Country Fried Dating

A friend of mine from high school recently posted a link on Facebook to this article on "10 Traditional Dating Rules We Need To Bring Back."

Which reinforced for me that Facebook is a place where I maintain year's defunct relationships just for the occasional opportunity to find things like this to hate on. (Technically my secondary use of Facebook. I primarily use it as an awkward dumping ground for new acquaintances who I don't like enough to give my phone number to, but still want some means of contact. Thirdly, I use it to keep in contact with people I actually care about. *hi, bestie!*)

In any case, sometimes people I know on Facebook will post incredibly dumb relationship things and then I get to bring them here and fisk them for my enjoyment. Congratulations, you've all won tickets to be along for the ride as well.

First, the article is from a site called Country Outfitter. Which makes me think maybe it's a clothing store dispensing dating advice? Except instead of selling tit curtains and T-shirts with indie graphics, Country Outfitter would deal exclusively in gingham, denim, and truck nuts. (Seriously, the girl in the picture for this article is wearing an American flag tank top.)

For brevity, I'll skip the intro to the article and go straight to the rules themselves. There's an interesting mix. Some of them are actually helpful advice. Most of them are ridiculously backwards "shoulds" that have an undertone of technology apprehensiveness.

1. The guy always calls the girl. The girl never calls the guy.

I distinctly remember how angry my mom would get when flirty junior high girls called to talk to my cute 7th grade brother. She'd give them a short dating etiquette lesson that ended with her abruptly hanging up the phone. (Of course, this was back when girls had to actually call the "house phone" - a word I have had to teach my sons). Girls, make the guy call you, not the other way around. If a guy really likes you, he will call. If he doesn't have the guts to dial seven numbers and say, "hello," then he's not worth dating.

A landline phone?!!! What is this, the eighteen hundreds?

Seriously - this completely discounts any form of romantic autonomy. Women can be interested in men, but they should never ever initiate any contact. I also like how it's not explained how women are supposed to "make" a guy call them.

2. Guys need to call it a "date" and make their intentions known.

This is one of those that, in theory, makes total sense. Yes, if you want to "date," say that word. (Although, of course, I'm going to advocate that you explain what exactly you mean by "date," but that's just me being a stickler.) 

However, it's still entirely on the man to establish exactly what the expectations and timbre of the relationship are going to be. The woman's still just sort of along for the ride, not talking or expressing any opinion.

Then we get to this gem:

Dating just for fun is great for high school kids, but not so great for those 20 and 30 somethings who are ready to get married, so just keep your intentions clear and you can avoid all the awkwardness and ambiguity of "hanging out."

Hear that, 20 and 30 somethings? Your priorities are totally different and you just need to accept that. As if it wasn't difficult enough to keep track of your romantic priorities based on your gender, now you also have age to consider. 

3. Guys always go to the door to pick up their dates.

Guys should always go to the door to pick up their date, preferably with flowers in hand. This way the guy can introduce himself to his date's parents, giving her father a firm handshake, allowing him to say a few words about "shotguns" and "shallow graves." (This, is, of course, assuming she lives with her parents.)

It's parenthetical because, of course, she still lives with her parents. Who the hell else is supposed to restrain and handle this unwieldy female creature before she finds a suitable husband? I also really appreciate the grammar in this rule, as it's unclear if the father or the suitor is the one making jokes about shotguns and shallow graves. 

4. Dress nicely for a date.

Girls have no problem with this. They try on five different outfits and spend hours planning what they will wear, but guys, please take a shower. Put on deodorant and a nice (clean) shirt and jeans, (maybe even some cologne).

As an incentive for the type of guys who would read this article to shower:

5. Guys - pay for the date. Girls - don't order a salad.

This is a non-negotiable, especially for a first date.

I considered copying the rest of this rule (it does elaborate), but I'll save you all the headache. All that matters is that of all ten rules, this is the only one that is an absolute commandment. The tl;dr on why is because guys shouldn't ask for a date if they can't afford it (maybe "hanging out" is cheaper? But you're only allowed to do that until you hit 20) and because guys will be offended if you try to be a "cheap" date and order salad. Moral of the story is everything is still completely about the man's perspective, even when it comes to dietary preferences. (Also, has the person that wrote this article been to a restaurant recently? Actual entrée salads are some of the priciest things on the menu.)

6. Don't forget basic manners.

Guys should open car doors (and all other doors)...

7. Give your date your full attention.

This is one of those I don't have any major arguments against. They do play that fun game again where you're supposed to be simultaneously honest about your feelings but also not.

Don't act bored or disinterested (even if you are).

Spoilers: rule 9 tells women that they should be honest if they're not interested in a second date. Which is understandably confusing if they've spent the entire first date pretending that they're invested.

8. Walk your date to the door, and make sure she's home on time.

There is no better way to make your date's parents question your integrity than by breaking their rules.

Because, again, the idea that she'd be living on her own (even in her 20s or 30s) is laughable.

9. If a girl isn't interested in a second date, she should let the guy know.

Already briefly covered up at rule 7. Good advice unless you take into account all the other garbage in this article that tells women to be as coy and passive as possible. It's unclear how a woman is supposed to speak her mind and say she's not interested in a second date when the previous 8 rules all told her to just shut up and enjoy being wanted. 

Of the few rules in this list that are aimed at how women are supposed to behave on a date (rule 4: getting ready, which is "no problem." Rule 5: "no salads"), this one joins the ranks as ultimately being about the guy. 

...You don't want to hurt his feelings.

I imagine the let-down this article is envisioning comes with a lot of apologies on the part of the woman. 

10. Kindness, respect, and honesty go a long way!

Yes, yes they do. In fact, let's just make this Rule 1 and pretend the rest of this article never even existed.

Got that hate hate hate hate hate

Today, on the way home from work, I noticed a car with this bumper sticker:

Note: not a photo of the actual car. Because besides the No Zones, I also remember from Driver's Ed how we learned not to try and take photos while driving at 60mph. Luckily, images exist online of this atrocity of a sticker. Good news: this stupid thing is also available to be emblazoned on your laptop, coffee cup, or T-shirt. Advertise at every moment how maybe, just maybe, you don't really understand what a horcrux is. Although I guess it's also possible that the people who buy this kind of stuff also have a secret penchant for having their things destroyed by basilisk fangs. Who am I to judge?

I try my best to not nerd hate. Community in-fighting just creates problems, and dueling fandoms is problematic. But I absolutely hate stuff like this. The, "omg it's that thing from the thing!" It's the entire reason people keep recommending Big Bang Theory to me, and the entire reason I continue to refuse to watch it. "You like all that nerdy stuff." Yes, yes I do. But I like the nerdy stuff because it gives me something to think about, and talk with other people about. But from what I've seen of Bingo Boingo Time, it's all hand-fed bullshit. The kind of references that allow people to shut off their brains and just point at the TV whenever somebody has a Tom Baker scarf on and moistly yell, "I get that reference!"

I don't give a shit if somebody can't name all the actors who've played Dr. Who. Or if somebody's only seen a few episodes of Adventure Time or Game of Thrones. Or whether somebody's read the comic as well as seen the movie (of any franchise). I don't need anybody to be able to recite all seven books of Harry Potter from memory. Whatever thing you're into, and to whatever level, that's your bag, baby. All I'm asking is for the intelligence to recognize that references can't just be thrown out there. Having a car (or anything else, really) that's a horcrux is actually an incredibly bad thing. (For those not into the Harry P, briefly: a horcrux is an item that an evil wizard has put part of their soul into, sort of a path to immortality because the evil wizard will be unkillable unless that item is also destroyed. The horcrux becomes a "cursed" item that also influences anybody that might encounter it unknowingly to do pretty terrible things.)

As a counterpoint:

That makes sense, because a Nimbus 2000 is a broom that wizards use for transportation. It's classic "x is to y as a is to b." "My other car is a Millennium Falcon." "My other car is Serenity." "My other car is the Enterprise." All of those fucking make sense. They're all other transport vehicles. The original sticker might as well have said, "This car is a Dalek." "This car is a Gollum." "This car is the Ice King." What the fuck do any of those even mean? Yes, they're references to things, but not accurate or insightful in any way.

Nudes

Frisbee is away on business until evening tomorrow, and I'm on Spring Break. Which means in addition to getting my car washed, having some Panang Curry, and getting a mani/pedi today, I also took numerous nude photos of myself to send him once he's done with all his meetings and such today.

Which, as is standard for me, brought me to thinking about the female vs. male body and how they're viewed. (I'm generally unable to properly enjoy things until I've thought over all the particularities, which is both a pro and a con of my existence. Pro in that I get to bother all of you with my mind wanderings, con because I can rarely live in the moment and just enjoy stuff.)

I'm also going to bring Tumblr into the mix, because I attribute that website entirely for my current ability to objectify the male figure.

Which is not to say that before Tumblr I didn't find men attractive. Tumblr helped me find men attractive in the way I feel majority society is conditioned to find women attractive. Which is to say, in a completely all-encompassing, yet completely unavailable way. You're supposed to want it, but never actually get it, which is an incredibly cruel tease. But when you take out the violence that occurs with the mindset "I'm going to get it whether you want me to or not," visual objectification can be incredibly fucking hot. To clarify, I'm not talking about creeper pics, or cat-calling, or any of that nonsense. I'm just talking about good old visual appreciation of another human being.

I've always had a penchant for imaging what it would be like to have sex with random people. Sometimes I even do actually have sex with said people, but my imaginative sex life continues to outperform my reality-based sex life in spades.

Traveling in what some would call "unconventional" sexual circles, I find even there that female nudity and sexuality is placed on a higher pedestal than male. Visual objectification of the female form is pretty prolific. It's used to advertise literally everything. It's never the product you're buying so much as the idea that a woman will find you even slightly more attractive. I had a conversation about this once with bestie. How the male figure isn't conventionally considered attractive, but male arousal is definitely the paradigm by which everything is evaluated. We were talking specifically about gay porn at the time; how when there's a boner, there's always a visual indicator of arousal. And then of course the incredibly clear visual of male orgasm.

Whereas lesbian porn is more widely acceptable because it's the sort of the straight man jackpot - the "unattainable" female nakedness/arousal happening times two and oriented specifically for their pleasure. Gay porn maintains a subset popularity because of it's "authenticity," which is also sexy.

Final verdict? Everyone is incredibly sexy and I need to stop thinking so much about stuff.

In your face

In the course of Frisbee and I's relationship, he's gotten to experience the delightful individual that is me when tipsy and around a group of straight people. The nice way to describe that version of myself is "squirrely." The less polite way is more along the lines of, "antagonistic and horny." 

It's a peculiarity that has to do with representation. Back in the day, Now-hubby and I also got into a discussion about this particular character trait of mine. I love Frisbee and Now-hubby, but they've got a completely different history when it comes to interacting with straight people. 

By which I mean I'm in a relationship with two hetero shit lords. And it's difficult to explain to them how excruciatingly painful it can be to be the only queer/kinky/poly representative in a room full of people who aren't. How exhausting it is to spend an entire evening just trying to evaluate if you can trust this group of people enough to be honest with them about your lifestyle. As a particular example, a few months ago I basically forced Frisbee into the backseat of the car to suck him off after enduring hours of other people milling around saying things like, "But what did he really mean when he said that?" and "Well, I like her but I don't know if she likes me back."

I reach a tolerance limit when placed in situations where I'm outnumbered, and I tend to deal with the agitation by going to an extreme in the direction I'm more comfortable with. If I've just spent hours surrounded by conversation concerned with the intricacies of monogamous courtship, I'm much more inclined to give a backseat blowjob than I would be otherwise. Just for the irreproachable reason that such activity would be defined as "freaky" by the majority of the people I've just escaped from.

I have my own general guidelines as far as how much to disclose about alternative lifestyles when out among the "normals." For those of you still on Now-hubby's bygone page of, "well, I'm a generally accepting, straight cis-guy, so that means all straight cis-guys are just as accepting as I am," I'm here to tell you the majority of daily interactions tend toward the painfully straight. As a representative of a minority sexual culture, there's constant awareness of the battle between underrepresentation and tokenization. A recent example:

I went out last week with a group of people I play Winter League frisbee with. We hung out for about an hour; pizza and beer/general conversation. There were around ten of us, which works out perfectly if you follow the old 1 in 10 legend. Note: I'm not "out" to anybody in this particular League; it hasn't been relevant yet. I bring up this specific example not because I think this group would be judgmental or horrible if I were to come out to them. I bring it up purely as an example of how overwhelming majority monogamous culture can be when you stop to be aware of it.

In an hour, the following:

• Every song that played at the bar was based on a monogamous love structure.

• All ads on TV focused on women making themselves attractive for men, men making themselves attractive for women, or either sex tolerating but not respecting the other.

• That one couple at the bar openly making out with each other. (Not part of our group, but just atmospheric acknowledgement of acceptability.)

• One woman in our group mentioning her engagement to her boyfriend five separate times. When choosing seats around the table, asked if she could sit next to the "man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."

• At least 20 minutes of conversation focused solely on, "why doesn't he want to commit?" "The sex is good but I don't know if we have a relationship."

Meanwhile me:

Fajitas

Tonight's plans had originally included going back to the bi-friendly swinger parties, but instead I'm at home because my period started this week. Although I'm fairly comfortable with sexytimes during my period, I'm not as comfortable discussing it with several strangers over the course of a few hours. i.e. "It's not that messy if we just put a towel down. Yes, you might have to go wash blood off your pubic area afterward." I'm also incredibly uncomfortable with the possibility of accidentally getting some blood on somebody else's bedsheets and having that awkward few minutes afterward where I wipe it up with a cold washcloth. (For those of you out there who might not know how to deal with blood (of any kind, not just menstrual) on cloth, let me get all Heloise for a second and tell you the best thing to do is scrub it with cold water immediately.)

There was a brief consideration of still going to the bi party, just hanging out, and enjoying people's company in a completely platonic fashion. Although I know enough about myself that I'm not the type who can pay to attend a party and then say "no thanks, not tonight" if an opportunity I'm into presents itself. Historically, if I'm at a sexy party, there's bound to be at least one thing happening during the evening that I'll be into. Just having to sit twiddling my thumbs instead of jumping in to participate would be incredibly difficult.

Although it's worth noting that if you're looking to investigate sexy parties and unsure if you'll be into them, 4 of the 5 types I've attended so far would be perfectly okay if you wanted to attend and keep all your clothes on. The gang bangs are the one exception. Going to a sexy party without any expectations beyond just sort of checking out the scene is a decent way to metaphorically get your feet wet. Or literally. No judgements.

Parties are probably one of the easiest things to get involved in when you're new to non-monogamy. They seem the most intimidating, but I'm here to soothe your fears.

Are you ready for the list of reasons why sex parties are awesome? Of course you are.

1. If you're not into group sex, parties are still an awesome way to meet a lot of different people and get an idea of lots of different ways to put together an open relationship. I've already got a decent amount of advice logged here about how to go about putting an open relationship together. There's also tons of other great blogs, books, podcasts, etc. you could check out. It just depends on the format of information gathering you're most comfortable with. Parties are sort of the "fish in a barrel" option.

2. Consider the money issue. Because parties can be expensive, depending on your budget. Especially if you're going to attend as a single guy. It's just one of the unfortunate realities about the scene. However, the amount you're going to pay to attend a party isn't much more than a dinner out for two (the most expensive party I've attended topped out at $70 for single guys). The order, most to least, of attendance fees: Single guys, couples, single ladies. One helpful thing to keep in mind. The money you've spent isn't an entitlement fee. It doesn't guarantee you're going to get laid. (The gang bangs are again the exception to the rule here.) Think of the money as an attendance fee, sort of like something you'd pay to attend a convention. You'll check out the scene, probably learn a few things, and see if it's something you'd be into attending more regularly.

3. Parties are sort of the top-tier of sexual experience. Everybody's got their ranking system of what constitutes "freaky" sex. I've had conversations with people who considered blow jobs "kinky." All I'm saying is, after watching multiple people writhe around in various stages of sexual activity in the same space, things like asking for that threesome are going to seem way easier to surmount.