Friday, September 27, 2013

Visual assessment

This morning I had my colposcopy. It didn't hurt as badly as I had remembered the previous time, but still not comfortable. I brought up the idea to my gynecologist that the IUD might possibly be causing the abnormal results, and she told me it's entirely possible. All things considered, though, I'll take 6 month pap smears and maybe a colposcopy once a year if it means I can be baby free without hormones. I'm still not incredibly happy, but the pros still outweigh the cons when it comes to this method of birth control.

I took an entire day off of work, not because of the pain factor, but just because I have a 40 minute commute to work so to take a half day and then drive in for only 3 hours of work isn't worth it. Also, they're going to pay the sub for an entire day regardless.

Now-hubby also had the day off today so we're spending some lazy time together, which is awesome. After my appointment, we got some Starbucks coffee and had a conversation ranging from GameBoy color to our favorite SFW Tumblrs. When I get a chance to just sit down and chat with Now-hubby, I always remember exactly why I fell in love with him. He's an incredibly smart, witty man. And he understands and accepts me on a lot of levels, which is amazing.

One of those acceptance things is me expressing sexual interest in other people. Actually, when Now-hubby first asked if we could be together, I told him that certainly we could. But that I would probably fuck other people, and he'd have to be okay with that. I'd be honest with him, and we'd set up boundaries in our own relationship to set it apart from the sex I was having with others. I knew, though, that I was a fairly flirtatious and promiscuous person. And I wasn't going to shut down that part of myself for anybody.

Case in point number one: I went to use the restroom after finishing my coffee, and there was somebody apparently taking a shower in the ladies room with how long it was taking them. I checked the men's room, which was unlocked, but figured I'd wait it out for the ladies. As I was waiting, a gentleman approached and asked me if both restrooms were occupied. I said they weren't, and then he offered to let me use the men's before him. Point one: He's cool with girls defying societal gender rules. Point two: He was fairly cute. My mind immediately goes to, "hm, you could possibly bang this person" mode.

Case in point number two: While we were conversating, some people who work at Chipotle came in for their pre-shift coffee. (Now-hubby and I were actually getting coffee while we waited for Chipotle to open - the Chipotle and the Starbucks are in the same little outlet mall place, and we had an hour to kill between my appointment and official "lunch" time.) One of the Chipotle people is this scrawny, blond guy who makes me extremely uncomfortable in my pants. It's something about his veiny forearms that makes my girlhood tremble. It's...difficult to even remember what type of food I usually get when I go to Chipotle and he's working. 

These both happen while I was for all intents and purposes out on a date with Now-hubby. And I told him about both of them. How do things like me expressing sexual interest in other people not completely destroy his self-esteem? Because I express sexual interest in him as well. It's really that simple. Visual appreciation isn't about "better" or "worse," that's just the way it gets framed when you judge the value of your relationship on whether you're the exact match for somebody or not. Just because I like a Parrish painting doesn't mean I can't also appreciate a Dali.

I've had people accuse me of having low standards before. Because I have sex with lots of different people, I must be fairly indiscriminate. I don't see it that way. I see it more that I'm fairly open about admitting my attraction to other people, and there are a lot of attractive people out there in the world. The fact that I vocalize attraction to other people whether I'm around Now-hubby or not throws people off. When you're "with" somebody, you're not supposed to talk about other people you want to bang in front of that person. Or talk about wanting to bang other people at all, because commitment and fidelity and blah blah blah. When I've hung out with single friends, the frequency with which they comment on other people's attractiveness doesn't exceed mine. It's just the context of them having to be so selective about what constitutes "attractive" because they're looking for somebody that they can bang and also possibly spend the rest of their lives with. If you approach everybody as a potential lifetime partner, the level of what you'll accept in terms of physicality and compatibility gets more stringent. I don't have low standards, I have open standards.

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