Saturday, October 21, 2017

Gotta keep 'em medicated

It's been a busy bit of days, intrepid readers. Although I haven't had to take another divorce-related hiatus, there has been quite a lot of low-caliber disorder for me to wade through.

Frisbee and I spent the entire summer having the house renovated. It was an interesting experience to process the relationship transition both mentally and ornamentally. Although I've identified as some variation of "sexually and romantically open" since I first started being interested in sexual and romantic contact with others, living in an MMF, V-style relationship was something I didn't have a lot of experience with. Having one stem of that V rather abruptly decide they wanted to detach from everything and then maintaining the other side of the V as something completely new and undefined was...super fun.

To channel my inner Expressive Writing 101, having several rooms of my house taken down to the studs and built back up coincided nicely with how I had my emotional self-identity broken and the process of reconstructing it. In very quick succession once the renovations were finished (the physical home renovations, anyway. I'll get back to you on that emotional stuff), the school year started back up, I had to get a new car, and I've been figuring out my anti-anxiety meds.

(It's not as bad as all that. If you've been reading along for awhile, you'll know I tend to use GIFs to attempt exaggerative comedic effect.)

In the midst also was a pretty serious restructuring of how I view and want to format my relationships. While I still have some pretty defined categories for people I'm involved with, there's whole new little subgroups within each type. For example, men that I know from the gang bang that I enjoy being with outside of the bangs, but only in the context of other sex parties. I noticed this pretty significantly after starting the meds, but feel squicky about correlation and causation on that one. I think there's definitely something about these new preferences that's been brought on by the medication. My mental functions have gone from running on every possible track at all times to (mostly) only running on the most pertinent, and I can feel how that's given me the mental space to process what I'm actually looking for when I enter a sexual and/or romantic relationship with another person. On the other hand, I ran into a pretty serious brick wall in regards to my own perceptions about my relationship with Nex-Hubby, and I'm no Wil-E-Coyote about that shit. 

I'm taking a little extra time to make sure the fit's right with the relationships I'm in. No more buying things straight off the rack and then hoping it'll fit me once I get it home. I'm still a total failure at expressing my preferences to other people once I have them decided. Small steps.

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