Yeah, she like it like it like it like that.

A question comes up sometimes when discussing my little open marriage. (I like to imagine that as some sort of children's show. Also, this past weekend I got an opportunity to answer a question honestly by talking about MLOM, and not a single person had any questions. Not one! Just, "that's very neat." And then the conversation moved on. It was fantastic.) That question is how I feel about now-hubby having other partners. This is more complex than the, "do you get jealous?" question, as it asks about my feelings in general, not the presence or non-presence of one emotion in particular.

What it's boiled down to after several years of working at it is appreciation. It sounds weird to those of the monogamous mindset, but I actually feel more loved by now-hubby when he finds other partners. This is because, when I can talk myself past the, "her boobs are bigger than mine, she has better skin than me, she's taller/shorter/etc/etc" bullshit physical comparisons, the majority of women that now-hubby tends to be attracted to are similar to me in non-physical attributes. I want to be very clear that I'm speaking primarily about the people now-hubby chooses to spend time with outside of fucking. It's nice to know that he's consistent in the type of people he likes to spend his time with.

If I went purely on physical attraction, I'd be spending a lot of time with Tom Delonge from 10 years ago. (Figuring out that number made me feel extremely old.)

Or Cillian Murphy from Batman Begins.

Or Shannyn Sossamon at any point.

Which, I mean, would be fun and all. And incredibly panty-moistening.

Maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

First, I just want to take a small moment to say, Mother Fucking Sally Draper!

Second, I'm to the point in Fifty Shades where she's more or less agreed to be his official sub. I sort of like that she's a little sassy about the whole thing. I don't know yet if they're playing it because she's inexperienced with the whole S/m relationship thing, so she thinks she can somehow "get away" with this type of attitude now, or that's just the sort of lady that she is. I'm hoping for the second option. Hopefully. (When she sent the email with the subject, "Shouty Capitals," my own little internal sassy sub clapped her hands in a very gleeful manner.) I'll keep ya'll posted. In any regard, it's shaping up to be better than I had anticipated, which is surprising.

Third, I love this tumblr. It's time I introduced you to it.

Permanent

I'm on the verge of a new tattoo. Number 15, for those of you keeping track.

I began my journey into ink shortly after my high school graduation. My cousins took me, we drove over an hour to get to the shop, and I didn't eat beforehand. I went pale about halfway through and was brought a cheeseburger. I also laughed partway through because "Hot in Herre" played on the radio, so there is a little thick part to the outline that nobody notices unless I point it out.

I like very much having conversations about my tattoos. I like it even more when people I've talked to decide to get one (or some) of their own. My mindset on tattoos and the people who get them has changed over time. At this point I am unquestionably enthusiastic about anybody even trying a tattoo. If it's a first, they always test first. If you can't take the pain, you don't have to do it. But if you can, how beautiful!

A brief interlude

To let ya'll know I'm reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I honestly hadn't heard anything about it until seeing this SNL skit. Then one of the local radio stations started doing this thing where they read excerpts of the book, except they replace all the "naughty" words with fruits or vegetables. After hearing lines like, "he licked ice cream from between my kumquats, licking each strawberry. Hard. Delicious." How can I not read something like that?

For clarification, I read it mainly for the giggles. I've already laughed my way through the main character feeling "naughty" for using the guy's toothbrush. "It's just like he's in my mouth." snrk

I am just getting to chapter six, where things get, as my co-worker explained to me, "raunchy." When of course she is not only a 21 year old virgin but also has never masturbated...

Learned behavior

This morning I went to Curves early (as in, 6:30 instead of 7:00), and therefore was the only one there besides the coach. When I pulled into the parking lot, there was a Penske truck there, and a guy standing near the back of the truck. (For those unfamiliar, Penske are moving vans/commercial trucks that you can rent.) None of the other businesses around Curves are open, but I don't think much about it. Maybe he's there for an early delivery thing.

As I begin my workout, the truck guy comes into Curves, asking about who has the Grand Am out in the parking lot. I say it's mine and then he informs me that my right rear tire is low on air. "I'd say about 8 pounds." The first thing that strikes me is that's an oddly specific amount of tire pressure to be quoting. The second thing is that I can see my car from the window, and the tire in question does not look particularly terrible. "That really makes me nervous, you driving on that," he says, and then heads out back to his truck. The coach and I check about 10 minutes later, and he is still out there, just sitting in his truck. After another 10 he finally pulls out of the parking lot. Nobody else came in this time, and no other shops opened, so what exactly the guy was doing there was anybody's guess.

Then the thought pops into my head that I'm usually very observant of my tire pressure (I had lots of issues with my previous car being super old and the tires deflating seemingly at whim), and that particular tire did not look low when I got in the car at home to drive to Curves. Which jumps immediately to, what if that guy purposefully let air out of my tire, and the whole "your tire is low on air" bit was his version of the "can you help me move this couch into my van" classic?

Learning Lessons

I went out to lunch yesterday with a friend to discuss open relationships. He's apparently met a new lady friend, and they're sort of considering one. Thus, information gathering must be done. Along with talking to some other mutual friends of ours who are open, he also wanted to talk to me and now-hubby about our relationship. How we make it work, what type of rules we have together, if we have any general input on open relationships, etc.

Here are my top 3 general inputs:

1. Know what you want first. I can tell you about Matt Bullen, or the Pervocracy, or the recent episode of 20/20 with the poly family near Boston. I can lend you copies of The Ethical Slut or Opening Up. I also have some books about relationships in general: about the psychology, history, and neuroscience behind all the different types of options. In the end, what matters the most is that you are willing to try an open relationship. And willing to possibly fail at it. There are differences between starting open (as now-hubby and I did), becoming open after a period of monogamy, or going to monogamy from open. What matters most is you. (At this point in the conversation, I said something along the lines of, "you can't expect multiple partners to meet your needs the same way you can't expect a single partner to meet your needs. Meet your own needs for yourself." To which now-hubby responded, "Thank you, Brian Kinney.")

2. Communicate. This is an important one for relationships in general, not just for those that are open. Having clear communication about wants, desires, and limits is important regardless of what type of relationship you're considering. It cycles back to Input 1. If you don't know yourself; what type of things you are looking for in a relationship, what your turn-ons and turn-offs are, etc. it's probably a bad idea to get involved in a relationship. I'm not saying that things don't sometimes necessitate compromise, or that you can't sometimes "bend" on things for a person you care a lot about. What I am saying is it's helpful to have a sort of guide map of yourself sketched out first. (For myself, I discovered an enjoyment of old black and white movies from being with now-hubby, something I didn't think I would have liked previously. I still hate most ska music. Those are fairly benign examples, but it serves the point.)
Also, communicate on your rules. Are there specific physical actions that your partner might do with another person that would make you uncomfortable? Please avoid the whole, "keep it physical, don't get emotions involved" rule - that's fine if the boundaries of your open relationship are going to only include completely random one-time-only hook-ups. But it's completely impossible (and possibly some sort of crime) to try and control somebody else's emotions. We're talking more along the lines of, "I am okay with you performing oral on other people, but I am not comfortable with you performing or receiving anal from anybody but me." Something else to think about: What type of information do you want to know about your partner's extracurricular excursions? Do you want a play-by-play description when they get home (as I do?) or are you okay with just knowing they got somewhere safely, had a good time, and give you notice when they're coming home (as now-hubby likes?)

3.  You will still be a human being. A lot of misinformation gets thrown around in general society about open relationships. One of the more aggravating expectations is that by becoming open, one will somehow transcend jealousy completely. It will no longer be an emotional factor. False. There is a word in the poly world called "compersion," but it's not a replacement for jealousy. It's just a different way of dealing with it. After enough times of dealing with it in that way, it starts to become second nature, so you have a lot of poly people around saying stupid things about how they just don't get jealous. It hasn't been completely eradicated as a feeling, you just get better at dealing with it.

Special

When I first met now-hubby (again, I want a nickname for him, but nothing really sits well, and I've already used that term, so thus shall he be), a large obstacle was the open relationship. I had made the conscious decision when the rest of those around me began pairing off that it wasn't exactly what I wanted. I've spent a lot of time analyzing it, discussing it, and telling other people about it, but in the end it sort of comes down to that's not the type of relationship that I wanted. The whole "boyfriend/girlfriend" thing exclusivity did not appeal to me, and so I went outside it.

While he wasn't necessarily traditional in his viewpoints on relationships, it was still an adjustment to the idea he was somehow special to me, yet I did sexual things with other people that I also did with him. It's still sometimes a sticking point. What makes us unique and special to each other vs. the other people that we may include in our lives? Like most things in relationships, it winds up being emotional rather than fact or physical. I don't sleep overnight with anybody unless I have run it by him first. That's easy to define, something that I can explain to potential other partners. What gets trickier is the little squishy feeling inside my heart sometimes when I feel his arm around me. That's what makes it special.

Verbosity

When somebody gets into kink, it's helpful to have preferences and limits. i.e Things that you are definitely into, things you are willing to try (soft limits), and things that you aren't even interested in exploring (hard limits). These vary depending on whether you're defining them as a top or a bottom. (Just as examples, my "intos" as a top include biting and flogging. As a bottom I like choking and impact play.)

When somebody is not necessarily into kink, there are still things that inspire boners and those that don't.

In either scenario (kink or vanilla-based sex), there is very little that kills my boner faster that talking dirty. Either giving or receiving. If you feel the need to describe and or hear about my "my hot little pussy" or how good your "rock hard dick" feels going into it, there's going to be very little more of that going on.

I'm not saying negotiations beforehand aren't important. Being able to communicate clearly about sex and your expectations thereof is something everybody should have to do. But once I've told you what I want, please do not narrate it for me as it's happening.

Virgin territory

Back before I started whittling my bedpost down with notches, I was at one point a virgin.

My first penile encounter was in high school, with a good friend's brother. He was a freshman, I was a senior. Technically statutory. If you want to get technical. Mostly I liked him because he had given me a copy of The Presidents of the United States of America CD when I lost mine, and we watched Iron Chef (the Japanese version) together. We didn't have sex. Held hands, kissed, touched each other's genitals. High school stuff like that. Mostly I remember things being very quick and fairly unexciting.

The first time somebody else gave me an orgasm was also in high school. It was at a party that was winding down (I don't remember if there was underage drinking or not, it's entirely possible). It was a weird grouping of people - mostly friends from drama and band, but a few friends of friends as well. Myself and one of the friends of friends were making out on a couch when he slipped his hand into my pants. I'd given myself orgasms before this point, but this was completely new and extraordinary.

I first made another woman orgasm my sophomore year of college. She was a friend I knew from the LGBT group in my dorm complex. I remember especially loving her nipples, the noises she made, and actually being able to feel her vaginal walls contract around my fingers when she came. This was a moment realized for me, that not only did I think women were sexually attractive, but they were also amazingly fun to have sex with. To this day, I get a ridiculous goofy grin when giving other women orgasms.

These three are particularly acute memories for me when I think about checking off the sexual experience list. There have been many other firsts since then (first anal, first threesome, first time in bondage, first pegging, etc.).