Thursday, January 7, 2016

Give up hope

Remember those people I keep in touch with on Facebook? Well, today my timeline vomited out this spectacular gem of a relationship advice article: 5 reasons marriage doesn't work anymore.

Strap in, dear readers. This one has it all. 

We'll start with the myriad of other articles just like this one that already exist in the world. You've seen them around. Some neatly compiled list of seemingly no-brainer bullshit on ways to behave if you want to find that one twu wuv everybody's supposed to be striving for. And yet there's only two types of authors that wind up writing lists like this. 1. Those who have managed to find their twu wuv and want to regale us with how to be just as blissfully happy. 2. Those who are in the middle of a breakup and want to warn us what to avoid. 

The author of this particular list is the second variety. Been married for about 11 years, then...I dunno. Shit happened. It's difficult from his article to pin down exactly why he decided to get a divorce, but I think the point is for us not to know. Because, everybody, this article is totally not about the author's marriage at all. It's about how fucking everybody in their mid- to late 20's is completely incapable of being married. This list has absolutely nothing to do with petty arguments the author used to get in with his wife. Don't worry, this is made very clear by excessive use of the royal "we." We're all fuck-ups. We're all doomed.

Immediately, people will assume that my failed marriage is why I am expressing these emotions; that's not the case. It's what I see around me every single day that inspired me to write this article.

Just a thought. Bear with me here. If you're really concerned about people getting the wrong impression, maybe put this disclaimer at the beginning of your article, and not as one of the final paragraphs, which is where I'm pulling it from.

Anyway. Let's skip back to the beginning and figure out why we all suck so much.

Back when I met my ex-wife in 2004, things were just so different.

Different how? Did they both have 3 extra arms that they had to have surgically removed? Was the world covered with a giant sheet of ice that has just in the past few years started to melt?

Nah. He's just talking about how people can text each other now instead of having to make a phone call. 

Oh, and how he used to have to drive over to her house if he wanted to talk to her. If physical distance was that important to his romantic inclinations, I wonder why they didn't remain in separate houses even after getting married. You can't drive to her house if you live in the same house, silly goose! Maybe invest in a go-cart so you can drive that from kitchen to bedroom. Rekindle the romance.

"When we met things were different." No shit, Sherlock. If you're not the kind of person that can handle change and the passage of time maybe instead of a church just hold your ceremony in a sealed time capsule.

1. Sex becomes almost non-existent.

It's a chicken and the egg argument when it comes to sexual imbalance within relationships. Where does the problem actually lie? r/DeadBedrooms is an entire community conducting conversations on why one person doesn't want to bang as often as the other person in the partnership does. It's one of the greatest caveats about monogamous relationships - the idea that exclusivity equals homogeneity. I think it's possible for two people to have complimentary sex drives and similar ideals as far as the performance frequency of sexual acts is concerned. I also think it's possible for people's sex drives and interest in assorted sexual acts to vary over time, and that it's ridiculous to expect any other person to be able to inimitably match every change. As for how long people withstand that mismatch, or how they decide to address it when it happens, that's completely up to them. None of my business.

It's not just boredom that stops sex from happening. Everywhere you look, there's pictures of men and women we know half naked - some look better than your husband or wife. So it becomes desirable. It's in your face every single day and changes your mindset. 

Everywhere you look.

I hate this rhetoric so much. "Better" is such a subjective judgement. It implies some sort of "most sexy" award that's constantly changing and dependent on the whims and preferred aesthetic of the person deciding it.

It's like telling someone you'll take them out to a restaurant but they can't order food. 

He's making a comparison to being married but not getting laid as often as you'd like. It's the most disgusting line in the entire article.

Reason 2 is because we're so much poorer now. I don't have too much to say about this section. The author does mention in the beginning of this article that figuring out why marriages fail is the "million dollar question," though, so I'm fairly certain by writing down these 5 clarifying traits he's doing a lot better financially.

Reason 3 is the future.

You told your wife you made dinner reservations...through a text message. Your husband had flowers delivered to your job...through an app on his phone. You both searched for furnishings for your new home...on Pinterest.

All of these romantic gestures are inherently less romantic because they've been accomplished with the help of technology. Fuck you and your robot flowers.

Somehow, we've learned to get offended by text on a screen, accusing others of being "angry" or "sad" when, in fact, we have no idea what they are feeling. We argue about this - at length.

Again, remember. He didn't argue about this. We do.

You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary? Because they weren't scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner.

Your grandparents have always been 80, and they've always been holding hands on the couch at Christmas. They exist solely so you can cut eyes at your partner who's too busy on social media to truly love you.

Reason 4 is because his wife bought a bunch of shit she couldn't afford and then posted on social media about it.

My bad. We did that.

5. Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.

The hedonist in me has absolutely nothing negative to say about this.

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