Shadows

I was walking home just now, listening to a mix on my iPod made by a special somebody a few years back. (The mix itself was not specifically put on the iPod a few years ago. I believe it was actually on a CD that I then transferred to the iPod. CDs. Oh, what a world.) It was late, so my shadow was everywhere in streetlights as I walked. I have always liked shadows. They are completely monochrome, and physically inconstant.

The "gay" thing

Before we begin, since labels are important to some people, let it be known that I identify as queer for all intents and purposes (one of those "the word doesn't quite fit, but it's there, so I'll use it" sort of thing).

Recently some friends from college visited and we got on the topic of "recruitment," or the idea that scary sexual predators go out into the world and "create" gay people. Also the idea that gayness is somehow something that you can "catch" or "become." I made the joke that a few weekends ago I went to the mall and sneezed and suddenly man-on-man blowjobs just occurred spontaneously all around me. Well, we don't know. Some of those men might have been only bi-curious. Maybe I wasn't carrying the full-on gay bug at that point.

Which brought to mind another one of my favorite arguments to get into with straight people. How "sexualized" Pride parades are. This usually centers around the leather Daddies, or any of the various sparkly men in hot pants. For a little grammatical side argument, I dislike people who use the word "but" as a conjunction unless they are using it in agreement, i.e. "I like chocolate, but peanut butter is also awesome." So whenever somebody says, "I support gay people, but..." I usually just wind up telling them that they either do or they do not. It's the same as saying, "I don't mean to be a bitch, but..." Then don't be a bitch! Just don't say whatever it is you're about to say. Or say it anyway, but don't try to qualify it beforehand like you are little Susie Sweetheart. So when you have to put that conjunction on the end of your sentence, you either support them/us/me/whoever, or you don't.

Anyway. My argument. Pride. Fantastic time of the year. Parades, music, community, etc. That includes all the semi-naked people that are out and about. My main point about Pride is it is one day (well, sometimes a weekend) where we can get out and about and actually express this sexuality. Yes, being gay is about more than just sex. (Speaking of, I threw my shoulder out a few days ago, which you would think my overwhelming lust for other women's vaginas would be able to overcome. Not so. There is life to being gay besides the sex, Virginia.) But being gay is also about the majority of the time not expressing that sexuality. And not seeing that sexuality expressed, or really even ever spoken positively about. So yes, maybe sometimes we go a bit over the top during Pride. Maybe we explode all the glitter and put on all the hot pants and dance to all the techno music. It's only so that come Monday we can go back into our humdrum little lives and continue to tell people about our "roommates" and want to stab our eyes out that the straight people we work around can describe their sexual escapades without anybody having stupid questions about it.

Jealousy

There is a specific human behavior that is a large factor of why I'm open. In short, it is that moment when a very good friend of mine will give me the "speech" about how I can't hang out with them anymore because their "significant other" isn't comfortable with it. This has happened to me whether or not the very good friend and myself have any type of sexual relationship. People enter the "relationship" and then I have to go away.

When I started thinking of how I wanted to conduct my own "relationships," I decided it was bullshit to try and tell the person I was going to be with who they could or could not hang out with. I mean, saying, "hey, that person who has all the human body parts stacked in their freezer? Maybe not the best person to spend your weekends with" is very different than just saying, "that super cool person who you have lots of fun with? They make me feel threatened, and therefore I need them to go away."

That's the first seed of jealousy, isn't it? Not, "you fucked that other person and now I'm angry." More, "you spent some time laughing and smiling with that other person. And that's something that I feel only I should get from you."

Question and answer time

Back in the ol' college days, I participated in a little "question and answer" LGBT group that would go around to other college campuses and basically be a token sample of the LGBT population to answer questions for classes, campus safety presentations, general human resource type stuff. You get the idea. Example, "If I am doing a group project for a class, and get paired with a lesbian, am I allowed to use the word 'dyke' to describe her?" (Blanket answer to that question: no.)

I was the representative "bisexual" member of the group, although I would always get flack for also mentioning the fact that I was in an open relationship. Not just from the question askers, but from the panel members themselves. I was apparently representing a stereotype that was unhelpful and counterproductive to the mission of the panel. Which, in retrospect, was probably more about whether or not Leviticus specifically says men can't stick their penises in other mens' asses (seriously, we got that quoted at us every single time) than about the fact that regardless of sexual preference, you are allowed to be in whatever type of relationship you want, as long as all members of said relationship are consenting adults.

Eventually I stopped mentioning it during panels, and it was the beginning of a mindset that despite already being part of a minority, I was also a minority within that minority. "Don't let anybody know that you're sexually attracted to women. But don't tell anyone you don't play by the monogamous game board."

Polyandry

I've recently decided to start being more honest with people at work. No, this does not mean that when they ask how my weekend went I am saying things like, "awesome! I went to a gang bang on Saturday." It means more that I am finding a happy medium between that and just saying I didn't do much. I will save you all the extremely metaphysical discussions I've been having recently about "authentic self" and just give you the tl;dr version. Things I am doing outside of work are making me excessively happy, and then having to lie by omission about them while at work is sort of making me not as happy, and I have decided that I like being happy more than I like worrying about what people are going to think about me.

All that being said, I've started telling people at work when I spend time with "my other boyfriends." (For any of them that are actually reading this, yes, I know that's a bit more committed than we actually are. Don't worry. I'm not pushing for that terminology. It just happens to be a term I've found that makes straight people's forehead's wrinkle less than things like "fuck buddy" or "friends with benefits" or "guy I occasionally date/have sex with." And since I am also a fan of brevity, I go with what words are already there.)

For example, if I'm sending texts with one of said other boyfriends and somebody asks me what I'm smiling about, I'll say, "oh, just one of my other boyfriends saying something funny." It's a momentary pause where they try to figure out whether I'm being serious or facetious (it's honestly a fine line sometimes with me, I can be quite the smart-ass), but then usually there are no follow-up questions, no awkward "but you're also married! That can't be possible" type discussions. Just, "oh, you have other boyfriends" and then move on. I don't know if it's just the place I work - maybe I'm extremely lucky. Or maybe it's just because I've stopped the bullshit "oh, ermmm...yeah, it's this other guy...uh...I don't know how to explain this" crap and just admitted to myself what it is and am more comfortable talking about it. "I spent time this weekend with one of my other boyfriends. It was awesome." Enough said.