Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Step one: Collect Underpants

That's not really one of the ways mentioned in this article titled, "5 Ways to Keep Married Sex Exciting," but it might as well have been with as much sense as the actual suggestions make. The article itself is a fantastic mix of actually good advice and bullshit rhetoric. Here are the highlights:

Couples who believed that cohabitating would keep their sex hot have been disillusioned and disappointed when they find out that what keeps sex hot is the security of a committed relationship. 

When the author uses the word, "committed," she means "married." I just thought I would clear that up for everybody, because it's an important distinction to make. I don't honestly know how you wind up cohabitating with somebody you're also in a relationship with unless that relationship is somewhat secure and committed. I guess maybe people have a lull in their sex life and instead of the usual fare of, "let's try role play" they're like, "let's move in together." Who knows. In the world of straight people, that's maybe just crazy enough to work.

Moving in together without a commitment to one another may have made the sex better at first, but once the couple began leaning more on one another and having expectations of one another, the sex dwindled just as it does in a marriage that isn't working.

Just making sure you all understand that by "commitment" we still mean "marriage." It's like she's angry people are trying to somehow cheat the system by having one without the other. Do you hear that, you common law hippies? You're going to get bored just like the rest of us married folks eventually.

It is fascinating to talk with a couple that has been married for twenty years while you try to imagine what they still see in each other. 

"Fascinating" maybe. For me, if I'm talking with two people and I have to use my imagination to figure out why they're still together because outwardly they appear completely unhappy, it's more depressing than fascinating.

My husband says things and touches me now in a way that is much deeper than when we first married.

Hehe. Deeper touches.

For women, the more secure and comfortable they are with their partner, the more unconventional and open to new things they will be.

I have problems with this statement on many levels. It's the first instance in this article where she really starts placing the blame on why married sex isn't exciting. Hint: It's the woman's problem. It's not about married sex being boring, it's about women making married sex boring with all our stupid lady problems.

My secondary problem with that statement is it implies a couple can reach a level of comfort and security where virtually any sex act will be available to sample. It allows the, "if you really loved me you'd do this," card to get played, and that's a shitty, shitty card.

Although I do appreciate the idea that for a couple's 25th wedding anniversary, instead of silver they'll celebrate with anal. Consensual, secure, and comfortable anal.

Men's need for visual variety is much higher than women's.


This statement gets presented so often as fact that I have absolutely nothing to say in response to it anymore. It just hurts my head whenever it pops up.

Men may use this as an excuse for why they visit men's clubs or invest in pornography, when in truth, this is a rote and "in the box thinking" excuse.

Yes, invest!

This [talking about their sex lives] proves excruciatingly painful for them, especially the women. 

Damnit, ladies. You won't have boring sex, and now you won't even have boring conversations about your boring sex.

...but if one of them interjects, "Oh wait, we have to talk about our sex life now,"...

Which prompted Now-hubby to ask, "Who the fuck actually talks like that?"

Some of women's views about their sexuality are directly related to the way society affords more social accolades for being a good mom than they do for being a wonderful, intimate partner to their husbands (the media also projects husbands as being another child for the wife to look after). 

Notice the very subtle change to the woman being a mother now. It's partly my child-free bias, but I notice things like this in articles about married couples. The article's not focused anymore just on married couples, it's focused on married couples with children. The article's not going to come right out and say that having kids might be contributing to the couple's boring sex life, but the kids are definitely at least worth mentioning in this article about how boring your married sex is. Also, yes. Media equals bad. Thanks.

It isn't uncommon for me to counsel a forty-year-old woman who has been married for years but has never had an orgasm and has no idea how to achieve one.

On the subject of women who have never (for whatever reason) given themselves an orgasm...

The wife needs to understand that sex is a stress reliever for her husband, and her husband needs to understand that sex may be an additional stressor to his wife.

There's a very important difference between understanding and actually giving a shit. I don't think this article is advocating for the latter. While the author does say the couple should communicate about their sex life, she doesn't mention talking about any of the other stuff that constitutes a relationship. i.e. balance of responsibilities in the household. She mentions dudes should help out around the house, and then women will feel less stressed and be able to show more physical affection. If I were a husband, I can read all the words from the article and fundamentally understand them, but it doesn't mean I'm going to have the first idea which "stressors" my wife needs help with unless I ask and she's willing to tell me. It's the dishes and maybe she'll give me a handjob. Hmm, yeah, that sounds reasonable.

Many women will tell me the reason they don't hug or touch their husband more is because their husband's mind goes directly to the goal of having sex, and she feels "too tired to get into all of that."

We're not even talking about sex anymore. We're talking about just touching your spouse. Holding hands with them. Hugging them. These couples aren't just not having sex, they're not showing any physical intimacy at all. This goes beyond dead bedrooms. This is fucking terrible. Also, the implication is there that men are so singularly minded that if you even so much as touch them they're going to think you want to have sex with them.

Fantasize. The more you think about sex, the more you will want it, so be sure to take time to think about it.

This is tip #3 in the list of 5 things to do to keep sex exciting. Don't worry. 1 and 2 were about the mind being your sexiest organ and embracing your flaws. You didn't miss much. I chose #3 to quote because it's fool proof. The only thing you have to do to actually want sex is to think more about sex!

Tip #3 also cracks me up because after blaming the media for giving women unrealistic expectations about themselves and sex, the author brings in this recommendation to help women get in the mind-frame for fantasizing:

Read romance novels, listen to music, and watch movies.

Surely none of those count as media, right?

Just remember to keep this one important tip in mind:

I caution couples not to share their fantasies unless they involve one another.

Which begs the question of what type of fantasies are "okay" to share, and what level of involvement we're actually talking about. For purposes of this article, I'm going to assume "involve" means the two people who are in the relationship having sex only with each other. Probably role play is not even allowed.

Get to know your body. Touch yourself so you know the sensitive areas of your body. Where does it make you feel good to touch?

Tip #4. I imagine somebody literally just poking themselves with their index finger. "Well, that doesn't feel good when I do it against my jawbone, maybe it'll feel good if I poke my elbow?" The issue with the "get to know your body" thing is unless you already have a sneaking suspicion of what feels good, you're in the dark as to where to begin. It's going to take awhile, especially if you don't even know what type of reaction you're looking for. I'm talking to you, 40 year old woman who's never had an orgasm. When I was first learning my body and what felt good in high school, it took me...about a year to really figure out what felt good vs. what felt "omg I'm going to cum" good. And it took more than just exploring my body. I read books and *gasp* looked at porn in addition to touching myself.

Healthy marriage foreplay starts first thing in the morning and lasts all day.

Tip #5. Talk about a chore. If sex itself is already a stressor, I don't see how having to maintain all-day foreplay lessens any of that stress.

Sexual intercourse is only one small part of sex. There are so many ways to be intimate in your marriage, so why get hung up on only one?

I dislike when people lump other forms of intimacy in with sex. Yes, hugging, kissing, holding hands, those are all nice things. Those can all foster an emotional connection with somebody when you're in a relationship. Sometimes these things can lead to sex. Sometimes not. Sex is a very particular and different type of intimacy, though.

Also, I don't know. Maybe we're hung up about sex because we just read an entire damn article about all the problems we're having with our boring sex, and how to make it better.

No comments:

Post a Comment