Stick 'em with the pointy end

Because who doesn't like a Game of Thrones reference for an entry that's really going to be all about dicks?

Ah, Renly. I know your house sigil is the stag, but seriously you might as well be wearing one of those bachelorette crowns that has little pastel penises on it.

So, yes. Actual topic.

I went to a rather pleasant play party this past Saturday. Hosted by podcast guy and involving 17 or so other very sexy people. I got an opportunity at the party to have sex with a gentleman I've been crushing on since meeting him at a UFC get-together thing I went to with podcast guy. Aforementioned gentleman turned out to have a dick that literally bent back up to his belly button. Of all the dicks I've encountered in my travels, this is the first one I've seen with that particular bend. It was...incredible. Especially when I was on top.

I bring this up because of course I don't want to just tell you what a fantastically sexy evening I had riding a new cute guy, but also because I want to discuss theory!

I've also recently finished What Women Want by David Bergner. In which "parental investment theory" gets brought up briefly. tl;dr on parental investment theory: women hold out sex because it takes a lot of work to raise babies, and they want to make sure they've got a mate who will stay with them through that process before they're willing to "invest" in a sexual relationship. Conversely, men want to pass on their genes and so are looking for any and every available vagina in which to pump their seed. Bergner's not a fan of the theory, and presents some really good "correlation not equaling causation" information to dispute it. The rest of the book is also fairly interesting, if you're looking for something to read.

Parental investment theory got me thinking about all the speculation behind why the human male's penis is shaped the way it is. (There's bits about this in Sex at Dawn, also in the aptly named Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?) tl;dr on dick shape: human males evolved this "plunger" shaped dick because, if the woman the guy's having sex with has also previously had sex with some other dude, the shape of the penis will help "plunge" the other dude's sperm out of the vagina. Thus, second dude's sperm gets a better chance at finding the egg. Bada-bing, bada-boom, better chance of passing on those genes, second dude.

They're not entirely related, but they belong together under the umbrella that is sexuality research. This is why I love reading about and learning about sex. Parental investment theory falls apart if you consider things like the availability of birth control. The whole penis shaped thing is fascinating, because it seems like an almost freak evolutionary adaptation that somehow's worked out for humans. Bergner's got some really interesting ideas about how the great majority of sex studies are inherently flawed because they take place in clinical research settings, and not in naturally occurring circumstances. Also that human beings are the only species able to completely misinterpret and misrepresent their own libidos, so even questionnaire based studies are highly suspect.

At the end of the day, having sex is pretty awesome. Learning lots about sex? Also very awesome. Keep it real, nerds.

The internet is for...

For those unacquainted with Avenue Q, I'll give you a brief respite here at the beginning to go check it out. You don't have to watch the entire thing before coming back to this entry, but you should at least listen to the song I'm referencing in the title. Here, I'll even do the work for you.

Then you should also check out, "Everybody's a Little Bit Racist," and "If You Were Gay," because both of those songs are hilarious too. Although not relevant to this blog entry, so just put them on your queue for later.

I was celebrating 420 this past Sunday, and as I tend to do once I have hoovered all the snacks, I was browsing porn to do some bean flicking.

Did you know that on PornHub alone there are 60 different categories of videos you can watch? (Go ahead, check my math. I'll wait.) I find that absolutely fascinating. There's a lot of discussion out there about porn. I'd put myself, on the spectrum of "anti-porn" to "pro-porn" somewhere on the pro side. Is it demeaning to women? Sometimes. Does it set unrealistic ideals when it comes to sex? Yes. My three biggest complaints (everything of course having to come in threes, you know): The frequency and utter fakery that are women's orgasms in the majority of porn, the fact that there's rarely "set-up" shown for a scene (use of lube for anal being a big one), and the lack of condoms. That last one I could sort of argue for and against, but at the end of everything I think making condoms a "norm" for sexual activity isn't a terrible idea at all.

However, those critiques notwithstanding, I think overall it's fucking fantastic to have such a gigantic variety of porn available. Know exactly what you're looking for? You can find it somewhere. Not really sure what you're into? Click around in the categories and find something that gets your gears turning. That's a positive for me that people can experiment and find things. Sure, it's maybe not the most realistic portrayal of what that given sexual activity will actually be like, but it's at least out there to find. I only hold out hope that people go past some 3 minute clip online (don't lie, even if the video's 10 minutes you're only really watching 3 minutes of it) to actually learn and communicate about said sexual activity. That's where the actual fun starts.

32 flavors and then some

I got a very odd compliment this evening at the gang bang party. One of the gentlemen told me, "you handle a dick like you have one."

For the past three months, I've been working "on staff" at the parties instead of actually participating (i.e. fucking) at them. I've realized a few things. Mostly that I am complete shit at being a voyeur. I can only watch other people have sex for about...3 minutes before I start busting out in laughter and need to leave. I don't know what it is exactly, but something about the way people's bodies move, the type of faces they make...it's just hilarious to watch. It doesn't really turn me on in the slightest. However, hearing other people have sex is totally hot and awesome for me. Go fig.

I've also realized the complete and utter variability of human sex. I understood this a bit when I was participating at the parties. With thirty guys, there was a lot of variance in cock size, general stamina, etc. I understood variability also because I like talking with people about sex in general. I like asking questions about preferences and kinks. Everybody is different, and it's fascinating. With being an observer at the parties, I get to see exactly how different every person is when it comes to sex. The way they orgasm, the faces they make while they're fucking, the motions their bodies go through.

With so much available in one concentrated place like the gang bang, I get an interesting cross-section of what people are into. And the reassuring thing is that there's something out there for everybody. I say "something" instead of "someone" because fuck the noise about one true love. But it's possible to find at least one person in this world who will be into that thing you like. There was a woman at the party tonight who was a pretty significant squirter (gusher would be a more appropriate term), and for every guy who made an "ick" face when it happened, there was another guy who was grinning ear to ear. The parties have consistently reinforced for me how incredibly amazing it is to stay open to possibilities.

Strength of Ten Regular Men

Now-hubby and I enjoyed some very sexy anal tonight. (Me as receiver, just to clarify for those trying to picture it in your minds. I see who you are, pervs.)

Then I enjoyed several minutes of decidedly un-sexy period cramping. I hope you all got your jones (or jillies) off thinking about me doing butt stuff already, because now this entry's taking a turn. Also, for those of you legitimately concerned, I'm much better now. About 10 minutes of not being able to move and feeling like my uterus was going to rip out of my stomach Aliens style, but then a heating pad and some Ibuprofen have made things much more manageable.

I loved being on the pill. It was easy to remember, it made my periods super regular, and it actually evened me out a bit emotionally. The IUD is a pretty fantastic non-hormonal option, but I am seriously less than pleased with the amount of cramping and general mental insanity that has re-entered my life. You see that last entry? The one where I got all Carrie Bradshaw at the end and started asking rhetorical questions?

Blame that one on the few days before my period is supposed to start, and how mentally unstable those few days are for me. Like...almost literally will cry at the drop of a hat. Second-guess everything until my brain spins.

Generally, I don't like the "women are weird because of biology" stuff that gets floated around as actual fact. Sometimes, though, there's nuggets of truth in there. Maybe once my uterus stops being so mad at me for yet again not putting a baby in it (suck it, uterus!) I'll be back to more intellectually balanced entries.

See Right Through You

Sometimes I get inside my own head about the people I'm having sex with and whether or not they "like" me.

It's influenced partly by the standard narrative that sex is supposed to mean something; that its sort of an eventual end goal that you reach once you've done all the other relationship-y type stuff so you've got some sort of connection with the other person way before your genitals connect. It's also influenced by approval-seeking mental business that I wish I could shut up.

This sometimes vaguely affects people like Now-hubby, Frisbee, or The German. I'm guilty of lack of confidence and security within those relationships, but I can typically get over it with some reassurance that what we have is significant and important in some way. This high school, "do they like me?" business applies more to people I've only just met, or to people I've had sex with before establishing any other type of connection (i.e. guys at the gang bang). Say...I've fucked somebody at the gang bang and then later during a break we get in a discussion about Rufus Wainwright or Doctor Who or any of those usual things that on a "normal" date I'd be all..."wow, this sort of makes you a cool person." 

And then on a normal date I'd like to touch genitals with that cool person. But in the context of casual sex we've already touched genitals, so there's no established train of events because we've already skipped a few stops. There's no such thing as transparent emotions, either. Is it bad form after sex to ask, "what do I mean to you?"