I do both Jay and Jane

As a semi-related factoid on this blog entry, I have recently started wearing boxer briefs regularly again. Damn, those things are comfortable. Anyway, on to our regularly scheduled entry (which is of course a joke, as I just sort of write these as ideas pop in my head).

I like to equate my queerness to dual citizenship. Whereas the latter (holy shit, can you tell I've been working on a paper for my master's class recently?) gets to be a citizen of two different nations, I get to be part of two awesomely disparate yet completely similar genders. And yes, before everyone gets all up in arms about, "there are more genders than just two!" I acknowledge that as a possibility. So please just take a deep breath and keep reading.

Again, I don't mean to get all guidance counselor (apologies again to my giant guidance counselor fan-base). The best part of dual citizenship is being able to shut down on comparisons and preconceptions and just accept people as people. The second best part is it gives me an opportunity to bust people's chops about their preconceived notions about the "other" gender. Third is an acceptance of what I like, and how I like it, that is completely unconnected to what I'm supposed to like. That fells nice.

Never knew girls existed like you

I'm currently reading the book Incognito: The Secret Life of the Brain, mostly because Jiz Lee said she was reading it. And, let's face it. If a sexy genderqueer porn star like Jiz Lee

is reading something and finding it interesting, you better well pick that fucking book up and read it as well.

So far, it is quite interesting. And the author is quite a ladyboner.

The only issue I am encountering is ye ol' straight white male perspective. Which is not as pervasive as in, say, books like Dr. Louann Brizendine's. Which I know is a confusing statement to make as she is a female author, but it is possible to buy in and write about the SWM perspective without actually being a SWM. 


It's just sometimes disheartening to be bashed over the head with the neuroscience perspective that regardless of anything else, men like X and women like Y because hormones and beta receptors and subconscious evolutionary survival thoughts. (It should be clear at this point why I decided against a career in anything that required more than a working knowledge of science.) It's the same reason that I dislike being told that I can't have casual sex because of oxytocin, or that I'm not allowed to do half of the other things I do because somehow my lady brain should be stopping me from all of that. It's on the one hand interesting to learn about how the brain functions and what type of things are truly subconscious behaviors for human beings in general (some of the stuff Eagleman writes about as far as the visual receptors of the brain are pretty mind-blowing), but on the other hand extremely disheartening to have to always break things down to the "he said, she said" version of science, where heteros can take a quote out of a book and somehow justify their worldview because...you know...brain science. 

IUD

So it's been about a week since getting the ol' IUD. Here is my little list of pros and cons:

Pros:

• Can have unprotected sex with hubby again. Hurrah.
• Will last 10 years
• 99.9% effective
• There is both a hormonal and non-hormonal option, depending on what your circumstances may be. Both are as effective and last as long.
• Cost (this is a tie-breaker with a con - depending on your insurance these can be freaking expensive. I wound up paying about $750 for mine (insurance did not cover). But if you think about it, if you even use it for 5 years that is only about $12 bucks a month, which is about what you'd pay for a box of condoms anyway.)
• Short office visit (whole thing took about 15 minutes to do)
• After first few days, fairly undetectable

Cons:

• Pain. Perhaps this is different for women who have had children before. I don't know. This thing hurt like a motherfucker going in. (For those of you who need an anatomy lesson you can find it here.) My gynecologist explained it would hurt in 3 places - pushing the IUD past the cervix, and then pushing the "arms" into each fallopian tube. In my experience, the fallopian tubes were the worst part. I was told to take 3 ibuprofen both the night before and morning of, as well as a pill (inserted vaginally) that softened my cervix. Getting it past the cervix was mildly uncomfortable, kind of like a slight pinch. Getting the "arms" of the IUD into the fallopian tubes actually made my ass lift off the table and my lungs forget how to breathe; it hurt that much. Afterward, I cramped pretty bad for the next 3 days or so. Sort of like I had been punched in the stomach/had the stomach flu/was having the worst period of my life. All at the same time together.
• Timing. You have to get this done while you are on your period. If you are squeamish at all about the visit from Aunt Flo, it can be awkward.
• Heavier periods in general. I have been told this, haven't actually experienced it. I was on blood thinners for 6 months, and my periods were monstrous. So we'll see how they compare. Stay tuned for what I'm sure will be exciting updates about my menstrual cycle. (Joking.)

Answering questions, Part II

So, I have decided after the previous post that I would like to post a general question to the monogamous population.

Why?

I realize this is severely relevant:

But I am genuinely curious. Also, how?

Why do you have to define each relationship by specific criteria?

Why can you be jealous just because your significant other is talking to another person?

How do you justify every interaction you have vs. the "relationship" that you are in?

There are many more questions, and they tend to increase the drunker I get. I'm just saying. You assholes are the confusing ones.

Answering questions

I went out to lunch yesterday with a group of people that, for the most part, didn't know me. The only context being that I was friends with one of the people that they were also friends with. As one does when meeting new people, you have the perfunctory "getting to know a new person" discussion. i.e. Where is someone from? What do they do for a living? How do they know said mutual acquaintance?

In this case, I knew said mutual acquaintance from a gang bang party. Which...is not really something that people say in polite company, is it? It wasn't the last time I hung out with this particular person. That time I just knew him from "around." (Fabulously awkward and nondescript place, that "around.") He had told me his other friends knew about the parties, but latent trust issues also led me to believe this could possibly be a lie, and so "around" it was.

This time, I kept in mind my resolution to start being more honest about who I am if the situation calls for it. As in, not shaking somebody's hand and saying, "Hello, I am a sort-of polyamorist who is also involved in the kink scene. I am married, but it is an open marriage. Also, I am sexually attracted to all sorts of different genders." That is a bit much. More, if somebody asks a particular question and I have the opportunity to answer it honestly (example: "Where do you know our mutual acquaintance from?"), I am going to do so. This is not a New Years resolution, or even a resolution entirely. I think it's just a type of exposure therapy. Where people who are afraid of snakes use exposure to snakes to get over that fear, I am taking my fear of trusting others and slowly making myself just be honest and try to accept that not everybody will use the information they have on you against you.

So keeping that resolution in mind, I answered the question honestly. Well, I didn't use the word "gang bang," but I did say, "I know him from the parties," which caused the people at the table to make a thoughtful face, and then a sort of, "oooo I get it" face. (This is also part of the resolution - to find a middle-ground somewhere where I am not talking about getting facials from other boyfriends (you know, the kind without scrubbing loofas or cucumbers), but also not just saying that I did "nothing.")

Then come the questions.

This is honestly a part that I don't ever really mind. I realized even before volunteering for the LGBT panel experience in college that "the majority" has questions. Now that I am more of a freelance panelist (i.e. I still live an "alternative" lifestyle, but organizations are not signing me up to come and sit behind a table and field questions, I am just meeting everyday people who have questions), there are still the two main fields of questions. There are the genuine interest questions, à la, "This is different from anything I've heard of/experienced before. Tell me more about it." Then there are the obnoxious, "What you are doing is wrong and I would like to ask you circular logic type questions to try and get you to understand how wrong you are about it." Being a freelance panelist now is nice, because I can politely tell the latter type of question askers to fuck themselves.