Saturday, December 6, 2014

Moral Oral

No, sadly, this is not going to be an entry about that hilarious stop-motion show from [adult swim].

The other possible title for this entry could be: "Why I fuck married guys."

I've been meaning to write an entry specifically about this topic for awhile now, but it always seems to get pushed to the side. With the gang bang coming up this evening, I thought it time to officially bring the topic to fruition. There's the three (of course) main types of married gentleman at the parties:

1. Those who are married and in some form of open marriage. These guys either show up with their female partner who's going to also be participating at the party, or they're at the party by themselves with their partner's full knowledge and consent.
2. Those who are married, talk about it, but are clearly lying to their spouses. Yes, there are guys that actually do this. It's not limited to married men, but for purposes of this entry those are the ones I'm talking about. I have had guys in the past also explicitly mention girlfriends or other committed relationships that they were cheating on by being with me.
3. Those who are married and don't say anything about it. These aren't as easy to identify, as the knowledge that they're married comes second-hand. Somebody else at the party will know them and know that they're married (the nice thing about the parties being that nobody's going to snitch on that particular person to their spouse). 

When I first started out identifying as a poly single (well, at the time I just called myself a "slut"), I had this sanctimonious mindset that since I was completely honest and open with all of my partners, it was really important to me that all of them were also being completely honest and open with any of their other partners. I would ask people, "does your girlfriend know about you being out with me right now? Is she okay with it?" To go back to the different types from the gang bangs, if I met the "Type 1" guy, game on. Type 2? Not only would I decline to have sex with them, but I would also usually give them a bit of hell about how they weren't being the best type of person by lying in their relationships.

Then I had one of those moments where I spent a few days seriously analyzing why I was doing that.

And I realized there was also Type 3 married dude. More importantly, I realized that unless I had that second-hand knowledge that Type 3 was married, I had absolutely no idea that they were. I was asking guys if they were in relationships, but I took their yes or no answers completely at face value. It was entirely possible that Type 3s were masquerading as Type 1s, and I would have absolutely no evidence. I wasn't going on dates, then waiting until I had a chance to search state marriage licenses before I would have sex with somebody. 

I was recently talking to Frisbee about how I've had guys turn me down before because I'm married. "You're exactly the type of girl I'm into, but I can't do this because you're already married." For me, it's important for the people I have sex with to know a little bit about what they're getting themselves into. (I mean, besides my vagina. Hey-oooo.) So I take these rejections amenably and go on with my life. But if somebody's not going to let people know about their other committed-type relationships, I feel it encourages them to maintain the lie if they're otherwise going to be dismissed in advance.

I had a similar discussion once with a dude who would only have vaginal sex with his girlfriends after they started taking birth control. He'd also always wear condoms, but he wanted the double protection against having babies. Which, seems really smart and all until taken to the insane extreme of him having to physically be present when she took her pill to verify she was actually taking it. Was he going to check under her tongue à la Cuckoo's Nest to make absolutely sure she was taking it? Not that he actually was doing these things, those are just examples of the type of arguments I'm particularly good at making. The, "did you think about it this way?" angle. Control what you can have control over. Don't expend needless energy worrying about all the other contingencies. 

I think the best anybody can hope for is to just live their own romantic and sexual life in a way that's safe, sane, and consensual. Yes, that last one gets a bit tricky since this is an entry about how I'll have sex with people who are, for all intents and purposes, cheating. It's a bit of a loophole, but if me and said cheater are having sex, that's consensual between the two of us. It might not make me the most moral person on the planet, but I'm okay with that.

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