Label Maker

We got into a discussion at work today about person-first language. For anybody unfamiliar with special education or disability awareness, the idea is to always put the person ahead of the diagnosis.
To not focus on the different ability level of the person, but instead emphasize the commonality of personhood. i.e. "A person with Autism" vs. "The autistic person." The former shows person-first language.  (There is great disagreement about Deaf, as it's considered a cultural identifier, especially when it's got the capital D. I tend to default to using both - "A person who's Deaf.") 

One of my most favorite podcasts, Poly Weekly, recently did an episode about being introverted and also polyamorous. It got me thinking about person-first language because the entire episode was chock full of people saying sentences that started like this: "As an introvert..."

Side note: I am completely in love with Capaldi as the new Doctor Who. I keep hoping Frisbee or Now-hubby will start watching it with me and be all, "omg this is fantastic" and then Capaldi can be their Eccelston.

Anyway. Sentences that begin, "As a so-and-so..." are definitely not using person-first language. But my cringe-face goes beyond just that. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with labels. On the one hand, I think they're useful to establish baselines in conversations and give people an idea of where you're coming from when you're talking about a subject. On the other hand, I don't think any label can exist on it's own without at least a bit of discussion i.e. "Oh, that's what you mean when you use the word, 'bisexual.' Here's what I mean when I use that word." Because words are tricky and the human experience is variable. 

My second big problem with labels is that they can sometimes become an easy scape-goat for behavior. Not in the sense that, "I'm making out with this woman because I identify as a lesbian and for me that means I find other women sexually attractive." Whatever people. Get your respective freaks on. You don't need to justify it to me.

I'm not talking about excusing sexual behaviors. I'm talking about scape-goating general personality traits. It sometimes feels as though there has to be a label tacked onto everything; it's not enough to just simply observe that something happened. Something happened because of a particular personality trait or characterization of the people involved. Labels can remove the responsibility to analyze and process one's own behavior. A given event occurs and because of a given personality label the expected given outcome is reached. c follows b which in turn followed a. Nice and easy, lemon squeezy. Life becomes less about thought and more about finding the appropriate noun to stick over all the messy stuff.

It's not you

It's officially back-to-school time, which means I had to put on an actual bra for the first time in about 4 months. It's not that terrible until the end of the day when I have to get back in my car, which has been sitting in the humidity all day. Then autonomic reflexes kick in and I feel little drops of sweat trickling down my back and pooling underneath my tits.

We have 85% staff return to the classroom this year, which is pretty neat. In the past few days, we've been updating each other on our respective summers and things that are new with us. Which means I've had a chance to update everyone on how things with Frisbee and Now-hubby are going. I shared my favorite picture of my now incredibly freaky lifestyle, one I took just after getting home from Germany. It shows Frisbee sitting on the recliner watching television and Now-hubby on the couch with his laptop. I'm taking the photo from the third chair in the room, and my copy of one of the Dresden Files novels is in frame on the arm of the chair. 

We're really disgustingly boring most of the time. I can't speak for either Now-hubby or Frisbee, but the transition to being together 24/7 has been surprisingly easy and natural. Which is interesting for me, because first meeting and establishing relationships with Now-hubby and Frisbee was incredibly awkward for me.

I had a conversation a few days ago with one of my very good friends about whether or not we'd be cheaters if non-monogamy didn't exist. We both agreed, given the option, we'd probably have remained single and been slutty rather than serial monogamists or cheaters.

When I first met Now-hubby, that was the attitude that I was operating under - that I was going to pretty much live my life as a single slut. I had read The Ethical Slut, which had some advice about how to transition single sluthood into relationship sluthood, but nothing that really explained how I was supposed to overcome the incredible insecurity that a potential partner would be putting up with non-monogamy for my sake.  

There's inherent fear in establishing more "proper" relationships in a non-standard fashion, especially when you're starting out single. Having an established relationship and opening it up is a completely different experience.  If an established couple decides to date a third and things don't work out, the established couple is more likely to stay together while the third goes back off into singledom. There's that safety net already there within the couple: history, compatibility, and most important, the ability to close things back up again and re-enter exclusivity. It's sort of a two-against-one, no matter which participant winds up pulling the plug on things. This is different, again, than an established monogamous couple where one partner cheats and then leaves their partner for the person they cheated with. That's just a variation on serial monogamy. 

When I've had to end 1:1 relationships because the other person either didn't really understand what I meant by "poly" or wound up being squicked about it, there was the distinct realization that the relationship was ending because of something about me that I couldn't change. Not a disagreement about who's going to do the dishes or whether the two of us eventually wanted kids - those are typical relationship struggles that also exist with poly relationships. Breaking up because the relationship is openly oriented and one partner doesn't want that anymore hurts. Especially when you're the one who's insisting the relationship be open. Extra especially when there's time invested and significant feelings between the two people involved. It's time-honored self-doubt at it's best. Why can't that one aspect change so the two of you can set things up the way other people do?

It's my own mental insecurity that I'm still waiting for that shoe to drop with Now-hubby or Frisbee. For them to turn around and say, "you know what? This isn't really for me." Being all in the same place together somehow eases it for me - if I can evaluate it at all it's visual security transferring to mental security. Being able to see Frisbee and Now-hubby in the same physical space as me is very reassuring. Not in the way that I'm worried about what they're doing when we're apart. More in the way that I'm warmed by being able to be close and together with them more frequently now. 

Crazy Stuff on the Internet

This has come across my attention span in the past few days. It's worth sharing here.


Wanted Melody from Wanted Melody on Vimeo.

Luck Be a Lady

This past weekend I spent an incredible time getting sunburnt with Frisbee at an Ultimate tournament. This upcoming weekend I'll be nerding out with Now-hubby at Wizard Con in Chicago. My first con - be gentle.

In short, this is one of those sappy entries where I'm going to talk about how great it is to be in a relationship with these two incredible men.

I really do want to dedicate an entry to them, though, because I don't want it to seem as though I get to live the life I do just because I've made certain life choices regarding the types of sex and relationships I'd like to have. This blog would be very different if I was a kinky, poly-oriented, single lady.

Which is very weird for me, as I tend to play single. But I'd like to give mention to the two men who continue to consent to me playing as such. I'd also like to mention how incredibly amazing it is for the two of them to share not only living space but also a more intimate schedule with me.

We've now had three monthly meetings to go over our relationship agreement. And I've felt that each one has contributed something positive to the way that the three of us are living together. Each month I get to reflect on everything that has gone right with the three of us living together. I'm also continually surprised that the two of them are content with the way things are. I can't imagine that other men would be as accepting and accommodating as they have, and I need to give them props for that.

In short, all the sappy bullshit this blog can allow. I give it all to them.

Bad Behavior

Before I officially begin this entry, I would like to emphatically stress that I don't give two shits about Taylor Swift. This is not an entry about her. So, if anybody from the Taylor Swift fandom happens to find their way to this little blog, I humbly request that they take a fucking chill pill before continuing with this entry. I repeat: this is not an entry about Taylor Swift.

What this is an entry about is the video for her song, I Knew You Were Trouble. I'll also save everybody the trouble of having to watch the entire thing and let you know the only parts that concern this entry are from about the 3:45 mark to 5:45.

Well, there are two sort of brief character development moments before the relevant minutes I'm talking about. It's important, apparently, for you to also know the love interest in this music video is the type of guy who goes to concerts that have mosh pits. It's also important for you to know he's the type of guy who will get a tattoo that says "LOVE" on his chest because he's spent a lot of time in a grimy hotel room with Taylor Swift. Whether he's in love with Taylor Swift or with the grimy hotel room is sort of a toss-up.

In any case, from 3:45 to 5:45 is when you really learn why this guy is so much "trouble." Mosh pits and poorly thought-out tattoos are just part of his boyish charm. Two things that really start to make the relationship look like a bad idea: he likes to get in stupid bar fights and apparently the police are after him. Why I wanted to write about this video, though, is that the penultimate reason Taylor Swift decides the guy isn't worth being with anymore is because he kisses another girl at some Burning Man-esque festival.

It's as though all his other questionable life choices are worth being there for, but kissing somebody else is the worst choice he could make with his life and definitely worth breaking up over. That's a really troubling viewpoint. Suffer through violent, law-breaking behavior because it's still sort of hot to be with a bad boy.

But see him making out with somebody else and it is definitely over!

I'd also like to question whether or not the making out with somebody else actually happened. They were at something very similar to Burning Man, so it's possible Taylor Swift was just tripping balls and hallucinated the whole thing. Or maybe! Maybe Taylor Swift is just tripping the entire video and the boyfriend never really existed. I Knew You Were Trouble is actually a coded tribute to Fight Club.

I'm also sort of angry at the implication that the boyfriend's other really bad choices make him more likely to also be the kind of guy that cheats. Like maybe if Taylor Swift had instead met a nice boy in a button-down shirt who took her to the orchestra and only brought her to restaurants without pool tables in them would never have cheated on her.