Wednesday, November 13, 2013

You learn something new everyday

Today I learned that my vagina is completely unpredictable and has apparently decided it wants to start my period this week instead of next week. Even though my period started the third week of the month last month, that's clearly no indicator that it will start on the third week of the month this month. I wish there was concise, easy way to describe how incredibly inconvenient it is to have a vagina that menstruates. Every other thing about my vagina I'm fairly okay with; even some of the less pleasant maintenance aspects of having a vagina. There are plenty of awesome things about it that balance out. (Also, quick aside update on the Lelo beads - I can now hold a 2 lb weight with my kegel muscles for almost a full minute. I think that's pretty damn impressive.) Oh, and my vaginal orgasms are completely fucking phenomenal. I love them. So there's quite a lot I'll put up with if it means I get to keep having those.

But menstruation? UUUUUUUUGH.

I will save you all the pithy rant that's about to happen about all the other aspects about having a period that suck. This entry is only about the scheduling. And how nice it would be if my vagina could just make up it's damn mind and pick one consistent week during the month where it'll gush out blood.

Do you hear me vagina?! Cooperate with me on this!

The part that angers me the most is that a period is biology conspiring against me. I am choosing not to have babies, yet my body is expecting me to. Therefore every month it builds up this blood lining within my uterus to nourish the tiny blastocyst it hopes will be implanted within it. (Yes, I googled the actual stage of egg development where it attaches to the uterine lining. Scientific accuracy is important.)

Do you know what would be better? If my body just took all that blood and put it back into my bloodstream. Re-integrated it. "Hey, I noticed you weren't using this to make a baby, we'll take it and do something more useful with it." Which, my period is also a helpful indicator that I'm not having a baby that month, but I feel the body could come up with other ways to indicate that as well. Maybe like a tiny subliminal, celebratory trumpet noise. Or the completed stage music from Mario Bros.

That could just play once ever month quietly inside a lady's head. Nobody else would hear it, but she would know she had made it through another month of sexual intercourse without becoming preggers. Congrats, lady. Thanks for being awesome and not bloody and annoying, vagina.

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