Saturday, November 21, 2015

The one where I watch the 50 Shades movie

Now-hubby and I are watching The Wire (first time through for him, second for me). We're about to get to episode 109 when he casually mentions, "50 Shades is on HBO."

Let's do this.

(Note: I just have the Blogger app open on my phone, so I'll post progress notes as this piece of shit plays, but this entry won't have gifs and shit, because that takes too much time on the phone.)

Intro music from Hocus Pocus...

Is this dude a cartoon character? He only has one type of suit and that's all he wears?

Without Anna's constant and obnoxious inner dialog, she's almost tolerable so far (I'm not more than 5 minutes in, so that's bound to change...)

First trip. Take a drink.

Miss Steele, that question's not on your approved list. Now it's time to punish-fuck you.

Aww. Just sing some carols and his heart will grow 3 sizes.

"This is just a really bad version of Secretary." (Now-hubby commentary will be in quotes. Everything else is my thoughts.)

Holy cow? You're supposed to say "crap," Anastasia. "Cow" is not canon.

"Ah, I see. This is supposed to put you on her side." (After I've explained how we don't have Anna's shitty narrative so her roommate has to steal a sandwich so we can infer that Kate's a terrible person.)

A connoisseur of masking tape? "Also, those aren't even masking tape!"

God, the possessive bullshit!!! She has male coworkers, unacceptable!!

Oh no, here's that part where she almost gets hit by that truck... I mean bike. Of course it's a bike.

"Yeah, get it all over her face."

Anna's technological ineptitude is less believable than her incredible virginity. What the flip phone?

*seductively bites toast*

"This movie is very bad. This movie is...very poorly made. This movie is a disgrace to cinema."

Omg!!! You were just balls deep in her roommate who shakes hands after that? What the fuck kind of social protocol is that?

"This is Edward putting what's-her-face on his back. It's the same sequence."

Where have you been? Waiting. (The room fills with vomit. I'm not capable of handling this.)

"You can't just dive in like that." No, you see? She's properly aroused just from being in his presence to have become a genital Slip N Slide.

This next one's going out to Anna's sweet ass snatch.

"This movie makes me feel like nudity is gross."

"Are they on the set of X-Men 2? What happened just now?"

The *you're special because...* rhetoric is so dumb. Yeah, so she's the first you've taken in the helicopter. *jerk off motions* Eventually you run out of significant things and then how will you express love for people?

You look...different. You mean like a sex slave. That's what you mean.

Well, she loves him. But he doesn't do love. That's what's supposed to keep you invested for 2 hours.

Hell of a sack. *snickers*

I will never understand how Anastasia is such a complete silence machine in person but an insufferable cunt over email.

You were supposed to use that computer for research goddammit! What are butt plugs? Jesus, Anna.

Otherwise, this negotiation scene is way better than in the book.

"And at that moment, Anastasia splooshed a goosh."

Seriously, without her Inner Goddess, this 2 stars instead of 1.

How have you put 15 other women through this contract and not know how birth control works?

I haven't heard "down there" yet at all. Again. 2 stars.

After care?? 2 1/2 stars

Somebody mentioned that other guy you know? And now you're going to visit your mom?!!! Wtf you think your a person or something? Just because I let you do a stupid dance to Frank Sinatra? Don't get ahead of yourself.

Ah....Christian's back story. *vomiting resumes*

They're both so ridiculously possessive. I feel like you could take Epicac or watch this movie. Results will be similar.

Shout out to everybody that's just into BDSM and doesn't need some fucked-up back story to justify it. Cheers to you folks.

BDSM is not about love. It's not. Just accept it, folks. Well, unless it's just light bondage and having sex. That's okay. Anything over that is ridiculously over the limit and there's no way you can care about somebody *and* hit them with a belt.

Ah, as in the books [spoiler] they broke up. So now I can stop caring. Huzzah.