Adding on

After a clutch call by bestie, I'm spending my Friday night at home drinking some Modelos and updating you all on what's going on in my life. (She didn't specifically tell me to get Modelos, but the decision was between driving into the city for indoor Ultimate or staying in and drinking. Either of which I was game for. The blog writing is a happy correlate to the drinking. So...you're welcome.)

I do actually have fairly interesting updates about what's been going on recently, though.

Now-hubby is currently out with a lady friend he's been seeing for the past month. Because she's an integral part of this entry, we'll assign her a nickname: #4. At what point do we start discussing that bullshit? How committed does somebody have to be within this relationship structure before they earn a nickname here on the blog? Also, to explain the numerical nickname, it's because we're 3, adding one on makes 4. She's not in any way involved with either me or Frisbee, but being involved with Now-hubby means she's at least semi-connected with the other two people in this relationship. If I can offer an analogy, it's like authors of a script. When I started off single and poly, I had the script of introducing myself and how I approached relationships down pat. Now-hubby introduced a co-author to my script, but we communicated pretty frequently with each other about changes or thoughts we had about how we defined being together. Being single and poly is complicated because there are people you gel with more completely than others, and the best you can do is just be honest with everybody and enter every relationship without the expectation that it will be "the one." The discussion with new partners when single and poly is fairly standard. When approaching poly from a more "coupled" standard, Now-hubby and I have more of a Ven Diagram script. We have an agreement between the two of us, but we mostly play separately and with our own individual scripts about our agreement together. When I first met Frisbee, that added a third to the editing table, but I played the go-between. We never sat down to edit anything together. That was a script nobody was familiar with, and it took a lot of edits before we got it right. Now that Now-hubby is seeking something more permanent with #4, the edits get even messier. Which is not to say that in the end they won't be beneficial, but just that going through the edits can be complicated.

In any case, things between Now-hubby and #4 do seem to be pretty serious. In an interesting parallel, they're about at the same point as Frisbee and I were when we first got together. Minus the meeting at a gang bang part. Now-hubby and #4 connected online, went on a few dates, and seem to be getting along well enough where Now-hubby wants to see #4 on a more regular, weekly basis.

(Yeah, that's right, I get to be Little Finger and Now-hubby has to be Treetrunks. It's my blog. I make the rules.)

Here's where things get complex. Now-hubby and I had a brief discussion about him taking things to a more "serious" level with #4, and we agreed it would be worthwhile to call a house meeting about it. (Side note: we do sometimes meet outside of our regular monthly meetings to discuss things. Side side note: "Luck be a Lady" started playing on my Pandora as I was writing that previous sentence. Sometimes random probability is a beautiful thing.)

I want to take a moment and let everybody out there that I handled the meeting abysmally. Lest anybody begin to get the impression that my relationship(s) are all sunshine and roses, sitting down with Frisbee and Now-hubby to actually hash out the details of how/when Now-hubby and #4 were going to spend time together sent me into an insecurity spiral that was pretty ugly. I was catty, dismissive, and generally unhelpful. The meeting ended with me sitting in a snarky cloud of self-righteousness, Frisbee awkwardly excusing himself, and Now-hubby storming off amid many expletives. Definitely not one of our best meetings, and I take majority of the blame for it.

We/I definitely could have handled it better. Now-hubby and I had several follow-up meetings (after talking to Frisbee and having him express that he was fine with whatever decision was reached as long as he was informed). Our biggest take-aways:

1. When looking to add onto an established relationship, start at home first.

I'm completely against rank-style vernacular like "primary" and "secondary" when it comes to non-monogamy. However, there is something to be said if you spend more than 75% of a week with one person; pay bills with them, etc. That's the person who needs to be consulted first as regards any changes that might be occurring to the current schedule. Now-hubby made a pretty significant misstep in talking to #4 first about weekly dates. That put me in a position of the heavy; was I going to give the okay or not? Which brings us to the second tip:

2. Be as honest about your immediate desires as possible.

When you're the partner adding on, what exactly are you looking for with this new partner? Especially in the short-term? New Relationship Energy is definitely a thing, but please try your best to shelve all the "we're so perfect together!" idealism and focus only on immediate requests. "I would like to spend the night with him/her." These one-step requests are a lot easier to discuss and plan for than trying to evaluate an entire future together with this new person.

Other than that?

Just between us girls

Last night Frisbee and I stayed out late playing indoor Ultimate while Now-hubby had a date at the house. Frisbee and I were not sexiled, it just happened that our schedule had us out of the house on the same night that Now-hubby had invited his lady-friend over. Sometimes in poly the schedule just fucking works, and those are amazing moments.

This evening I'm going out with the guy with the awesomely curved penis, and yes, for those of you doing the math, it's been almost nine months since I last had sex with this particular gentleman. We did run into each other at a mutual friend's Halloween party, but this will be the first time the two of us are going to get together biblically since the first time back in April last year.

That's the thing about scheduling all this poly nonsense. Sometimes you and your boyfriend are going out and it just happens that your husband's lady-friend can come to keep him company on that same evening. And sometimes you send flirty messages with a really cute guy but your schedules are both so incredibly busy that it takes nine months before the two of you can get together. For those of you still imagining that when a person's in an open relationship they can just sort of walk out the door and get any and all the sex they want, I'm here to tell you that's not usually how it works. It winds up being a lot more about sending squirmy, sexy messages to people and then working around increasingly complex schedules to try and figure out when you can actually manage to get together.

On the topic of my date tonight, we're going to go check out a burlesque show and then head back to his place to watch movies/probably be naked together. Another couple will be joining us at the burlesque show, and the male half of the couple posited whether we'd all like to stay together for the second half of the evening (particularly for the being naked part of it). I've actually played around with the male half of this other couple before. Massages, making-out, general groping. That sort of stuff. The lady half of the other couple I've never met, and I can sometimes be a bit judgmental when meeting new people, so I declined the offer. The way I see it, if the lady half of the other couple winds up grinding my gears, then no harm, no foul. If I wind up hitting it off famously with her, then we can always possibly schedule a get-together sometime in the future (you think scheduling things between two people is hilariously difficult, try it with four.)

Which brings me, of course, to the phenomenal experience that is having sex with other ladies. While visiting with my bestie over the holidays, it was brought up that I don't write enough here about my experiences with the fairer sex.

This is definitely not for lack of lady-on-lady business occurring. If I were to place blame anywhere on why I don't write as much about my experiences with women, there's two culprits.
1. It definitely doesn't happen as often. Outside of the fairly regular sex I have with Frisbee and Now-hubby, I tend to have sex with average of two or three other men a month. Ladies clock in at maybe one per month average.
2. I don't typically date (as in, dinner and a movie type date) women. Dates tend to involve some aspect of conversation, which gives me more to think about, and therefore gives me things to write about. I'm not implying that I don't even talk to the women I have sex with, our interactions just tend to be more "well, we're already in this bed together" type moments. And as smutty as this blog can be, I'm pretty terrible at graphic, play-by-play descriptions of a given sexual interaction.

All that being said, I am pretty decent at giving you the specific details of why having sex with women is fucking amazing. First, I'm going to go on the record and say fuck the noise about, "women are just so pretty and soft."

I'm not sexually attracted to women because they remind me of a nice, cuddly pillow with tits and make-up. (That's a completely separate entry: how female vs. male sexuality is perceived and why that's fucking stupid.) I'm sexually attracted to women for a lot of the same reasons I'm sexually attracted to men. Because when you look at somebody and they're attractive to you and you start thinking about what noises they'll make when you kiss their neck just below their earlobe. How their body might react when you run your hand up their shirt, or over their thighs, or across their back. Maybe that's just my over-imaginative, pervy mind.

Specifically, though, sex with women is incredible because of the way they orgasm. And if you've never felt a woman properly orgasm I feel bad for you, son. I say "feel" because how a woman outwardly expresses an orgasm isn't always the same. When you have your fingers inside a lady and you can feel the walls of her vagina clenching. That's what I'm talking about. That feeling is phenomenal. All that being said, to those women out there who are the orgasm vocalizers; the ones who's bodies clench; neck and chest blushing; the ones who squirm and writhe and sweat - Cheers. That's even better.

Same old, same old

Happy New Year, intrepid readers.

For those of you immensely curious (and I figure it has to be at least some of you), here's a super exclusive behind-the-scenes look at how this blog gets written:

Additionally, for those of you who didn't know I have a tumblr, now you know. You can find me there under willfulgirl83.

Things remain largely the same for me here in 2015. Now-hubby went on a fairly extensive road trip with his family over the holidays, which meant Frisbee and I had some time just the two of us in the house together. Which meant I got to play one of my favorite mind-occupying activities: the what-if game. The way this little hobby works is I imagine what my current situation would be like if events in the past had been different. What if I had gone to a University closer to where I grew up instead of to the one where I met Now-hubby? What if I had accepted that job in Texas when I first graduated instead of sticking around the Midwest because my mother was having another addiction relapse? This most recent iteration was: "What if I was only in a relationship with Frisbee?" This was a particularly good puzzler for me, because where we are currently is built upon the foundation that I was already in a relationship when I met him. It's why the what-if game is one of my favorite mind wanderers: the original questions rarely have one-off answers and tend to spin into almost indefinitely more detailed questions.

Outside of all my mind-wanderings, it was really nice to get an opportunity to kind of "play house" with Frisbee for a few days. We've known each other just shy of three years at this point, and have both expressed interest in continuing to know each other. Having a few days just the two of us to sort of work out the wiggles of what exactly that means was good. For context, when I met Now-hubby, he and I "dated" for about 4 years before we got an apartment together. We both saw other people during this time, but he and I were sort of the most "exclusive." i.e. We saw each other every day, spent most every night together, and frequently communicated that our plans for the future included wanting to continue to be together. When Frisbee and I first got together, we saw each for maybe a few hours every weekend. It was almost a month before I started spending nights over at his apartment, and then it was still only one or two nights per week. It's only been these past seven months that we've really been around each other with any domestic regularity. It hasn't been 100% easy street transitioning, but we keep being able to discuss issues as they arise, and we both seem to be staying interested in the long-term despite bumps in the road. (I'd also like to take a parenthetic moment and give incredible thanks to Now-hubby for meeting me at a time in my life when there were a lot more bumps in my road and I was a lot less able to rationally deal with them. I realize it's a very odd compliment to give him that I wouldn't be as well-off in my other relationships if he hadn't taken the time and devotion in our relationship together, but it's the truth.)

For those of you still in a behind-the-scenes, pervy voyeur type mode, I'll close by letting you know I had several options for this last gif (Lauren Prepon from Orange is the New Black being a pretty good runner-up), but I wound up picking this one. If I'm going to pop champagne to bring in the New Year, we're going to do it correct.

Soft spots

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Moral Oral

No, sadly, this is not going to be an entry about that hilarious stop-motion show from [adult swim].

The other possible title for this entry could be: "Why I fuck married guys."

I've been meaning to write an entry specifically about this topic for awhile now, but it always seems to get pushed to the side. With the gang bang coming up this evening, I thought it time to officially bring the topic to fruition. There's the three (of course) main types of married gentleman at the parties:

1. Those who are married and in some form of open marriage. These guys either show up with their female partner who's going to also be participating at the party, or they're at the party by themselves with their partner's full knowledge and consent.

2. Those who are married, talk about it, but are clearly lying to their spouses. Yes, there are guys that actually do this. It's not limited to married men, but for purposes of this entry those are the ones I'm talking about. I have had guys in the past also explicitly mention girlfriends or other committed relationships that they were cheating on by being with me.

3. Those who are married and don't say anything about it. These aren't as easy to identify, as the knowledge that they're married comes second-hand. Somebody else at the party will know them and know that they're married (the nice thing about the parties being that nobody's going to snitch on that particular person to their spouse). 

When I first started out identifying as a poly single (well, at the time I just called myself a "slut"), I had this sanctimonious mindset that since I was completely honest and open with all of my partners, it was really important to me that all of them were also being completely honest and open with any of their other partners. I would ask people, "does your girlfriend know about you being out with me right now? Is she okay with it?" To go back to the different types from the gang bangs, if I met the "Type 1" guy, game on. Type 2? Not only would I decline to have sex with them, but I would also usually give them a bit of hell about how they weren't being the best type of person by lying in their relationships.

Then I had one of those moments where I spent a few days seriously analyzing why I was doing that.

And I realized there was also Type 3 married dude. More importantly, I realized that unless I had that second-hand knowledge that Type 3 was married, I had absolutely no idea that they were. I was asking guys if they were in relationships, but I took their yes or no answers completely at face value. It was entirely possible that Type 3s were masquerading as Type 1s, and I would have absolutely no evidence. I wasn't going on dates, then waiting until I had a chance to search state marriage licenses before I would have sex with somebody. 

I was recently talking to Frisbee about how I've had guys turn me down before because I'm married. "You're exactly the type of girl I'm into, but I can't do this because you're already married." For me, it's important for the people I have sex with to know a little bit about what they're getting themselves into. (I mean, besides my vagina. Hey-oooo.) So I take these rejections amenably and go on with my life. But if somebody's not going to let people know about their other committed-type relationships, I feel it encourages them to maintain the lie if they're otherwise going to be dismissed in advance.

I had a similar discussion once with a dude who would only have vaginal sex with his girlfriends after they started taking birth control. He'd also always wear condoms, but he wanted the double protection against having babies. Which, seems really smart and all until taken to the insane extreme of him having to physically be present when she took her pill to verify she was actually taking it. Was he going to check under her tongue à la Cuckoo's Nest to make absolutely sure she was taking it? Not that he actually was doing these things, those are just examples of the type of arguments I'm particularly good at making. The, "did you think about it this way?" angle. Control what you can have control over. Don't expend needless energy worrying about all the other contingencies. 

I think the best anybody can hope for is to just live their own romantic and sexual life in a way that's safe, sane, and consensual. Yes, that last one gets a bit tricky since this is an entry about how I'll have sex with people who are, for all intents and purposes, cheating. It's a bit of a loophole, but if me and said cheater are having sex, that's consensual between the two of us. It might not make me the most moral person on the planet, but I'm okay with that.