said cheater are having sex, that's consensual between the two of us. It might not make me the most moral person on the planet, but I'm okay with that.