Monday, March 18, 2013

Oh ye of little faith

One of my coworkers is getting married soon, and because it's important to her family, she's doing a strict Catholic ceremony. Which means she has to take classes before they'll allow her to get married in the church. We're not talking like, "this is how you walk down the aisle without tripping" classes. We're talking, "what does God think about these things that are going to be happening in your marriage?" classes. As far as I've gathered, God hates a lot of things that might happen in your marriage, but he hates them slightly less than if you did them as a single person. For example, taking birth control when you're married is a bad thing because it means you're not fulfilling God's wishes to have more babies. But at least you can sort of mete out the blame with your husband, because as head of your household he's the one that allowed you to take birth control anyway. If you take birth control as a single lady, it's even worse because:

1. You've made a decision for yourself. In regards to your reproductive "duty" (hurr hurr duty).

2. Said decision probably means that you are having premarital sex. Which, as everyone knows, is the worst form of sex ever.

3. Once you've experienced the possibility of not having a baby, you may never want a baby. Even if you do get married and your husband wants you to have one. Why do you hate babies so much? Why?

In a completely unrelated Internet search this weekend, I came across this website called Christian Nymphos. not as completely stupid as it sounds. And that's a fucking ringing endorsement coming from me. Honestly, I just like a place where I can find "Anal Sex" just above "Biblical Studies" in the Categories section. Spoiler alert: Does God hate anal sex? Only if you're teh gayz. But as long as you've got opposing genitals and a ring on it:

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