Fighting words

When I try to explain poly to my non-poly friends, I try to always stress that at the end of they day, our relationships are not that dissimilar. This is sort of different from when I try to explain queer relationships to my non-queer friends, then it's that one specific difference which is the sex we have. Now-hubby and I once got into an argument about Pride and why it has to be so (his words) "sexualized." It's because that's really the one difference between queer relationships and hetero ones, and it's the one time of year where we get to put that sexuality out on display and not be completely afraid for our lives because of it. If you think about not even being comfortable with holding your significant other's hand in public...you'd go a little overboard if you had an opportunity to actually express your love publicly.

But when it comes to my relationship being poly, I never feel that it's that outside the bounds of how other people formulate their relationships. The sex I have in my poly relationships is still sex.

 
In my own experience, it's easier for people to wrap their heads around, "Oh, so you have sex with more than one person, sometimes at the same time," than it is for, "Oh, you have 1:1 sex with people who have the same genitals as you do." I'm unsure as to why this is, but I have a feeling it has something to do with sexual orientation in general, and to get really deep thought mode on ya'll, with the way people perceive their existence.

 
So if somebody isn't attracted to people of the same sex, then it's difficult for them to imagine a life where they would be. I'm not saying it's impossible to empathize, I'm just saying for them personally that's not the way their world works. The perspective is different. I mean, maybe an otherwise monogamous couple will want to get "freaky" and try some light bondage or even like a threesome or something.

 
So when I bring up the type of things I do, it's not entirely outside their imagination to deal with.

 
But exclusively dating and/or being with somebody of the same sex for more than one evening? A bit more elusive for otherwise monogamous straight people, as far as I've found.

In any case, poly relationships being like other relationships. Think of all the things that are awesome in your monogamous relationship. All of those things are awesome in my poly relationship. Going on dates, cuddling, laughing, just sitting on your computers on a Wed night appreciating each others company (d'aww), etc. It's the same for things that are not so great sometimes in relationships, too. I feel like these don't get talked about as much, which is unfortunate. It's sort of like you're in this alternative relationship model and you can't admit that something is wrong because then it just adds fuel to the fire of everybody who was telling you already that you're relationship wasn't going to work. Honest question: do monogamous couples deal with this? I mean, outside of those relationships where for whatever reason the people around you don't like the person that you're with. Are there people who fundamentally say, "formatting your relationship in a monogamous fashion is wrong," and then as soon as you have even the smallest fight are all, "see? I told you not to do this and you didn't listen to me and now your relationship is failing."

Those things that are not so awesome in your monogamous relationship? Bickering about housework, feeling like you don't have enough time for each other, saying the exact same words as the other person but meaning something different and then your feelings get hurt. All of those things happen in poly, too. It gets complicated with multiple people dealing with the bad as well as the good. When things are good, they're good. When things are bad, there's additional involvement with the additional people (and opinions) in the relationship.

Sparkly!

Besides the lack of capitalization that makes me sort of like this,

the actual content of this article is fucking hilarious. Seriously. When Always was first coming out with the Infinity line, I bought my regular boring Always pads and they had like a special "try it out" Infinity kit in the box. Also, does anybody else feel like feminine hygiene products are sort of like automobiles? The model's Always but the make is Infinity. The kit looked a bit like this

and I just remember laughing until my lungs hurt at that fucking glittery purple carrying bag I was supposed to store all my feminine products in.

 
Maybe it was just my generation, but anybody else remember those horror stories in Seventeen magazine where the girl's in high school and thinks she's pulling a sandwich out of her backpack for lunch, but it's really a pad? Or trying to get a pen out of her bag and accidentally grab a tampon instead? It's just one of those things that is supposed to happen to women but you're not supposed to like...ever talk about it or let you ever see you actually dealing with it. So maybe Always is just being very progressive and trying to make it like...fun and sparkly to have your period.

The first rule is, there are no rules

I came across this blog thing today. It's a bit tl;dr, but worth the read if you have the time. A lot of things I agree with.

I'm going to come out in defense of rules, though. I agree with the author on the idea that having too many rules can be a bad thing, and that rules trying to constrain somebody's emotions are ridiculous. There's a part where she talks about how it should just be basic human niceties, and you don't need specific rules in a relationship because that undermines trust and is just a subversive way to control the person you're with. The way I see it, though, is that relationships are complicated and you need to at least go over your comfort levels with certain activities. Because in the end poly is still a relationship - maybe not the pair-bonded, "one penis only party" that's covered in the other blog - and it's important for healthy relationships to know and respect your partner(s). I like to think about it like any other preference. Analogy time! Let's say I like sushi (because I do), but Frisbee isn't keen on it (because he's not). So in our relationship I might not ask him to take me out to restaurants where they only serve sushi, because I know it's not something he likes. But it would be silly for him to expect me to stop liking sushi just because he doesn't, to not go out for sushi with others, or to even enjoy getting sushi on my own.

Now-hubby and I started putting a parenthetical on our relationship rules after awhile: unless communicated and agreed upon. So, for example, we have a "no overnight" rule (unless communicated and agreed upon). The first night I met Frisbee I spent the night with him, but that was only because I had called Now-hubby and asked him first if it would be okay. I don't see it as constricting or like, "gee whiz I don't get to do what I want because you're such a stick in the mud with all these rules."

I see it as respecting the other person/people you are with. Is it important for you that you have specific sexual acts that you perform only with one partner? Then express that to your other partners. i.e. "I'd like it if you only got head from me (unless communicated and agreed upon)." When I was single, I knew there were certain things I was looking for in a relationship. Being open to poly was one of those things. Somebody who would be okay with telling me about their dates, and keep me in the loop on things like whether I was going to see them that night or not was also important. So it was my responsibility to communicate this, and make it a sort of "rule" for the relationship.

You guys!

Check this shit out!!

Also, that moment when a sub asks if he can orgasm in that very special pleading tone of voice...total happiness.

Changing your spots

Trip completed - tattoo completed. I also did not chicken out and got my nipples pierced. The piercing hurt like a son of a bitch, but the sensation of actually having my nipples pierced has brought pretty much any contact with my nipples from, "well, that's a mildly interesting feeling," to, "somebody put a fucking 'wet floor' sign down because my vaginal lubrication is creating dangerous situations right now." I'm not sure if this will eventually go away once they've properly healed. On the one hand I sort of hope so, because it's incredibly difficult to get things done when every time it so much as gets mildly cold and my nipples get hard I want to start humping things (consenting things, let's be clear). On the other hand, I sort of hope not, because during sexytimes it is fucking awesome to have that level of arousal going on just from having my nipples stimulated.

I also spent a fair portion of the trip talking divorce with people, because it's something that's happening in the lives of some of the people I know back home. The particular instance of my sister and her ex-husband got me thinking about cheaters in general, and the type of people who get involved with cheaters. To make a long story short, my sister married this guy. About 3 months after the wedding, he asks for a divorce. Turns out he had met this other chick at work and had been cheating with her even while he was planning the wedding to my sister.

I guess my main thought on the whole thing is what's the perspective of the "other woman" in this instance? I mean, she knew that the guy she was dating was planning a wedding with my sister. She knew that he was lying to my sister about this other relationship. Doesn't that sort of inherently create doubt as to the sincerity of her own relationship with this guy? It's another one of those monogamous mind-puzzles that I sort of wonder how people get around. I've heard it justified because love is a quantifiable thing, so you can love one person more than you love another person. Okay, fine. Maybe you do feel different versions of love for different people. I'll let you buy into that one, even if you don't agree with me that those types of love don't have to be mutually exclusive events. What I honestly don't understand is, if you know somebody is treating somebody else poorly in a relationship, how do you talk yourself around to the point where you think it's a good idea to get together with that person yourself? I guess there is the trope out there of love as a transformative thing- people doing things for love, changing themselves in some way because of love. Whatever the fuck. That's one I can't figure out. (There are a very few choice Sex and the City references going through my head right now, but I'll save those for my own internal peanut gallery and spare you the commentary.)

Reading Rainbow

Heading to the homelands this weekend with Frisbee. On the agenda is possible nipple piercing (if I don't chicken out/if I have enough time for it), and definite matching BFF tattoos with my BFF.

Speaking of women with tattooos...here's a neat little thing from the New York Times.

*sotto voice* The book is also pretty cool.

That's all, denizens!

A moment for reflection

So, I'm taking this off the whole "kinky sex relationship time" for this entry on how completely ridiculous and stupid the latest episode of Switched at Birth was.

For those of you not up to date with the show at all, the entire premise is that there's two teenage girls. One of them is Deaf, the other one is hearing. That's the main difference, although the show's on ABC family so they also like to play up the fact that one of them is super rich and the other one is not so much. Oh, also one of them is white and the other one is Latina. Sometimes that's like...apparently important for some reason. They were born in the same hospital, some sleep-deprived nurse took them from the nursery and sent them home with the wrong families. Now the families have figured it out (because of some high school biology lab where the hearing girl was testing her blood type, of all contrivances), and deal with the aftermath. Bam. Show premise.

Fast forward to now (second season), and Bay (the hearing girl) decides she wants to go to Daphne's (the Deaf girl) school. The school for the Deaf. Which, for those of you who are unfamiliar with that concept - a school for the Deaf is just what it sounds like (haha pun not intended but now that's it there...). An entire school for students who are Deaf. Typically residential in nature, meaning the kids live at the school as well as attend classes. American Sign Language (ASL) is the primary means of communication.

Bay started learning ASL when the whole switch was discovered and she met Daphne. She also dated a Deaf guy named Emmett for awhile (don't ask me how that worked, they both liked art so I guess it didn't matter that they couldn't really communicate). I haven't really been keeping track of time in the show, so I don't know exactly how long Bay's been learning ASL, but her signing is....pretty terrible. Which sounds harsh of me to say, but I wouldn't be so critical if a large portion of every episode wasn't set aside for people to compliment Bay on how "great" her signing is, and for Bay to rub her own chub about how good she is at signing. Just...if all I knew how to effectively say in another language was "Hi, how are you?" and maybe like a handful of other words, I wouldn't be running around all, "omg I'm sooo totally fluent!"

So, initially, the idea that Bay wants to go to the Deaf school is laughable. But wait! She's not just signing up out of the blue. It turns out the Deaf school has this "pilot program" for hearing students. Which...if that exists in the real world this is the first time I have heard about it. The pilot program apparently consists of Bay and this other hearing guy named Teo - that's it. Two fucking hearing kids. So I'd say the program is an awesome success.

When Bay's trying to talk her parents into letting her go to the Deaf school, Daphne brings up the point that the program is for CODAs (Children of Deaf Adults), hearing people related to Deaf people, etc. In other words, people who may possibly have had exposure to ASL before. In other other words, people who are not Bay or Teo. As far as I've seen from Teo, he doesn't even have enough wherewithal to just fucking wave when he's trying to say hello to somebody, he's so dependent on his speech to communicate.

I was one minute into this latest episode and Bay was all, "I love signing, and I'm good at it." And I was all, "are you freaking serious?"

 
She starts at the Deaf school and it's a fucking travesty. Which...who saw that coming?

There's a scene where Teo and Bay are trying to find "Intro to ASL" class. Which, maybe I'm being harsher on this scene than I need to be, because it could be that the "intro" is actually about introducing students to the finer intricacies of Sign Language. Like, how to set up sentences without English grammar structure, or how to character switch when telling an ASL story. I mean, if the idea is that they're hearing people who have exposure to Sign Language already, there's still a lot of fine-tuning to sign in "pure ASL." But it sounds like, "hey, let's go learn to sign words like 'cat,' and 'house,' and 'school.'"

Then the very next scene Teo and Bay are sitting in English class and the teacher's just up in front of the class signing a mile a minute. There's no voice interpreter for the two hearing kids, their "intro to ASL" class has clearly not helped. Which...just kind of seems like poor planning on the Deaf school's part. "Oh, let's put the hearing students in 'intro to ASL' and then immediately after in the regular Lit class with no support."

Oh man, and then Bay goes to sit down at lunch with Emmett and his group of friends and is all, "waaah why didn't you tell me my signing was so bad?" And Emmett is like, "it's not that bad, babe. I understand your signing." And I'm all, "Jesus Christ Emmett will you please give up your boner for Bay and fucking move on already?"

Limited release

Nothing to say tonight except that you should check this out.

*Sigh* Why are movies like this never available for me to actually watch?

That's just like...your opinion, man

I found this interesting little tidbit earlier today. It's mostly about whether or not women should wear make-up, but also has a bit in it about how people are allowed divergent opinions on things. Which is an interesting mindset.

I sometimes have difficulty with this - the idea that people are entitled to their opinions. It's easy enough when I run into somebody who has different taste in things like media ("Oh, you think 2 Fast 2 Furious was the best movie of all time? That's...different."), but when I encounter people and they're talking about their relationships, it can be difficult sometimes to keep my inner judgement monologue in check.

 
(Also, just for reference, I fucking hate The Breakfast Club, but that's a good gif.)

It's not, "grr why won't you realize the obvious superiority of my relationship format?"

 
It's more...I tend to encounter people who talk about their relationships and are genuinely unhappy about them or in some other way just making shitty generalizations about them. These come in the format where they'll say something they don't like about their relationship, and then just sort of give me a shrug like, "well, what do you expect?" It took me a long time to get used to this - being raised with parents where everything was a problem in their relationship, it was difficult to parse out what exactly was an issue worth throwing away a relationship for, and what was just sort of a minor difference in the way people approach things. Now that I do know the difference a bit better, though, it's even more difficult to listen to people complain about their relationships in the prior sense and not just be...

Very few people come up to me and want to talk about how they went to see a movie or read an entire book but they just didn't really understand the purpose behind the whole thing. People frequently, though, talk about their relationships as though the relationship is this confusing alternate universe where things just don't make sense. Like, they wanted to be in a relationship, right? That's what everyone around them in relationships told them. They saw relationships from the outside and they looked all shiny and awesome, but now that they're in one it just doesn't quite seem as awesome. But it's better than being alone, right? RIGHT?

I had a fantastic Deadjournal entry (yeah, Deadjournal. Want to fight about it?) about this at one point in high school when everybody was freaking out about finding somebody to be in a relationship with. The notion that you just can't be single - that's fucking terrible. Even more terrible is to communicate your actual desires once you're actually in a relationship. Because then the other person might not be into the same things, and you'll wind up single again. It's another one of the inherent dangers when the world is portrayed as nothing but an opportunity for monogamous pair-bonding.

Note: I used a lot of italics in this particular entry. I'm not sure why. I just liked slanty writing, apparently. Or for some reason this entry necessitated more emphasis. Who knows.

Also note: I watched Pitch Perfect tonight. It had a main plot point of the romance story be The Breakfast Club, which made me vomit with rage.

It also had one of those leading man characters who is just fucking adorably perfect the entire time until you want to fucking punch him in the teeth.

 
Like...you could make a drinking game out of how many times he just looks at the main lady character sort of like, "I appreciate your alternative nature."

You'd be fucking plastered by the half hour mark of the movie.

Alternative therapy

Before we begin this blog entry, I'd like to state that I am in no way advocating getting into either poly or BDSM as a sure-fire way to fix your psychological issues. I'm not trying to say that somehow poly or BDSM "fixed" me and I'm now a perfect ball of mental stability at all times. These are just some random observations I've made while thinking about stuff recently.

Poly = openness on other subjects. As we've previously discussed (please turn to the relevant pages of this blog for reference), Now-hubby and I have been poly since the beginning of our relationship. Even before we ever kissed, held hands, anything, I told him, "you can date me, but I'm probably still going to fuck other people." I believe the conversation happened on AIM, because that's what all the cool kids used to talk to each other on their super awesome computers back in my day.

In any case, being open about this aspect of what I wanted made it easier to be honest with Now-hubby about a lot of other things as well. Especially in the early days, we had to hash out exactly how our relationship was going to function. Because we were already spending a lot of time talking about our feelings and trying to honestly express what we wanted, I found it a lot easier to talk to him about my feelings about more general things. For example, that I like to be left alone when I get angry about something. Or that I sometimes say incredibly cutting and malicious things because I un-admittedly want to sabotage things that are going well for me. Or, when I visit parents, to not mistake smiles for actual happiness, and to not press on how I'm actually feeling.

Sessions = dealing with my own emotions. I find this especially when I'm subbing. I've explained it to other people who want a "why" to understand the reason I enjoy BDSM.

 
When I'm subbing, I like the fact that I can push my body to its limits. It's a particular reason I like impact play. The amount of impact/pain my body can actually handle is fascinating, and the mental ability to handle the physical aspects is no less impressive to me. If I'm with a particularly good top, I can get to a point while subbing where my whole mental ability to deal with things will sort of evaporate. At this point I usually start crying. Not because I'm actually hurt or because I'm upset or sad. If I'm with somebody who knows me, they won't stop the session when this happens. (As a favorite Dom of mine once said, "'No' is not your safe word.") They'll recognize that it's just overload for that particular moment - that my brain is working at maximum capacity to deal with what's happening to my body, and it's overwhelming. But in a very, very good way. The best way I can explain this moment is like abject clarity. I've also sometimes cried during orgasm. Again, not because I'm actually hurt or upset about anything. Just because I've reached a point where it becomes impossible for my brain to process my body anymore, and it just goes into release mode. I find this helpful when I'm dealing with something on an emotional level in the real world. There are very few moments in the real world that are as physically taxing as those that happen during sessions, or during orgasm. It's a good emotional guidepost for where my brain has it's limits.

Penny, do you even science?

In which I discuss nerdery. And why in the hell nerds have to fight amongst themselves about the right type of nerdery vs. the not good enough kind. I mean, you're already part of a subculture. Why the infighting and stupid status bullshit? Is it because as part of a subculture you just can't take being accepted, so you have to create drama even within your own community?

It all stems from this morning, when I found a link on twoX about the "fake nerd girl" meme. Which I'll save you all the hours of Google research I did on the topic and just post this picture from the article, which I think is the one that says the most:

Although I'll also link you to albinwonderland's awesome video on the subject. (She has some generally very cool videos in addition to this one, so worth checking out her YouTube channel.)

In any case, the general gist behind the whole meme thing is that "hot" girls can't be nerds. Which I feel as though Kameron's point is especially poignant on that statement. What happens to every awesome but not totally boob-tacular cosplay outfit at cons? Maybe they look just as fucking awesome. Examples to follow.  It's a bit of Rule 63 of the Internet. If you don't give us strong female characters to emulate at cons, we will take male characters and dress up as them because it is better than trying to dress up as the comic industry's ideal of what a woman is and then being mocked because of it.

Yes, I did include two Samus Aran. Because she is fucking awesome. And no, for those of you looking for a fight, I can't name all of the references for the rest of the linked cosplays. But I don't consider myself any less of a "nerd" because of it, so take your rage boners elsewhere.

 
(Special thanks to the German for that particular image.)

So I'll leave you with this, because I always love throwing in semi-related articles at the end of my blogs. Prost.

Shrinking Violet

So, Frisbee and I went out to dinner yesterday and I got this drink thing where the rim of the glass had been lined with strawberry Pop Rocks. It was pretty cool, and also came with another little shot glass of Pop Rocks which the waiter person advised me I could put in the drink if I wanted, but to be careful about it because the last time he did that the drink sort of exploded and got all over people. So, with that in mind I was a bit trepidatious about putting the extra Pop Rocks into the drink. The waiter person came back and told me to "man up" about it.

I'm generally not a person who fights the use of language. The German and I talked a little bit about this, the idea behind actual word etymology and the way that some people have taken words out of context so they can be offended by them. One of my favorite examples is the idea from some people that I can't use the word "straight" when giving directions, because "straight" implies "heterosexual" and is therefore heteronormative. I'm supposed to say "forward" instead. That's total bullshit. For some reason, though, the idea that I was supposed to "man up" about the Pop Rocks kind of pissed me off. And ultimately led to me brainstorming ways that I could be even more hardcore with the Pop Rocks than waiter person had ever even considered. Pouring them out onto the table, cutting lines and then snorting them? A definite possibility.

I found this decent article on the origin of the phrase "man up." And then this little piece on how it sort of sucks that there's not a female equivalent for the phrase. Although "man" is another word that I fight on usage with people because the etymology behind it is tricky, in this instance I feel like the meaning is strictly "man" as in "one with a penis." Which, I don't need a penis in order to throw a shot glass of Pop Rocks into an alcoholic drink. Even if addressed to men - i.e. if for some reason Frisbee had the drink with Pop Rocks and the waiter person had told him to "man up" about it, the shitty gender implication is still there.

I never really did understand the whole concept behind women supposed to be these meek and unassuming individuals while men got to do awesome things like throw shot glasses of Pop Rocks into their drinks. Even before I was doing the whole Mistress thing, I was a fairly outspoken lady. I didn't really ascribe to the shoulds about how I was supposed to act. I mean, in regards to general social niceties, sure. But in regards to, "oh, you shouldn't do that/like that/think that way because you're a lady?" That's crap.

To illustrate: Now-hubby and I were watching Freaks and Geeks recently, and there's this episode where the kids are going out to buy fake IDs. To those of you who have never seen the show, the only context you need for the rest of this rant is that Lindsay and Nick are two characters who are dating. They go to get fake IDs, and the guy making them starts hitting on Lindsay. She says no thanks, and the fake ID guy persists. Which then Nick steps in all, "hey, man, that's my girlfriend." Which...why isn't it the fake ID guy getting called out for his shitty behavior? The general social nicety thing where a person's said no and you should respect that and back the fuck off. Instead Lindsay's getting protected like she can't handle her own business? It reinforces the power balance that somehow she's lesser than either other person in the scene just because she's a woman. The fake ID guy ignores the fact that she's clearly indicated disinterest in his advances, and then Nick steps in and instead of being like, "hey bro that's a crappy way to treat somebody" goes for the, "respect her because I have some form of social ownership of her"?

Anyway. I'll leave you all with this amusing and semi-related fantastic gif set. And since the James Deen dildo is fast becoming boyfriend thing number 4 (seriously, the orgasms I have with that thing are off the fucking charts), and since Cracked is pretty funny sometimes, also this.

ABCs

Hello, denizens. I have just returned from a fantastic week-long trip to Germany. Mostly to visit the German, which was awesome and great and lots of other adjectives that just mean "happy glowy cuddle times." I am awake right now (around 6:30am), but we'll see how the time difference wants to play it's evil games with me and how long I'll actually wind up staying awake. It depends on how long it takes me to catch up on all my tumblr thingies and webcomic stuff that I missed out on for a week because I was too busy cuddling and making out with the German. No complaints, I would have rather been doing the latter anyway. Hurr hurr "doing the latter." I'm going to blame that one on the fact that I'm up rather early and not on the fact that I'm an incomparably immature individual.

And, yes. In case you were wondering, I am eating a brownie for breakfast right now. Because it's delicious, that's why.

Perhaps at some later time when I am not quite so loopy I will regale you all with tales of my travels. But for now, I will leave you with dick bees. Because it's hilarious, that's why.