Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Topping from the bottom

First, fantastic news for me that I am off of the blood thinners completely! (Hubby and I are celebrating with Chipotle and some champagne.)

So this brings up for me an idea of finally getting back into the sub space that I was comfortable with before starting the medication 6 months ago. And it's a nice idea.

So for those that are interested, here's my little history in the "scene."

I got into the scene because I liked sex. That's really the long story short of the entire thing. A woman I met my freshman year of college was into BDSM. I was into having sex with her. I want to make it very clear that I am not the type of person who changes themselves in order to have a "relationship" with people. I didn't fundamentally change who I was in order to be with this woman. BDSM was not forced upon me as some ultimatum. The first time I met this woman she invited me to an oil wrestling party at her apartment. That night when I slept in her bed with her she held my hands above my head and bit my nipples and I thought, "okay, not so bad, really." After about a month when she took me to my first BDSM club and I volunteered to be strapped to a St. Andrews cross and she flogged me I found myself really, really liking that.

This was also my introduction into being a bratty bottom, and to the idea that I didn't really feel pain. I knew a bit about the pain thing as I already had 3 tattoos, and all of them had been more of an "mmm" than an "ouch" experience for me. When I felt the flogger hit my bare skin, it didn't hurt. It was more of a test. Could I take this and survive? I found myself answering that I could definitely take it. Actually, I could take much more. So when she came around the cross to check on me, I asked, "is that all?"

In further explorations as a bottom, this began to be a problem. Things just don't hurt. Even when they do, it's not in a way that I want it to stop. It's more in a way that I want it to go as far as it possibly can until I am crying; sobbing with the physical strength that my body can show. Even when I'm healing, when the bruises are purple and tender, I don't hurt. This hasn't happened since beginning the blood thinners, as I've had to be extra careful about bruising, etc. Being off the blood thinners means I can get back to the type of play that I am really into, which is the 0-60 WHAM fucking hit me type of play.

It's been frustrating to not be as sassy as I would like to be, to be hit as hard as I'd like to be in response to that sass.

As they say. Let the games begin.

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