Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Alternative therapy

Before we begin this blog entry, I'd like to state that I am in no way advocating getting into either poly or BDSM as a sure-fire way to fix your psychological issues. I'm not trying to say that somehow poly or BDSM "fixed" me and I'm now a perfect ball of mental stability at all times. These are just some random observations I've made while thinking about stuff recently.

Poly = openness on other subjects. As we've previously discussed (please turn to the relevant pages of this blog for reference), Now-hubby and I have been poly since the beginning of our relationship. Even before we ever kissed, held hands, anything, I told him, "you can date me, but I'm probably still going to fuck other people." I believe the conversation happened on AIM, because that's what all the cool kids used to talk to each other on their super awesome computers back in my day.

In any case, being open about this aspect of what I wanted made it easier to be honest with Now-hubby about a lot of other things as well. Especially in the early days, we had to hash out exactly how our relationship was going to function. Because we were already spending a lot of time talking about our feelings and trying to honestly express what we wanted, I found it a lot easier to talk to him about my feelings about more general things. For example, that I like to be left alone when I get angry about something. Or that I sometimes say incredibly cutting and malicious things because I un-admittedly want to sabotage things that are going well for me. Or, when I visit parents, to not mistake smiles for actual happiness, and to not press on how I'm actually feeling.

Sessions = dealing with my own emotions. I find this especially when I'm subbing. I've explained it to other people who want a "why" to understand the reason I enjoy BDSM.

When I'm subbing, I like the fact that I can push my body to its limits. It's a particular reason I like impact play. The amount of impact/pain my body can actually handle is fascinating, and the mental ability to handle the physical aspects is no less impressive to me. If I'm with a particularly good top, I can get to a point while subbing where my whole mental ability to deal with things will sort of evaporate. At this point I usually start crying. Not because I'm actually hurt or because I'm upset or sad. If I'm with somebody who knows me, they won't stop the session when this happens. (As a favorite Dom of mine once said, "'No' is not your safe word.") They'll recognize that it's just overload for that particular moment - that my brain is working at maximum capacity to deal with what's happening to my body, and it's overwhelming. But in a very, very good way. The best way I can explain this moment is like abject clarity. I've also sometimes cried during orgasm. Again, not because I'm actually hurt or upset about anything. Just because I've reached a point where it becomes impossible for my brain to process my body anymore, and it just goes into release mode. I find this helpful when I'm dealing with something on an emotional level in the real world. There are very few moments in the real world that are as physically taxing as those that happen during sessions, or during orgasm. It's a good emotional guidepost for where my brain has it's limits.

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