Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Working it out

This past weekend I went with Frisbee to an awesome tournament thing a few hours away from where we live. We got to carpool and stay in a hotel with some of the other frisbee folks, which was super fun. The tournament itself was pretty awesome, and there were lots of new people to meet.
Conversations, as they tend to do, trended toward who amongst the new people Frisbee and I were interested in possibly seeing in more of a biblical sense.

I on the one hand enjoy conversations such as those, because it's interesting to see sometimes if my tastes align with Frisbee's. It's also interesting to get a data collection going to see if I can ascertain his "type" at all. 

There are sometimes when I'm having these types of conversations with Frisbee that other people are around and within earshot. Usually not the people we're checking out (we're smoother than that), but this weekend particularly the other frisbee folk were around. I've noticed slash been told that these are typically not conversations that people have with each other when they're in relationships.

Don't the two of you get jealous?

I can't speak for Frisbee. See this post (linked above) specifically about my feelings on jealousy. I don't feel like I get jealous; I get insecure. (Essentially the same thing? Probably. Let the definition debate rage on.) There's an initial hit whenever somebody I'm with in a more committed sense of the word expresses interest in somebody else. Then another hit whenever something physical happens between them and the new person. In either case, I deal with it by introspection. Not, "why is the person I care about doing this thing?" but, "why do I feel this way about the thing the person I care about is doing?" The answer usually winds up being, "I feel insecure about this because the other person might be better at x, y, or z than me and the person I care about might leave me for those greener pastures." The standard narrative creeps in fairly quickly. I'm not talking about the "they're going to be better than me" fear. I feel like that's pretty standard for humans; to compare ourselves to others. I'm talking about the, "therefore my significant other will care more about the other person and abandon me" half of the sentence. That's a pretty deep fear, and difficult to overcome. I want to tell anybody who's dealing with jealousy/insecurity in their open relationship that I deal with this every single time Frisbee or Now-hubby expresses interest in somebody new or does something physical with somebody else. And how important it is every single time to include Frisbee and/or Now-hubby in on my feelings. Not to blame either of them or make them responsible for my feelings, but just to express and get the feelings outside of the murk that can happen inside my head.

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