Here's another article about hook-up culture, for those of you who are intersted.
I've got nothing else to say today. :p
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Good for you
Another typical reaction I get when I explain poly to people is one that takes a bit more self-assurance to deal with. The whole "phase" thing is fine because it's not directly calling me out - it's just kind of a misinterpretation of how poly actually works for me. This other reaction comes off almost like an attack. It's the, "poly is not in the best interest of the people you're with" reaction.
I'll break it down a bit more and give a direct example. Let's say I've just told a person I'm poly. Generally we go through the whole gamut of the history behind when I decided to be poly, how exactly I structure my relationship, etc. etc. Then the person will say something along the lines of, "doesn't Now-hubby/Frisbee/The German know that eventually you're just going to decide to lie or leave them?" It ties in a bit with the idea of poly being a phase - that at some point I'm going to like...pick a winner and then dump the other two.
It's sort of looking at things from an overcompensation angle. I formulate my relationships on a premise of honesty and agreement, so this must mean that I'm keeping even bigger, scarier secrets from everybody that will be even more emotionally crushing if we ever break up.
Which is not to say that this reaction doesn't hang out in my brain and sometimes get to me. It's a difficult one to deal with, and I'll sometimes find myself asking Now-hubby or Frisbee if they're really sure they want to take the extra effort that being in a poly relationship entails. From my end, I'm willing to negotiate a schedule or discuss arrangements if either of them found themselves in another serious or even casual relationship with somebody. It can get a bit overwhelming, though, that they're all willing to do the same for me. I'm incredibly grateful for that.
I'll break it down a bit more and give a direct example. Let's say I've just told a person I'm poly. Generally we go through the whole gamut of the history behind when I decided to be poly, how exactly I structure my relationship, etc. etc. Then the person will say something along the lines of, "doesn't Now-hubby/Frisbee/The German know that eventually you're just going to decide to lie or leave them?" It ties in a bit with the idea of poly being a phase - that at some point I'm going to like...pick a winner and then dump the other two.
It's sort of looking at things from an overcompensation angle. I formulate my relationships on a premise of honesty and agreement, so this must mean that I'm keeping even bigger, scarier secrets from everybody that will be even more emotionally crushing if we ever break up.
Which is not to say that this reaction doesn't hang out in my brain and sometimes get to me. It's a difficult one to deal with, and I'll sometimes find myself asking Now-hubby or Frisbee if they're really sure they want to take the extra effort that being in a poly relationship entails. From my end, I'm willing to negotiate a schedule or discuss arrangements if either of them found themselves in another serious or even casual relationship with somebody. It can get a bit overwhelming, though, that they're all willing to do the same for me. I'm incredibly grateful for that.
Set phasers to stun
People typically have the same things to say/the same questions to ask when I explain about being poly. It's actually quite handy, because it allows me to have sort of an answer script ready. Not that I have the exact answer that people are looking for, but it takes a lot of pressure off my end of the conversation because I can have the reply ready before the other person's done talking.
One of the more common topics covered is the idea that the whole thing is just a "phase" I'm going through. I get this one a lot also when I'm answering questions about being queer, although less in the sense that I just haven't found the "one", and more in the sense that I haven't found the "one set of genitals" that I'm actually attracted to. I do believe the two are slightly related, and both come from the mindset that I'm supposed to find a singularity and stick with it for the rest of my days.
The problem that I have with the "phase" mindset is it discounts any type of experience one's had before "settling," as it were. I've found it a lot in monogamous relationships as well where it's as though they don't or can't talk about previous sexual encounters before the two of them were together. Which is pretty silly, to me. Polyamory Weekly did a great podcast back in January about dealing with jealousy, and they made the analogy of how you need to practice dealing with jealousy just like you would practice getting better at the piano. Which is not to say that you practice dealing with jealousy by learning to play the piano - that the two are somehow tied together. It's the idea that just as somebody who is really good at the piano had to work to get that good, so people who deal with jealousy well had to work really hard to get to a point where jealousy doesn't destroy them anymore. I think the same hold true with sex. I mean, I'm sure there are those prodigy cases where the first time somebody has sex they are just fucking awesome at it.
But for the rest of us the first time is usually not all that smooth.
Sex takes practice to get good at, just like anything else. If you do really good practice regularly, then you'll get really good. But if you start out with the wrong way to do something, and then you only practice that wrong way, you don't get any better.
"Phases" of sexual identification is a weird way to put it. You can qualify it as a time period, and less of a conscious decision. It's like saying people who wait to have sex before they're married are just going through the "phase" of not having sex. Not that they've actively decided that they want to format their sexual relationships in a specific way regardless of whether or not they have a partner. It's the same regardless of the relationship format chosen. It's an active decision of a way to live a lifestyle, and maybe that decision will be reevaluated or even changed at some point in the future. It doesn't make one "phase" any less relevant than any other.
One of the more common topics covered is the idea that the whole thing is just a "phase" I'm going through. I get this one a lot also when I'm answering questions about being queer, although less in the sense that I just haven't found the "one", and more in the sense that I haven't found the "one set of genitals" that I'm actually attracted to. I do believe the two are slightly related, and both come from the mindset that I'm supposed to find a singularity and stick with it for the rest of my days.
The problem that I have with the "phase" mindset is it discounts any type of experience one's had before "settling," as it were. I've found it a lot in monogamous relationships as well where it's as though they don't or can't talk about previous sexual encounters before the two of them were together. Which is pretty silly, to me. Polyamory Weekly did a great podcast back in January about dealing with jealousy, and they made the analogy of how you need to practice dealing with jealousy just like you would practice getting better at the piano. Which is not to say that you practice dealing with jealousy by learning to play the piano - that the two are somehow tied together. It's the idea that just as somebody who is really good at the piano had to work to get that good, so people who deal with jealousy well had to work really hard to get to a point where jealousy doesn't destroy them anymore. I think the same hold true with sex. I mean, I'm sure there are those prodigy cases where the first time somebody has sex they are just fucking awesome at it.
But for the rest of us the first time is usually not all that smooth.
Sex takes practice to get good at, just like anything else. If you do really good practice regularly, then you'll get really good. But if you start out with the wrong way to do something, and then you only practice that wrong way, you don't get any better.
"Phases" of sexual identification is a weird way to put it. You can qualify it as a time period, and less of a conscious decision. It's like saying people who wait to have sex before they're married are just going through the "phase" of not having sex. Not that they've actively decided that they want to format their sexual relationships in a specific way regardless of whether or not they have a partner. It's the same regardless of the relationship format chosen. It's an active decision of a way to live a lifestyle, and maybe that decision will be reevaluated or even changed at some point in the future. It doesn't make one "phase" any less relevant than any other.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Available
I previously talked about some societal tropes that I disliked, mostly so I could complain about babies/children and how not worth it they are. Tonight, I read this decent article about "hook up culture," so I'd like to revisit the first two tropes a bit more in detail in their own entry.
Women and men can't be friends
I actually struggle a lot with this one, because on the one hand I sort of agree with it. On the other hand it depends on how you define "friends." People I've talked to seem to define "friends" in that way that means "totally platonic acquaintances who will never see each other naked or touch lips with each other." Also in the sense that therefore, women and men can't be "friends," because inevitably one of them is going to do one of those things to the other one, and then the "friendship" is somehow over, and then you have to find like this new word to define what the two of you have (see next trope). So, yeah, I kind of agree with that if I think about "friend" meaning the same thing these people have it mean. On the other hand, I tend to define "friend" as "a really cool person I hang out with." And generally if a person is really cool, I'm going to want to touch my lips to their lips. Possibly etc. It's the transitive property in an exponential sense. (Please don't harangue me too much for that mixed math metaphor, Frisbee.) Hanging out with a really cool person is super fun. Touching lips with another person is also sometimes fun. So touching lips with a really cool person has the potential to be super fun. It doesn't necessarily mean that the two people involved need to be something different than just "friends" (again, see next trope). In relation to the article, just fucking hook up if you want to hook up.
Sex = Connection and commitment
This one is consistently confusing for me. I'm not saying that sex is completely meaningless, or that you can have sexual experiences where you don't know anything about the other person you're fucking (unless you're into public use type of stuff...I guess that could happen). I'm just saying that just because you got naked with another person and did things that made you both feel good (hopefully) doesn't mean that you have to now feign interest in all other aspects of each other. It's perfectly okay to just put your clothes back on and then not care about what each of you does in your clothes-on lifestyle. It's a bit like being a superhero, in a way. Clothes-on mild-mannered alter ego and clothes-off secret identity. The two aren't meant to mix (unless you find that really special someone(s)) who you can have both identities with.
I'll sum it all up with a blurb from the article (although you really should just go and read the entire thing):
Instead of taking the “radical” step of keeping it in their pants, college students should tackle the problem at the source: Make out, but respect the person you kiss.
Women and men can't be friends
I actually struggle a lot with this one, because on the one hand I sort of agree with it. On the other hand it depends on how you define "friends." People I've talked to seem to define "friends" in that way that means "totally platonic acquaintances who will never see each other naked or touch lips with each other." Also in the sense that therefore, women and men can't be "friends," because inevitably one of them is going to do one of those things to the other one, and then the "friendship" is somehow over, and then you have to find like this new word to define what the two of you have (see next trope). So, yeah, I kind of agree with that if I think about "friend" meaning the same thing these people have it mean. On the other hand, I tend to define "friend" as "a really cool person I hang out with." And generally if a person is really cool, I'm going to want to touch my lips to their lips. Possibly etc. It's the transitive property in an exponential sense. (Please don't harangue me too much for that mixed math metaphor, Frisbee.) Hanging out with a really cool person is super fun. Touching lips with another person is also sometimes fun. So touching lips with a really cool person has the potential to be super fun. It doesn't necessarily mean that the two people involved need to be something different than just "friends" (again, see next trope). In relation to the article, just fucking hook up if you want to hook up.
Sex = Connection and commitment
This one is consistently confusing for me. I'm not saying that sex is completely meaningless, or that you can have sexual experiences where you don't know anything about the other person you're fucking (unless you're into public use type of stuff...I guess that could happen). I'm just saying that just because you got naked with another person and did things that made you both feel good (hopefully) doesn't mean that you have to now feign interest in all other aspects of each other. It's perfectly okay to just put your clothes back on and then not care about what each of you does in your clothes-on lifestyle. It's a bit like being a superhero, in a way. Clothes-on mild-mannered alter ego and clothes-off secret identity. The two aren't meant to mix (unless you find that really special someone(s)) who you can have both identities with.
I'll sum it all up with a blurb from the article (although you really should just go and read the entire thing):
Instead of taking the “radical” step of keeping it in their pants, college students should tackle the problem at the source: Make out, but respect the person you kiss.
Social media
Because I am tired of hearing Now-hubby whine about it, I now have a tumblr. We'll see if it winds up being like the time he coerced me into joining Reddit (which turned out awesome), or more like the time he coerced me to join Twitter (which is less of a success story). In any case, ya'll can check it out here, if you feel so inclined.
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