Sunday, September 18, 2016

Willful Girl Talks it Out

The school year is officially back in full swing again. When my department got together on the first day to discuss our schedule and expectations for the year, we started the meeting by sharing one word that best described our summers. My word was: over.

Which is not to say that my summer wasn't any other adjective, verb, or noun that I could have said instead. Once I got through with Summer School, I traveled down to America's penis (Florida) to spend some time with my best of all best friends. Devoted three days of the trip to losing my damn nerd mind at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

After just enough time at home to do laundry and re-pack my suitcase, Frisbee and I gathered our passports and headed to the international side of the airport for a week-long trip across the Atlantic. 

We got back stateside, I had one day to sleep off the jet lag, and then it was back to school. Granted, teachers etc. were back on Thursday and students didn't start back until the following Monday. Which means I had an entire weekend to try and get myself over what has become known as capital-T Thursday. The day Now-hubby and I blew ourselves up over bad timing regarding a possible emotionally significant advancement in his other relationship. If the context two sentences ago wasn't enough of a clue, no, I'm still not over it.

Now-hubby and I have both been in other romantic, emotionally significant relationships since we've been together. Despite me being the nonmonogamy instigator, Now-hubby's the one who handles it better. He approaches everything from a perspective of loving me and wanting me to be happy, whereas I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For fuck's sake, Now-hubby helped me clear out our extra room when Frisbee was moving in. And I'm consistently waiting for the moment when  Now-hubby (or any of my partners, really) is going to look over and say, "this nonmonogamy thing is too hard and you're not worth the effort." Or even worse: "Things in this other relationship are going so well I've decided I'd rather be there instead of with you." Again, this is one of those hilariously fun things that's carried over from the way people who supposedly cared about me have treated me in the past. I am getting better about my turn-around - getting faster at shutting down those internal voices and better about asking for what I need in moments I feel vulnerable. 

Which doesn't at all mean that moments like capital-T Thursday don't still happen and knock me right back on my emotionally unstable ass. It's been just under a month of mental examination, conversations with my best friend, and trying to get back to my version of "normal."

Hence, Willful Girl returns to the therapist's office. Similar to the first time, it's in deference to Now-hubby recognizing that there's a problem. Contrastingly, Now-hubby's coming with me and we're talking things through together. Bless that man and his willingness to be there for me. 

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