Friday, July 6, 2012

Standard Narrative

Every once in awhile I've been known to frequent a little website called Reddit. For those of you in the know, yes, I do more than lurk and browse gw. For those of you unfamiliar, check it out.

Today, I found one of the better examples of the standard narrative and why I hate it over on r/sex. In a nutshell, a gentleman was caught masturbating by his pregnant wife, and it did not go well. You can find the actual post here.

I'm going to just go point by point of the things that annoy me. Strap in, motherfuckers.

But, I don't know, I still have needs.

"I have needs" should be the three words that are circle slashed, cut out, verboten, however you want to say just not fucking allowed anymore. This is a completely narcissistic view of relationships, and clearly states that regardless of what the other person in the relationship is feeling or doing, it shouldn't really matter. Because, you know, boners. It makes me imagine a telethon. You know. Sad music playing against Ken Burns style cuts of crying heterosexual men with raging hard-ons. Their frigid bitch wives just can't satisfy their needs anymore. For only two cents a day you can help these poor souls get their needs met. Call now. Operators are standing by. 

The previous night, I was willing to get it [sic] a shot and asked her if she was in the mood/up for it, but was turned down. It's been a solid 2 weeks.

Oh ho ho dear readers. See? It's really not his fault at all. He offered to "get it a shot" and try to get it up for his fat pregnant wife. It reminds me a bit of this. Give this man a fucking medal. He tried, folks. And then she said no. So, really, I think we can clearly see whose fault this whole thing really is. Also, two fucking weeks! That's an unheard amount of time for a man to have to wait to have sex with somebody. I've read science books - it's like, hard wired in their DNA or some shit.

Even as newlyweds, we'd only have sex maybe once a week. So, as unbelieveable as it was for me to do so, I had turned to masturbation fairly soon in our marriage to take care of my needs.

Again with the needs. Also, how the fuck do you get married to somebody and not realize that your sex drives are so completely incompatible? I'm not talking about, "oh geez I like to have sex in the morning and you like to have it in the evening." This is clearly, "I like to fuck whenever I feel the 'need' to." (And when you have needs, that's a responsibility.) vs. "I only feel we need to have sex maybe once a week." I don't think it's unbelievable that the OP had to "turn" to masturbation, I think it's unbelievable that he made a lifetime commitment to somebody who he clearly doesn't agree with on a fundamental level that is important to him.

...during the 4 months that we were apart, she didn't feel the need to rub one out herself...but I digress.

Indeed you do. We've now passed the bridge from moderately passive aggressive (you're not meeting "my needs," even after I so generously offered to fuck you the other night) into total and absolute passive aggression (not only are you not meeting my needs, but you don't even know how to meet your own, and that makes you worthy of pity and scorn). was like watching an infant who just fell down and scraped their knee...

I like the implication here that his wife is literally an infant. As in, not an equitable adult who he would have to treat with a modicum of respect or acknowledge her feelings. I mean, kids fall down and all you have to do is not freak out about it. Then they don't freak out about it. Kids and women are so easily emotionally swayed, right? Let's disregard the fact that infants generally don't fall down, as they aren't typically that mobile yet. Maybe something more like a toddler or a small child. Still, the implication is here that his wife is more of something he now has to deal with and fix.

Again, no porn was involved here.  

Again, this does not mean you get a gold star. This is not a legitimate argument as to why you are in the right here.

Now, I'm no dummy...I'm sure that a lot of what was at play here was just pregnancy hormones. 

Me to now-hubby: "If we ever get pregnant, and you blame something I do on 'pregnancy horomones,' I am going to rip the fetus out and then beat you to death with it."

At one point she said, "why couldn't you have turned to me?" Well, hun, I did last night and you said no.

Stellar. Just stellar. He tried!! And you said no. Therefore, anything he does after that point is completely justifiable and should not need explanation or discussion at all.


Overall, the entire thing just is so "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" that's it's abjectly painful.  I'm not a big fan of monogamy, but I'm an even lesser fan of heteronormative bullshit like this post. It's very difficult to believe that he didn't know about his wife's strict religious upbringing, or ideas about sex and masturbation before they got married. If it was clearly such a conflict, why do you nevertheless decide to go through the steps of being somehow contractually tied to this person?

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