Representation

Bearing in mind my previous pronouncement of how little of a comic book nerd I am, this evening I happened across an episode of Fresh Air on my way home from frisbee that was all about Wonder Woman. More specifically about the creator of Wonder Woman, Moulton Marston. There's apparently a lady who has written a book about "The Secret History" of Wonder Woman (spoilers: the creator was in a poly relationship and may have also been into BDSM).

Also disclaimer: I didn't hear the entire show. I tuned in after browsing stations on the radio and hearing something about bondage, so I stayed on the station. I'd read a fair amount about Marston before, so once I figured out the interview was about him, I was even more intrigued about what they were going to talk about.

Overall, I was extremely unimpressed. Firstly, that the entire bondage angle was interpreted as an homage to suffragettes. Which I hate to get all high school Literature teacher about, but only looks at the very obvious correlations between what Marston was doing and similar illustrations of suffragettes breaking free of the "chains" of male supremacy. Wonder Woman's main weapon was a lasso. Which she trapped villains with and also had the power to make people tell the truth once they were tied up. No matter how many times Wonder Woman broke free of a situation where she was bound, her entire offensive strategy depended on binding others and then making them be honest. Bondage wasn't something used against Wonder Woman to show how she repeatedly broke free from evildoers (i.e. the patriarchy) as much as bondage was used by Wonder Woman to sustain the greater good and make otherwise deceitful people tell the truth.

I also took serious issue with Terry Gross's approach to the fact that Marston lived with both a wife and a mistress. Her question was framed more as a criticism - that Marston couldn't have really been a feminist and advocate for women's rights if he was romantically involved with two women at the same time. I don't remember the episode directly to quote it, but something about wouldn't it be more respectful if both women had a single husband they could devote their love to? And wasn't Marston enforcing his male supremacy by having two female partners at the same time? Despite the fact that Marston's mistress was the granddaughter of one of the founders of Planned Parenthood and would possibly be intelligent enough to enter a relationship where she felt respected and loved. Despite also that both women stayed together after Marston's death and that Marston's children are on record saying how loving and supportive the relationship between all three of their parents was. Both of these points were brought up by the author in response to the question, and are apparently focused on in the book. It would have been very easy to start the discussion about Marston's family on a more positive note instead of the challenge that it's not possible to be a feminist and also be in a poly-oriented relationship.

Maybe I'm not the only one

As promised, here is an update on how one of the sexytimes parties I went to was. (Side note before we begin, if you've never checked out Digitally Imported, I recommend doing so. I've been grooving to tunes there for about 11 years, and the way the site's evolved over time is fucking crazy. The tunes are still amazing. It's a bit like Pandora where you can listen for free if you don't mind ads every now and then, but you can also pay for an account if you want just music.)

Here's all the scintillating details for y'all.

I showed up fairly early (the party started at 8, I was in the door at about 7:45). Two reasons for this. 1. I'd never been to the location before and I sometimes have amazingly bad luck finding new places, so I wanted to give myself extra time to circle around a neighborhood awkwardly staring at house numbers if I needed to. 2. If I'm new to a location/group of people, I like to be able to sort of establish the space before it gets overwhelming crowded.

For those who are interested, this is the group that hosted. The group has an advertised bi-friendly emphasis, which is pretty rare in my experience. Especially with both male and female bisexuality being welcomed.

General impressions: there was a little bit of everything, which made this party really fun. I'd list it on the whole as a swinger party. (Maybe at some point in the future I'll do an entry on my criteria for what establishes one type of party from another - I'm pretty categorical as a fault.) This was one of the better ones I've been to. They had things set up really well, with a social/dance area, two sort of more "open" play spaces, and then one room designated as "couples only," if people wanted more privacy.

Although almost half the people in attendance had absolutely no idea what I was dressed up as (it was a Halloween/costume party). Disappoint.

(Note: that is not actually me in that picture.)

I  had heard about this particular party through a couple I know from the gang bangs. There were a few especially enjoyable moments during the party where I had an opportunity to play with them. Fingering her/fucking her with the Feeldoe while she sucked him off, riding his face while she sucked his cock, getting fucked by him with my face buried in her pussy. Really just getting an opportunity to feel another woman's vaginal muscles clench around my fingers - that's one of my favorite things.

I especially appreciated having people I had previously played with at the party because it eliminated that incredibly awkward "let's have small-talk conversation until one of us initiates sexytimes" thing that can happen. The majority of swinger parties I've been to have this initial sort of middle-school dance feel to them (well, except everybody at swinger parties is usually old enough to actually drink, whereas in middle school you were just sneaking the booze under the radar). Everybody just mills around, sipping from their solo cups and making conversation like, "How long have you been in the lifestyle? How long have you and your partner been together? How did you find out about this party?" Usually once everybody's properly inebriated (usually about two to three hours into the party), the clothes start coming off and things actually kick off. This isn't necessarily a judgement call, as I've been told some people attend swinger parties just to hang out with like-minded individuals and have conversation. Personally, I like attending parties because I like connecting with new, interesting people. And one of my favorite ways of connecting with people I find interesting is in a sexual manner. So I'm usually the one, if I'm interested in somebody, who will abruptly derail a conversation to say something like, "Would you like to go see how it feels to have my mouth around your dick?"

Which, of course, brings me to the men at the party. I haven't yet written an entry about the "single male problem," because that could prospectively take an entire lifetime to appropriately discuss. Let me just briefly say that, in my experience, men at swinger parties (whether coupled or single) aren't all that different from men I encounter everyday. At this particular party, I met a fantastic guy who was new to the lifestyle and had a really great time talking to him about the different varieties of things we've seen. There was an incredibly sweet moment where he agreed to put my shoes on and lace them for me, sitting on a pillow on the floor and then french kissing me afterward. We spent a good amount of time afterwards talking about how things like that don't necessarily have to be a sub/Domme dynamic, but can still be incredibly fun.

Shoes I was wearing, for reference:

I also met a great guy who was on the sidelines when I was using my Feeldoe the first time, and later approached me and asked if I'd be willing to peg him with it. Direct requests on sexual fantasies gives me a raging hard-on. I had a fantastic time fingering his asshole and then fucking him while he was on his back, grabbing onto my shoulders to pull me deeper. We finished that session with him climbing on top of me (sans Feeldoe) and jerking off onto my tits. Fantastic time.

On the other side, there was the guy who assumed because he had cornered me earlier in the party to talk my ear off about the minutiae of his life meant that he was allowed to come up later after I left the couples only room and grope me while telling me how sexy he thought I was. I'm pretty proud of myself for in that moment saying, "please don't touch me," because there have been times in the past where I would have let it happen because nakedness and sexy atmosphere and he's just trying to be complimentary.

There was also the guy who came up to me in the kitchen and told me I didn't sound enthusiastic enough about having a good time. Because male opinion on how you're supposed to be acting, looking, or feeling is always necessary and appreciated.

All in all, 10/10 would attend again. Stay tuned next weekend for details on the next party! 

Watchu looking at?

In my general travels through alternative sexuality, "male gaze" is something that comes up periodically.

In my copious amounts of spare time (read: when stuck in traffic during my commute to or from work, or usually just before I'm about to go to sleep), I have this great hobby of analyzing things to the point of absurdity. Usually winding up saying to myself, "why the fuck do you care so much about this?" and then scratching the whole thing.

I got into one of these analysis overdrives a few days ago about femdom porn and the male gaze - whether all the vinyl and high heels are just the male gaze subtly enforcing itself even from a submissive stand-point. True to form, I spent a few hours having a little debate about the whole thing with myself in my head, and then ended it with, "you know what? If it makes the people participating feel good, it doesn't really matter."

There have been situations, though, where I've been acutely aware of how much the people involved aren't liking what they're doing in a sexytimes situation. And it's difficult to separate those instances from the male gaze, because there are two particular ones that I encounter fairly regularly.

1. The woman who's doing an MFF threesome as some sort of obligation to her male partner.

2. The woman who's brought to a gang bang party because it's a fantasy of her male partner for her to participate.

In both cases, it's apparent usually from the very beginning that the woman's not into it. Either they go completely dead fish or, in a sort of "if you can't beat 'em" fashion, get ultra-porny. They're participating to appease a male perspective of what's "hot" and not out of any actual interest of their own. If I'm being completely shitty and stereotypical, these women are easy to pick out because they wear the same suffering expression sitcom men put on when forced to watch a "chick flick" or hang out in anything remotely resembling a retail establishment that sells women's apparel.

Moral of the story? If it makes you happy to participate in something sexy, go ahead and do it. If it doesn't make you happy, there's no obligation for you to participate. (Side note for all those fucking "we're open but only as long as we always play as a couple" couples: If you want to participate in something sexy that will make you happy but will make your partner unhappy, please stop dragging them into it anyway. You will survive doing something fun and sexy without your significant other there the entire time. I promise.)

Updates and stuff

So, Friday night Now-hubby discovered I have never seen any of the Indiana Jones movies.

We spent last night watching Raiders and will probably wind up watching Last Crusade sometime today. I'm not sure if I took away exactly what Now-hubby was hoping for from the film, but it was still fun to cuddle up with him and watch something he enjoys. Even if I had to suspend disbelief on how a Nazi got a completely perfect image of a medallion burned into his hand just by picking it up while it was hot. (Also, how they didn't immediately notice it sitting on the table when they walked into the bar. "Hi, I'm looking for a giant fucking bronze circle. Sort of like that one that's hanging obviously off the centerpiece on that table over there.")

Frisbee and I have been gradually getting accustomed to actually living together. I'm loathe to measure relationships by lapse of time - for me, there's always an equability with prison sentences when people measure their relationships based on how long they've been together. Let's just say there was a period of time where Frisbee and I saw each other maximum of two days out of the week, and now we see each other every day of the week, which is super nice. There's also, though, the inevitable jesus christ this is really who I am every day of the week realization that I'll just let Carrie sum up for me.

So far I would like to give myself kudos for being able to rationally express what I'm feeling (if not always right in the moment, at least a bit later when I've had a chance to think about things), and kudos for Frisbee for being a really understanding and amazing human being. Here's to it maybe continuing to be awesome.

In the next few weeks, I'll be attending a few Halloween/sexytimes parties, so stay tuned for exciting updates as to how those go. One of them is with a group I know and have been to parties with before, so I'm excited for it. (Not so excited to drive into Michigan early the next day for a family event, but that's what energy drinks were invented for.) The other party is more of a question mark, but it's always fun to try new things and then come here and write about them.