Sunday, January 5, 2014

Putting Humpty back together again

I spent my New Years Eve being upset at both Now-hubby and Frisbee. For completely separate reasons. I almost stayed home rather than go to Now-hubby's family New Years party, and I spent a good deal of time after midnight crying on the phone with Frisbee.

When I get angry or unhappy I extend a great deal of energy on not letting the emotion out. And a great deal of energy internally being even more angry at myself for even getting angry in the first place. Gotta love cyclical, bullshit emotional stuff.

I've gotten a lot better about not being outwardly violent when I get upset, but there's still some internal violence that happens, and I need varying amounts of time to get through that before I can approach the original feeling and talk about it like a rational adult.

Case in point: This time around it's taken me about an entire week to really feel like things are "better" in any measurable capacity. This time has been spent doing a lot of communication (what those in the poly world might call "processing") with both of the boys. I feel incredibly grateful to have found two people who can handle this crazy, idiosyncratic thing about me and my feelings and love me anyway.

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